MIAMI, FL -- "It happens every year" said VP Rickety Tawil, "that first day back. Everybody's tan. You ask anyone where they went -- Aruba, Florida, Punta Cana, Oakhurst, Cancun -- it doesn't matter, because everybody looks great."
This was the idea that launched a new StuCo initiative. "The idea was simple," said President Ebani, "give everybody access to tanning beds to keep the student body that golden brown." Mr. Ebani who had returned from the Miami/Dade area, was rumored to have been looking at wholesale tanning equipment. "We had lots of ideas."
"First of all," continued VP Tawil, "we realize the importance of keeping the boys tan. We also recognize the importance of learning math. Therefore, we will allow the Gentlemen to tan during math class. It's a project we like to call 'Tan Gents.'"
"We're putting enough beds for every student" said Jacob Sitton, chairman of the Tanning And Recreation Organization of Hillel (T.O.R.A.H.), "and for the 8th graders, Spray Tans." The 8th Grade "Student Council" (aboose) President (who?) could not be reached for a comment, although chances are he's on Instagram.
"The part I was most enthusiastic about was the parking" said Tanner-in-Chief Leo Hanono of the Hanunu Institute for Sun Exposure. "The tanning stations will have their own parking lots." Ron Hopkins will be working for a Valet service under his new boss Big Will, who took the position by sheer force.
"Students need to remove their pullovers to use the beds anyway" noted Ebani, "and eventually they'll just stop wearing them altogether. This is how we got the Administration's OK." Even when students don't have time for the beds, they can enjoy a complimentary free tan from the new 6000mW ceiling lights powered by generators bought back from nervous parents after Sandy.
Even Shlomo is getting in on the tanning craze. He has installed three tanning beds in his own office and hopes to purchase a washing machine to form a complete "Gym Tan Laundry" experience. Meanwhile, Lrr Matalon is hoping that the school will finally install a locker room with showers.
The tanning beds will be temporarily located in the Shalom Lounge. They are not to be used during prayer except by the girls. "We haven't found a permanent home for the beds but talks are in the works of signing with some major tanning chains," concluded President Ebani, "so don't be surprised if you start seeing the name Planet Fitness around Hillel a lot more."
Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.
