DEAL, NJ -- After recovering from a lifesaving operation, Ari Shlomo Puglisowitz, who in fact, survived the attempt on his life, returned to sentient life. On Wednesday, Aristotle was passed around to students who contribute intelligent ideas to the English class. This reporter was one of the last to be seen with him.
On Thursday morning, he was nowhere to be found.
"Aristotle is gone, and everybody is a suspect" announced Steven R. Jemal, a spokesman for Hillel Yeshiva Board of Kefira. His lunch table quietly agreed.
But in all seriousness, who are the suspects? Asher Marks, who failed to murder Aristotle within the month, is not one of them; he has an alibi of being on the Garden State Parkway, which was confirmed by police when they pulled over a beat up green van containing him and his friends.
Hillel's newest english teacher became a prime suspect. However, he was crossed off the list when Hillel's oldest English teacher patted him down. Both men are clear.
Aristotle's longtime study-buddy Kalva-Homer Eisenpug was also released from the list after swearing in front of a Beit Din consisting of the Y11, Y12 and Y13 TSBP teachers.
Classes were halted mid-period for an emergency Kumzitz initiated by Nathan Cohen.
Any information on his whereabouts should be tweeted publicly with the hashtag #WheresAristotle
Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.
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