DEAL, NJ: It's Presidents' Day, and boy do we have plans for our own president. Leon Ebani was going for a walk when his fellow StuCo members pulled up. Ricky Tawil invited him for a "blindfolded gushers run at BJ's" and handed him an eye mask. He climbed into Jack Alboucai's Camaro, and the three were off.
When the engine stopped, Ebani was escorted inside. He removed his blindfold and found himself not at BJ's Wholesale Club, but at the Axelrod Performing Arts Center of the abandoned JCC of Greater Monmouth. Leon noticed some of his friends and colleagues sitting on stage, with a few extra chairs. The three of them occupied the remaining seats. He knew what was going on, but looking up only confirmed it: the banner read "ROAST OF LEON."
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| LTR: Roastmaster Lee Matalon, President Leon Ebani, Racecar Driver Morris Cohen, Georgian Ovadia Harary, and VP Albert's Brother. |
Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Hello Leon, I'm Lee Matalon and I'll be the Roastmaster this evening. That's right -- these fine people are all here to roast you. So get ready. But before we begin, let's just acknowledge an important sponsor. This event could not have been possible without our friends at Rook Coffee Roasters. Hazak UBaruch.
Then, the roasting began.
Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Leon, you suck at Physics. All/All/None of you can function, but you don't even know what a function is. Maybe we should all be old people like you, or maybe we should just throw out the bad kids. There's a reason I gave you all the dud jokes for Saturday Night Update.
Before returning to his seat, the Roastmaster called up the first guest.
Ovadia Harary:
Leon, we've always been great friends. But lets face it, I didn't come up here all the way from Jawja to congratulate you. Your progress was nice but all the real initiatives came from the Ovadia Administration. After moving down South I became President of the Confederate States of Hillel. So watch out.
Harary sat down and Leon began to bash him back. Within seconds the room was roaring.
Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Woah woah you're starting a Rutgers!
At that, Morris Cohen took the mic and began to talk over the commotion.
Morris Cohen:
His brain might be as big as his nose, but his ego is of similar size. A day doesn't go by without him proclaiming himself president. He likes the big ones, a little too much. Love you buddy.
VP Ricky Tawil was next to ascend the podium.
Ricky Tawil:
Leon, you think you're a good president. The only thing you're good at is loading Gushers into other peoples' trunks. You're too busy with Hockey to do anything for Student Council. Thank you for giving me all my power. I wouldn't be upset if you got assassinated around election time.
Mr. Tawil returns to his seat, and the Roastmaster ascends the poduim.
Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Thank you, Ikey. We're now going to ask members of the audience if they'd like to contribute opinions on Leon.
Freshman Zach Kassin raises his hand.
Zach Kassin:
I like him. I think he's a good president, he's a nice guy, he supports the school well, and he plays on the sports teams, and he has academics...
Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
You do know what a roast is, right?
A second audience member gives his opinion.
Leo Hanono:
Who?
At this point, another audience member stands and begins to speak.
Albert Tawil, former president:
He's a good president and everything, from what I hear. If only he were as good at ping pong as he is at politics.
Just as Leon stands up to defend himself, a dark figure bursts into the room and ascends the podium. He pulls out a few sheets of paper and begins reading.
Al Sultan:
My Toast/Roast of Leon Ebani
By rrrrAl Sultan
Leon Ebani
What can I say?
You astound me son
Each and EVERY DAY
From wrestling Chem teachers
To playing the sax
President Ebani
You take it to the max
The genius behind skyway
A fellow impracticial dahaker
You also know your Spongebob
Better than any cracker
Yet now I must roast
Leon the great
Or should I say not great haha
You fell for my bait
Feel the burn of this roast!
Be filled with fear
This poem is far from over
Insert urology joke here
I guess it’s on now!
The roasting has begun
You’re worse at being president
Than Cheney is with a gun
Ouch! That’s a rough one
But I just went there
Your presidency is about as real
As Donald Trump’s hair
Well I’m all out of rhymes
I guess this is the end
But seriously Leon you’re the best
And you are one awesome friend (:
The Roastmaster begins the closing ceremonies...
Roastmaster Lee Matalon:...when a very mean guest rudely interrupts.
We hope you enjoyed the evening. Dinner will be served shortly. We'd like to thank everyone who made it out here tonight—
Uninvited Chemistry Teacher:
Just STOP!
What is WRONG with you?!
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