BROOKLYN DECLARES WAR ON DEAL, YESHIVAS SCRAMBLE TO ARMS

DEAL, NJ -- It came as a shock to the residents of Deal. This Friday afternoon, the Brooklyn Army suddenly made a mad dash across the Outerbridge and stormed the boarder into Deal. The charge was led by the Armored Division -- a brigade of Mercedes and Audi tanks which mercilessly rammed through the quiet streets of our fair burg. Deal's militia -- the NJ State Police -- could not hold back what one State Trooper called "an army of extremely obnoxious Jews."

After securing a foothold and defeating the State Troopers, the Brooklynites retreated to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge to regroup. Strategists were baffled. "It's nearly impossible for Magen and Flatbush to settle their differences and fight together" said State Trooper Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Some claim that Magen David is trying to make a buffer zone before it moves on to the world.

Leaders were quickly assembled. They met in Hubert's mop closet, which doubles as a bomb shelter. In the  bunker, the Student Council argued for two hours on what to order from Dougies, when VP Ricky Tawil stood up and said, "If we don't act fast, there won't BE a Dougies left!" The members quickly agreed that destroying Dougies would be the best move, but they needed to focus on the issue at hand: the looming Brooklyn invasion. They soon decided to deploy the Hillel Defense Forces.

An artist's sketch of the meeting. (No cameras allowed)
From Left: Ebani, Matalon, Alboucai, Tawil, Harary, Ades, Dweck

Secretary Lee Matalon, head of the Air Force, and Treasurer Jack Alboucai, head of the Navy, met to plan the battle. Matalon said in a statement, "Each soldier's orders, uniform, weapon and radio is in his koracha." The army was told to prepare for a full scale invasion.

"Hillel's Army is our last hope" said Student Council President Leon Ebani, addressing the Deal Community from West Deal Shul. "We don't want these enemies in our country. We can't let them win. We can't let them walk down OUR Norwood Avenue, leave their bikes outside OUR Slices, crowding OUR Loch Arbour. Deal is OURS!" He was then quietly ushered to his seat by the Rabbi.

The army is expected to take out their weapons when they open their korachas every day. They were deployed Monday at 12:05 PM after the basic training written test. Soldiers scattered through deal. Some units, such as the 74th "MAYHS Monsters" regiment, went as far as East Brunswick. The soldiers have been ordered not to retreat. President Ebani has already promised "victory by Labor Day."

HYHS Elects New Student Council

DEAL, NJ -- The results are in! Hillel Yeshiva students recently voted on new members for Student Council. The seven positions -- President, Male & Female Vice President, Male & Female Secretary, Male & Female Treasurer -- are now all occupied by new members.

Leon Ebani is now the President. He completely ad-libbed his speech, writing "speak from the heart" on a piece of paper. The Ebani Administration hopes to "revolutionize the bagel system" among many unannounced projects.

Ricky Tawil was elected Vice President, unopposed. He did not campaign, nor did he give a speech. He is known for working the box and on seminar.

Odette Ades was elected Vice President, unopposed. She is yet to contact us with a statement.

Lee Matalon was elected Secretary, on the platform of FUN. He promises that "the Update will  never become a state controlled publication."

Mariel Dweck was elected Secretary. She hopes to bring an end-of-day Meeting period so seniors can leave early -- something assured by administration "will not happen."


Jack al-Boucai was elected Treasurer, unopposed. His campaign was based on "winning the Syrian way: unopposed." He narrowly beat Al Sultan and Sharpe James.

Shira Harary was elected Treasurer, promising new programs for both boys and girls. Rumors are circulating that she will cancel the Ivrit department.

Former President Ovadia Harary was recently arrested for a court-packing scheme. No details have been released, but more information is to follow.