Hillel Update Presents: A Guide To Parking

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the school unveiled a series of new parking rules which left students scratching their heads. The question of this lightpost vs that gate left even the most experienced drivers stumped. To make matters worse, caution tape was placed around the main entrance to the lot, requiring drivers to exit through the emergency exit.

To help confused students navigate the parking lot, Lee Matalon (who doesn't actually have his license) composed a simple list of rules to followed. Those who adhere to the rules will avoid being stickered.

• Students must display a HYHS Parking Permit at all times.

• Students may only park in the back four rows.

• Students may NOT park facing the Ashkenaz shul.

• Students may NOT park IN the Ashkenaz shul.

• Former MAYHS students with a valid Class J Ashkenaz Permit may park in the shul's lot.

• Cars must display a blue decal on the top left corner of their plates. I don't know, figure it out.

• Backing into spots is strictly prohibited.

• It is prohibited to pop the trunk between the hours of 8:06AM and 5:04PM.

• All cars must have a red racing stripe painted on the left door.

• Students named Zack may not drive red cars.

• All motors must be running during Chumash.

• No motors may be running during Navi.

• German vehicles must park at the 7-Eleven on Deal Road.

• Mirrors must be folded in on Wednesday.

• Hardtops must be removed for Minhah.

• All Jeeps must display a "Coexist" bumper sticker.

• Abie Matut must also display a "Coexist" bumper sticker. Nice try.

• Students may not drive between 6:00AM and 11:00PM

• Students born on Tuesday, Friday or Saturday may not carry spare tires.

• Students born on Sunday must carry three spare tires.

• No Infiniti G37's may be parked next to each other.

• All 1998 Vehicles must be painted bright yellow (We're looking at you Felix).

• Oil changes are mandatory on Rosh Hodesh at the student's expense

• Students on National Honor Society must display their NHS Certificate in the window.

• Students with Four Wheel Drive may not apply to Brookdale.

• V6 Engines are prohibited on Thursday.

• Convertibles will be confiscated from students and given directly to teachers.

• Students named Daniel Teren may not drive. Ever.

• Students may not park in the lot and order Dougies in the same week.

• Students in Y10 and Y11 may park wherever they want in the JCC lot.

• Students in Y12 are permitted to park on Saka Field during Arbit.

• Students who are taking Film AND Forensics may park anywhere.

• Students in AP Physics may not accelerate in the parking lot.

• Romney bumper stickers are prohibited.

• Vehicles may not have more than 3 wheels.

• Students in Y13 may not leave Barley in their cars.

• Airplanes may not be parked anywhere. Helicopters are OK though.

• Just kidding. No Helicopters either.

• Students who got a 5 on AP Chem may park in Administrator spots.

• Students must remove steering wheels before going out to lunch.

• Doors must be unlocked during schoolwide Halacha tests. 

•  Tires must be deflated during Shema 

•  Tires must be inflated during the Amidah 

•  Students must engage parking brake during lunch. 

•  Students must honk horns every time the bell rings.

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I think you get the idea.