EATONTOWN, NJ -- The war on Brooklyn rages on. Enemy forces have overrun Deal, and the formal police force is at its wit's end. Norwood Avenue has been quarantined as a hot zone, with advisory being placed on avoiding the stretch. Locals do not find problem with the warning, saying "nobody eats at Slices anyway." The police officers have been maintaining few outposts and issuing many tickets, but cannot hold out much longer.
The Hillel Army's force is resisting, but still needs help. Senior Aaron Bailey has recently travelled to Israel for diplomatic relations, these "ILEAD Accords" will soon be made public. The Hillel Army and their enemy invaders have often clashed on the basketball court and in other tournaments. Many casualties resulted from the historic Battle of High Heat.
Resistance fighters met last shabbat at the home of Raquel "RaqTeb" Tebele to discuss tactics. The Hillel fighters were glad to find that reinforcements had arrived. Special divisions have been deployed from Texas, Philadelphia and Israel.
An IDF Operator, who will remain only known by his codename "Bervis' Cousin" is working with his comrade Leo Hanunu to apply an Israeli theory called the "Non-Engagement Tactical Assault," or NETA. This tactic was developed by a rogue agent and IDF traitor. Jonathan "Benedict Arnold" Zehavi was an IDF General deployed to Hillel, who deserted the military and now fights for Flatbush.
A special forces commander from Texas has also landed in Deal to help the cause. VP Ricky Tawil said in a statement, "We requested a general who was Five Star, and they sent somebody from the Beren Stars. I don't know. Ovadia made the phone call. Whatever."
Rumors are circulating about planning a "D-Day Invasion." Admiral Alboucai of the Navy claims it would involve "hitting all 5 beaches at once: Loch Arbour, Hathaway, Asbury, Darlington and Bradley Beaches."
Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.
