SPORTS: Seventh Annual Festival of Ball-Dodging

DEAL, NJ -- "If you can dodge slow freshmen on the way up to class, you can dodge a ball."

Those were the words of coach Patches O'Eisenstein to the members of team Dark Green during a pregame training exercise. Members Morris Cohen, Leo Hanono, Lee Matalon and Albert Hanan had a 5-0 record for the qualifying round and made it to the Semifinals. The Professional Dodgeball Association (PDA) has them tied for 4th Place with the Freiners team; independent analysts note that Dark Green, who submitted forms on time, is slightly above the Freiners, who were a last minute addition.

The Boys' Tournament was ultimately won by Light Blue. Team member Jrck "da/dt" Alboucai commented "burp burp." The Girls' Tournament champion title went to Hot Pink. Each tournament consisted of round-robin qualifying matches, followed by playoffs and a championship series. The Girls' Tournament had one division; the Boys had two.

The winning teams.

TOP: Hot Pink (L-R) Claudia Chera, Millie Hakim, Jani "Camille" Greenberg, Giv. Cohen-Seal

BOTTOM: Light Blue (L-R) Michael Bouganim, Jack Alboucai, David Gammal, Jesse Antebi

"Dodging and Balling have always been important skills in Hillel" said President Lrrn Ebani. "It helps students survive the chaos." Notably, all Box employees are trained to dodge thrown bagels and to pitch cream cheese in retaliation. "If you can't dodge flying objects and return fire, you couldn't last 5 minutes in Y10." The Y10/11 Gold Team, aka the Mashchisim promised to have "no rachmanus" on opponents.

Professional photographer Uriya "2013" Teherani made an appearance and photographed the event free of charge. Former CEO of the Consolidated Beverage Co., Teherani in fact did not cater the event as he has in past years. Older members of the audience may remember the days of fierce competition between two top product lines: Uriya's soda and Airhead Steve's candy. A student reportedly asked Uriya what he misses most about his days of a merchant. He replied, "voltage."

President Albert Tawil returned for the tournament, this year as the Chancellor of the PDA and as head referee. He was elected to assume this position when dodgeball legend Shlomo The Pirate decided not to run for reelection, after hearing that it would not be Preezon Dojjboll. Tawil finally got to use the big boy whistle and clipboard.

Critics openly bashed the tournament for "blowing the school's budget on sports" as the Student Council inches closer and closer to a fiscal cliff. The office of the Treasury responded that "we don't really have a budget. We don't have anything like that. We just sell bagels." Others complained that the tournament was too late in the season -- the weekend of December 25th is usually reserved for SemiNar.

All in all, the tournament was a success.

Senioritis Hits Kitchen Staff

DEAL, NJ -- With the closing of the first trimester, Senioritis sets in and infects the bodies of the 12th grade. Symptoms include laziness, poor grades, lack of attention, reduced stress and rudeness. It is commonly brought about by college acceptance (or deferral -- you know who you are). And no senior is an exception. Especially not lunch program director Murray Betesh.

It all began last month when some students noticed that the kelsones was still frozen at the core. The lunch kitchen staff happily replaced each lunch or refunded the money. The mistakes remained minor -- half-frozen kelsones, bagels without butter, and the occasional expired ketchup packets. Until one day, the entire fourth grade found meat in their Sambusak.

Parents confronted Murray Betesh (12) who is in fact a senior at Hillel Yeshiva High School. He will be graduating this year. Really. No joke. He chalked the errors up to "lack of sleep" and "too many college applications." He then promised there would be no further issues.

"He burnt my Chicken Nuggets!" said Leo Hanono.

"He burnt my Fries!" said Isaac Gartenberg.

"He burnt my Shake!" said Joe Betesh, taking a sip.

A sophomore recently filed in a complaint that he found "copious amounts" of hair in his noodles. After weeks of silence, the lunch program finally released a statement, replying that "it's actually normal but good job on using a vocab word."

Packaged as "Penne Vodka"

Late last week, it was discovered that when the kitchen ran out of small water bottles, instead of running to the store room to get another crate, Murray put out cans of Blue Sky Creamy Root Beer he had lying around. "This work is tough" said Murray as he reclined in his office while playing Angry Birds.

Activist groups such as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Al) have begun to boycott the Hillel lunch program. PETA, along with the NAAKP and the Crickets Rights Movement have convened in the back stairwell and recently launched a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of lunch program.

"Hey, it's Senior Year," said Mr. Betesh's agent, "he's basically done with this. The fact is Seniors tend to care less later in the year. So Murray's gotten a bit lazy. So maybe a first grader found a thumb in her sushi. It only happened once anyway, and that's no barometer. At the end of the day, the Lunch Program is putting bread on the table." Update reporters asked the agent, "Rye or Pumpernickel?" -- to which there was no comment.

"Unfortunately, students are resorting to Dougies" said VP Ricky Tawil in a statement, "and we can't be responsible for any deaths." To replace both the Lunch Program and Dougies, the StuCo is mandating a new 'Health Food Program.' "Students will be provided with a pamphlet of Food Coupons at the start of each week, each valued at a dollar, redeemable at the Box during lunchtime only." The act is aimed at getting students choose healthier lunches, such as Kit-Kats and Mountain Dew.

The coupons are redeemable at the box with Alan Menaged, Morris Gindi, or Jacob Sitton.

Schoolwide Halakha Is Tested

DEAL, NJ -- Students from around the globe bugged out en masse early this morning as they fumbled through pages of notes in the hallways. Every student had the same four packets and was preparing for the Schoolwide Halakha Exam. Administered once a trimester, every Hillelian must get passing grades on this test or risk imprisonment in the Book Room.

The test follows a consistent format from year to year. All multiple choice, the exam is to be completed on a scantron sheet. There are additionally a few mandatory questions on every exam. Each year, students are tested in depth on the subject of Hatzalah's number. In order to pass, each student must successfully unscramble the phrase "APPYH CHANUKKAH." Finally, every student must know when the Jews received the Greeks as a prize.

This student probably failed.

"It was an easy test" said Y10 student Aaron Bailey. Y10 students receive a modified version of the test with 15 questions and 20 skips. They are allowed to use notes, textbooks and calculators. Additionally, Y10 students can write notecards and keep them in special playbooks. They are expected to know the Beracha on Grilled Cheese.

The College Board recently announced that Rutgers will soon be accepting Schoolwide Halakha tests in lieu of SATs or ACTs. The move is aimed at getting more Hillel students to attend. Brookdale currently accepts Vocab Quizzes.

"The letter options were A A B C. I don't know how I finished" said tech blogger Jason Gindi, 11th grade. "But I know one thing: the Jews did in fact win the Greeks on the 25th." Jason Gindi is known locally for being thrown out twice in one Halakha period. "It was definitely the hardest guessing game I've ever played." Mr. Will could not be reached for a comment.

StuCo President Leon Ebani recently spoke at a Judaic Studies Rally about his 'Dual Incentive' program. "Students who take a schoolwide [halakha test] will be eligible to play in the Dodgeball Tournament for only $15." His program hopes to encourage students to study for halakha AND play dodgeball. On the topic, senior Morris A. Cohen was quoted as saying, "dark green."