Apikores Rights Movement Gains Momentum

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the Apikores Rights Movement made a big stride in gaining rights for heretics. Protesters lobbied the front office and demanded change. The heretical lobbyists have been trying since late last year, and finally made their first step towards change. Effective tomorrow, a Karaite Minyan will be located in the back stairwell.

The Apikores Rights Movement was started by a number of local heretics' unions: the Karaite Collective, Apikores United, the National Association for the Advancement of Kofer People (NAAKP), Heresy NOW and others. The groups have been marching for the rights of those who deny the truth.

An NAAKP representative spoke, "we're happy that Hillel is finally making a move to accept heretics equally in society." Previously, heretical individuals were given a lunch detention. Those who continued to deny would be publicly censured and expelled. "Now, we can walk the hallways without fear of  ♪♫ שקילה שריפה הרג והנק ♪♫♪"

Abe Serouya commented on the new Karaite Minyan, "I love it. They're faster than the Ashkenaz minyan. No Amidah, no Tahanunim EVER." The Karaite Minyan reportedly will start at 8:30 and be on a perpetual Yehi Shem cycle. They will not say Barech Alenu OR Barechenu, or anything else in the Amidah. They will have an extended 15 minute breakfast with real bread, on which they will bentch only the first paragraph.

Edward "Still Wrong" Benjamin said in a statement that "Hillel has reached a new low. This Karaite Minyan is worse than the time they tried to uproot a fast." A lone student in the crowd spoke up, asking "does he even go here?!" Benjamin frowned and said, "no. I just have a lot of mitzvot." He was then asked to leave.

The local Young Mitzvah Deniers (YMD) chapter will be coordinating with the Karaite Students in Hillel. "We're planning tons of fun trips," said a spokesperson, "Drag Racing on Shabbat, Bread Factory for Passover, and lets not forget McDonalds Monday!"

Analysts project the Kofer Party to nominate its first ever Heretic for a StuCo office later this year.