Senioritis Hits Kitchen Staff

DEAL, NJ -- With the closing of the first trimester, Senioritis sets in and infects the bodies of the 12th grade. Symptoms include laziness, poor grades, lack of attention, reduced stress and rudeness. It is commonly brought about by college acceptance (or deferral -- you know who you are). And no senior is an exception. Especially not lunch program director Murray Betesh.

It all began last month when some students noticed that the kelsones was still frozen at the core. The lunch kitchen staff happily replaced each lunch or refunded the money. The mistakes remained minor -- half-frozen kelsones, bagels without butter, and the occasional expired ketchup packets. Until one day, the entire fourth grade found meat in their Sambusak.

Parents confronted Murray Betesh (12) who is in fact a senior at Hillel Yeshiva High School. He will be graduating this year. Really. No joke. He chalked the errors up to "lack of sleep" and "too many college applications." He then promised there would be no further issues.

"He burnt my Chicken Nuggets!" said Leo Hanono.

"He burnt my Fries!" said Isaac Gartenberg.

"He burnt my Shake!" said Joe Betesh, taking a sip.

A sophomore recently filed in a complaint that he found "copious amounts" of hair in his noodles. After weeks of silence, the lunch program finally released a statement, replying that "it's actually normal but good job on using a vocab word."

Packaged as "Penne Vodka"

Late last week, it was discovered that when the kitchen ran out of small water bottles, instead of running to the store room to get another crate, Murray put out cans of Blue Sky Creamy Root Beer he had lying around. "This work is tough" said Murray as he reclined in his office while playing Angry Birds.

Activist groups such as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Al) have begun to boycott the Hillel lunch program. PETA, along with the NAAKP and the Crickets Rights Movement have convened in the back stairwell and recently launched a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of lunch program.

"Hey, it's Senior Year," said Mr. Betesh's agent, "he's basically done with this. The fact is Seniors tend to care less later in the year. So Murray's gotten a bit lazy. So maybe a first grader found a thumb in her sushi. It only happened once anyway, and that's no barometer. At the end of the day, the Lunch Program is putting bread on the table." Update reporters asked the agent, "Rye or Pumpernickel?" -- to which there was no comment.

"Unfortunately, students are resorting to Dougies" said VP Ricky Tawil in a statement, "and we can't be responsible for any deaths." To replace both the Lunch Program and Dougies, the StuCo is mandating a new 'Health Food Program.' "Students will be provided with a pamphlet of Food Coupons at the start of each week, each valued at a dollar, redeemable at the Box during lunchtime only." The act is aimed at getting students choose healthier lunches, such as Kit-Kats and Mountain Dew.

The coupons are redeemable at the box with Alan Menaged, Morris Gindi, or Jacob Sitton.