Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Apikores Rights Movement Gains Momentum
DEAL, NJ -- Today, the Apikores Rights Movement made a big stride in gaining rights for heretics. Protesters lobbied the front office and demanded change. The heretical lobbyists have been trying since late last year, and finally made their first step towards change. Effective tomorrow, a Karaite Minyan will be located in the back stairwell.
The Apikores Rights Movement was started by a number of local heretics' unions: the Karaite Collective, Apikores United, the National Association for the Advancement of Kofer People (NAAKP), Heresy NOW and others. The groups have been marching for the rights of those who deny the truth.
An NAAKP representative spoke, "we're happy that Hillel is finally making a move to accept heretics equally in society." Previously, heretical individuals were given a lunch detention. Those who continued to deny would be publicly censured and expelled. "Now, we can walk the hallways without fear of ♪♫ שקילה שריפה הרג והנק ♪♫♪"
Abe Serouya commented on the new Karaite Minyan, "I love it. They're faster than the Ashkenaz minyan. No Amidah, no Tahanunim EVER." The Karaite Minyan reportedly will start at 8:30 and be on a perpetual Yehi Shem cycle. They will not say Barech Alenu OR Barechenu, or anything else in the Amidah. They will have an extended 15 minute breakfast with real bread, on which they will bentch only the first paragraph.
Edward "Still Wrong" Benjamin said in a statement that "Hillel has reached a new low. This Karaite Minyan is worse than the time they tried to uproot a fast." A lone student in the crowd spoke up, asking "does he even go here?!" Benjamin frowned and said, "no. I just have a lot of mitzvot." He was then asked to leave.
The local Young Mitzvah Deniers (YMD) chapter will be coordinating with the Karaite Students in Hillel. "We're planning tons of fun trips," said a spokesperson, "Drag Racing on Shabbat, Bread Factory for Passover, and lets not forget McDonalds Monday!"
Analysts project the Kofer Party to nominate its first ever Heretic for a StuCo office later this year.
The Apikores Rights Movement was started by a number of local heretics' unions: the Karaite Collective, Apikores United, the National Association for the Advancement of Kofer People (NAAKP), Heresy NOW and others. The groups have been marching for the rights of those who deny the truth.
An NAAKP representative spoke, "we're happy that Hillel is finally making a move to accept heretics equally in society." Previously, heretical individuals were given a lunch detention. Those who continued to deny would be publicly censured and expelled. "Now, we can walk the hallways without fear of ♪♫ שקילה שריפה הרג והנק ♪♫♪"
Abe Serouya commented on the new Karaite Minyan, "I love it. They're faster than the Ashkenaz minyan. No Amidah, no Tahanunim EVER." The Karaite Minyan reportedly will start at 8:30 and be on a perpetual Yehi Shem cycle. They will not say Barech Alenu OR Barechenu, or anything else in the Amidah. They will have an extended 15 minute breakfast with real bread, on which they will bentch only the first paragraph.
Edward "Still Wrong" Benjamin said in a statement that "Hillel has reached a new low. This Karaite Minyan is worse than the time they tried to uproot a fast." A lone student in the crowd spoke up, asking "does he even go here?!" Benjamin frowned and said, "no. I just have a lot of mitzvot." He was then asked to leave.
The local Young Mitzvah Deniers (YMD) chapter will be coordinating with the Karaite Students in Hillel. "We're planning tons of fun trips," said a spokesperson, "Drag Racing on Shabbat, Bread Factory for Passover, and lets not forget McDonalds Monday!"
Analysts project the Kofer Party to nominate its first ever Heretic for a StuCo office later this year.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
HURRICANE SANDY: An Update
BROOKLYN, NY -- After five days in the dark, the Hillel Update's offices have finally reopened in a temporary location of Kings County, NY. The Update has taken whatever space is available in the area, renting the back room of Benny's Pizza on Avenue J and a midrash from Beth Torah Synagogue on Ocean Parkway.
"We didn't really want to relocate to Brooklyn," said Editor-in-Chief Lrr Matalon, "especially after how they screwed us in the summer," he continued as he showed reporters into his temporary office, behind the counter of 16 Handles, "but they were warm and receptive of us. And most of all, they had power, something we didn't." The Update offices are plugged into the NYC power grid and established an encrypted connection to the internet via an unsecured network called "linksys."
"We tried building a generator that ran on Cream Cheese, but it didn't work," added Matalon, "besides, the line for Cream Cheese snakes all the way up 35, down West Park, through Poplar and up the Front Stairwell. Not a pretty sight." Update engineers convened with the best minds in every science class: Physics, Bio and Film. "Psychology isn't a science" said Secretary Jrck Alboucai, also currently in Brooklyn.
The Hillel Update and Hillel Herald consolidated their efforts in reporting school closings the night before the storm. Herald Editor Jason Gindi spearheaded the #HillelStormWatch Twitter Campaign from his home in New Jersey. Meanwhile, numerous officials convened in a Hotel Suite in Connecticut, including Matalon, Herald Editor Joe Betesh, Leo Hanono of Y13BQ and some girl named Talia, among various female reporters. After school was officially declared to be closed, Matalon joined Isaac Gartenberg and some other various female reporters for a celebration. Green Tea was served.
Then began the rain.
As the staff from the conference returned home the skies opened up. Everyone spent the next day preparing. On Monday night, the power went out. "I was playing Xbox with some friends," said Matalon, "the usual boys: Felix Ades, Sam Sakkal, Morris Gindi, Jesse Antebi, and Nathan "Brooklyn NayCo" Cohen. It was a nice game of Cops, and then it all ended."
With the power out, a slow exodus to Brooklyn began. Some brave students stayed behind. Matalon joined Ades and Hanono in founding a Valley Forge emergency radio broadcast channel. "Leo and I also visited some disaster sites. Sandy Lane in Eatontown had a lot of downed trees. It was pretty funny." said Matalon. Leo Hanono tells us that Lee Matalon tripped over a tree while walking backwards to get a good picture. No word from Joe Betesh aka @goodpictures.
Student Council President Leon Ebani has not been heard from at all during the crisis. His only school-relevant tweet during the hurricane was parking joke. School Board insiders tell us that a week in Brooklyn "will scare [the students] off of parking for a long time." StuCo representitives responded that it doesn't make a difference as all students plan to park in the designated areas, right? lol
Hurricane Sandy has been a nuisance for some and a nightmare for others. As a majority of Hillelians sit idly in Brooklyn, most homes in NJ are still without electicity. Hillel Central Power & Light (HCP&L) is working around the clock to bring it all back. Jason Gindi, co-chair of the Hillel Storm Watch board noted that "It took everyone's effort. We worked together and survived the worst of it." Stores and Gas stations are slowly opening in New Jersey, as both people with and without power return to their daily lives. "Sandy really showed everyone's true colors," he concluded, "at least on Instagram."
"We didn't really want to relocate to Brooklyn," said Editor-in-Chief Lrr Matalon, "especially after how they screwed us in the summer," he continued as he showed reporters into his temporary office, behind the counter of 16 Handles, "but they were warm and receptive of us. And most of all, they had power, something we didn't." The Update offices are plugged into the NYC power grid and established an encrypted connection to the internet via an unsecured network called "linksys."
"We tried building a generator that ran on Cream Cheese, but it didn't work," added Matalon, "besides, the line for Cream Cheese snakes all the way up 35, down West Park, through Poplar and up the Front Stairwell. Not a pretty sight." Update engineers convened with the best minds in every science class: Physics, Bio and Film. "Psychology isn't a science" said Secretary Jrck Alboucai, also currently in Brooklyn.
The Hillel Update and Hillel Herald consolidated their efforts in reporting school closings the night before the storm. Herald Editor Jason Gindi spearheaded the #HillelStormWatch Twitter Campaign from his home in New Jersey. Meanwhile, numerous officials convened in a Hotel Suite in Connecticut, including Matalon, Herald Editor Joe Betesh, Leo Hanono of Y13BQ and some girl named Talia, among various female reporters. After school was officially declared to be closed, Matalon joined Isaac Gartenberg and some other various female reporters for a celebration. Green Tea was served.
Then began the rain.
As the staff from the conference returned home the skies opened up. Everyone spent the next day preparing. On Monday night, the power went out. "I was playing Xbox with some friends," said Matalon, "the usual boys: Felix Ades, Sam Sakkal, Morris Gindi, Jesse Antebi, and Nathan "Brooklyn NayCo" Cohen. It was a nice game of Cops, and then it all ended."
With the power out, a slow exodus to Brooklyn began. Some brave students stayed behind. Matalon joined Ades and Hanono in founding a Valley Forge emergency radio broadcast channel. "Leo and I also visited some disaster sites. Sandy Lane in Eatontown had a lot of downed trees. It was pretty funny." said Matalon. Leo Hanono tells us that Lee Matalon tripped over a tree while walking backwards to get a good picture. No word from Joe Betesh aka @goodpictures.
Student Council President Leon Ebani has not been heard from at all during the crisis. His only school-relevant tweet during the hurricane was parking joke. School Board insiders tell us that a week in Brooklyn "will scare [the students] off of parking for a long time." StuCo representitives responded that it doesn't make a difference as all students plan to park in the designated areas, right? lol
Hurricane Sandy has been a nuisance for some and a nightmare for others. As a majority of Hillelians sit idly in Brooklyn, most homes in NJ are still without electicity. Hillel Central Power & Light (HCP&L) is working around the clock to bring it all back. Jason Gindi, co-chair of the Hillel Storm Watch board noted that "It took everyone's effort. We worked together and survived the worst of it." Stores and Gas stations are slowly opening in New Jersey, as both people with and without power return to their daily lives. "Sandy really showed everyone's true colors," he concluded, "at least on Instagram."
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