Hillel Update Presents: A Guide To Parking

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the school unveiled a series of new parking rules which left students scratching their heads. The question of this lightpost vs that gate left even the most experienced drivers stumped. To make matters worse, caution tape was placed around the main entrance to the lot, requiring drivers to exit through the emergency exit.

To help confused students navigate the parking lot, Lee Matalon (who doesn't actually have his license) composed a simple list of rules to followed. Those who adhere to the rules will avoid being stickered.

• Students must display a HYHS Parking Permit at all times.

• Students may only park in the back four rows.

• Students may NOT park facing the Ashkenaz shul.

• Students may NOT park IN the Ashkenaz shul.

• Former MAYHS students with a valid Class J Ashkenaz Permit may park in the shul's lot.

• Cars must display a blue decal on the top left corner of their plates. I don't know, figure it out.

• Backing into spots is strictly prohibited.

• It is prohibited to pop the trunk between the hours of 8:06AM and 5:04PM.

• All cars must have a red racing stripe painted on the left door.

• Students named Zack may not drive red cars.

• All motors must be running during Chumash.

• No motors may be running during Navi.

• German vehicles must park at the 7-Eleven on Deal Road.

• Mirrors must be folded in on Wednesday.

• Hardtops must be removed for Minhah.

• All Jeeps must display a "Coexist" bumper sticker.

• Abie Matut must also display a "Coexist" bumper sticker. Nice try.

• Students may not drive between 6:00AM and 11:00PM

• Students born on Tuesday, Friday or Saturday may not carry spare tires.

• Students born on Sunday must carry three spare tires.

• No Infiniti G37's may be parked next to each other.

• All 1998 Vehicles must be painted bright yellow (We're looking at you Felix).

• Oil changes are mandatory on Rosh Hodesh at the student's expense

• Students on National Honor Society must display their NHS Certificate in the window.

• Students with Four Wheel Drive may not apply to Brookdale.

• V6 Engines are prohibited on Thursday.

• Convertibles will be confiscated from students and given directly to teachers.

• Students named Daniel Teren may not drive. Ever.

• Students may not park in the lot and order Dougies in the same week.

• Students in Y10 and Y11 may park wherever they want in the JCC lot.

• Students in Y12 are permitted to park on Saka Field during Arbit.

• Students who are taking Film AND Forensics may park anywhere.

• Students in AP Physics may not accelerate in the parking lot.

• Romney bumper stickers are prohibited.

• Vehicles may not have more than 3 wheels.

• Students in Y13 may not leave Barley in their cars.

• Airplanes may not be parked anywhere. Helicopters are OK though.

• Just kidding. No Helicopters either.

• Students who got a 5 on AP Chem may park in Administrator spots.

• Students must remove steering wheels before going out to lunch.

• Doors must be unlocked during schoolwide Halacha tests. 

•  Tires must be deflated during Shema 

•  Tires must be inflated during the Amidah 

•  Students must engage parking brake during lunch. 

•  Students must honk horns every time the bell rings.

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I think you get the idea.

Students Miss Seminar

PISCATAWAY, NJ -- Today was the much anticipated annual Hillel Seminar in the Piscataway Holiday Inn. For some reason, nobody showed up. The HYHS office blames the PTA Calendar for not having it listed. The PTA blames the office for not making flyers. The office said in a statement, "the copier was broken." The Seminar was fully planned from early August by the Student Council.

"This was THE year to come" said VP Ricky "Ricky-Ricky" Tawil. "We had great events and speakers planned, and nobody signed up. It was going to be the best Seminar ever. And its ruined. We had sick advisers this year: Raymond Chalme, David Winitsky, Al Sultan, Saka, Elvis, Batman -- you name it -- they were all there."

"We finally got a Midrash without Christmas decor" said Treasurer Jack "Ellen DeGeneres" Alboucai, the official Seminar Hazzan, "It was Halloween stuff. But still, that's not a religious holiday day, so we lucked out." They didn't even have a minyan anyway, "we had to convert some Chinese guests from the 5th floor." Jacob Cohen was not present, although three of his uncles were.

"The speakers were top notch this year, commented President Leon "Theres My President!" Ebani. "Gilad Shalit was set to speak on his way back from Magen David before going to Israel." Mr. Shalit showed up, but left early when nobody was there. "Do you know what kind of strings we had to pull to get him? It would have been impossible if we didn't have connections" said Ebani, speaking of David "Derb" Cohen, the captain of the Israel trip and a family friend of the Shalits.

"Comedy was great this year" said Secretary Lee "Lrr You Can't Behave In A Lab" Matalon, "we had three hours of skits, songs, dances and videos. And that's not the half of if. We brought in Joel "Jeff" Chasnoff to do one of his routine. And of course, we had the world famous hypnotist Burnout Bill. He even brought his special touching hand!"

"The music was great too" said StuCo Advisor Gail "Unpaid" Mizrahi, reading a teleprompter, "we had a killer lineup. Rabbi Glicksman, Train, One Direction, Y13BQ, Chip Skylark, the Maccabeats, fun., Coldplay, Saka Charles, Lil Wayne, the Arcade Fire, Matisyahu, the Rolling Stones, Kasabian, Queen, Nicki Minaj, DJ Lrr, Avicii, Usher, Spinal Tap, and the Artist Formerly Known As Devorah Wittels. Bamboozle was jealous."

The Student Council was baffled as to why everyone would miss such a good SemiNar. Even the students of Leadership Seminar were absent, causing critics to ask, "where are my leaders?" Analysts commented that "most Hillelians were busy with other things. The SAT is on Sunday. Some kids have sports games. And then there's always Lost Season 3."

Hey guys. Just realized I never uploaded the "Rebuilding Rabbi" video from last year's SemiNar. Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbLUSsZeZeQ