SCIENCE UPDATE: Solving the Mystery Airheads

note: this article is sketch science on a real experiment.
DEAL, NJ -- What started out as a twitter argument between Isaac Gartenberg and Dorothy Newman soon became the largest study of its kind. The question was simple: are Mystery White Airheads a random, uncolored Airhead, or are they a flavor of their own? No data exists on the subject. Hillel Update Labs assembled three test subjects for a blind taste test in order to solve the mystery. Student Council refused to fund the study (with a total cost of $4) on the ground that spending the small amount would be "unethical." The participants instead funded their own experiment, citing it as "science l'shma."



THE HYPOTHESIS
Perfetti Van Melle, the company responsible for producing the candy, is very shady on the flavor of Mystery White. Different theories exist. Hillel Update Labs set out to answer the question. The theory tested is whether the Mystery White wrappers contain a different flavor of colorless Airhead each time -- hence the mystery. However, the most basic and plausible theory is that it is simply a flavor of its own. This theory gains credibility in that it follows with Occams Razor: the most basic theory is generally true. Producing and wrapping both colored and uncolored versions of each flavor would likely make production costs skyrocket as compared to the cost effectiveness of simply producing a sixth variety. Additionally, the human mind tends to pick up on patterns where there are none -- detecting false traces of other flavors due to common ingredients such as Sugar and Citric Acid. It is predicted that more research will be necessary.



THE EXPERIMENT
The test was rather basic. The participants -- Gartenberg, Newman and the neutral Jason Gindi -- would shield there eyes and eat a piece of an airhead given to them by the researchers. Ten airheads -- one of each standard flavor and 5 Mystery White bars -- were used in the experiment. The participants would then identify the sample as one of the five flavors, or state that they cannot identify the flavor.

Two participants and their wrappers after the fact.

THE PROCESS (this part has a lot of big science words)

This study is the first of its kind. Nowhere else exists data for either theory. Though only ten bars were tested among three tasters, Hillel Update Labs hopes to expand the test at a later date if the evidence seems to lead somewhere. For the purpose of this study, the term majoritively will imply a 2/3 agreement on the fact. An agreement of at least 66.7% is considered scientifically significant. Conclusively will imply a fact with an error margin of .1 (or 90% agreement). Anything with 90% agreement can be used for conclusions. There are a few facts which the data will determine:

1. The standard flavors can majoritively be identified and differentiated from one another. (If the flavors cannot be majoritively identified and differentiated, then the data is faulty and the test is invalid).
2. If they are majoritively identified as standard flavors it lends credibility to the Random Flavor Theory. If they are majoritively unidentified it lends credibility to the Sixth Variety Theory. If there is no majority more research is necessary.
3. If the individual mystery bars are majoritively identified as specific majoritive flavors, and the individual bars vary in majoritive flavors, the data rules in favor of the Random Flavor Theory. If the individual bars are identified as the same majoritive flavor, the data rules in favor of the Sixth Variety Theory. If the set of bars does not marjoritively a trend of majoritive flavors, more research is necessary.
4. Any data which rules conclusively will be viewed with appropriate weight.

If the same result is supported by points 2 and 3 it can be, for the time being, concluded that a specific theory is correct.

EASY VERSION: 

1) Do people know what the real flavors are? 

2) Do people think the mystery are real flavors?

3) Does everyone agree on which mystery is which flavor?

THE DATA

Test data

FIRST SET: Identifying standard flavors

• Blue Raspberry was majoritively identified correctly.
• Pink Lemonade was conclusively and majoritively identified correctly.
• Watermelon was majoritively identified correctly.
• Orange was conclusively and majoritively identified correctly.
• Cherry was conclusively and majoritively identified correctly.

ANALYSIS: Standard flavors can be identified and differentiated. The data is valid. 

SECOND SET: Identifying mystery bar samples as standard flavors.

• The mystery bar samples were not majoritively identified as standard flavors.
• The mystery bar samples were not majoritively unidentifiable.

ANALYSIS: Though 60% of the mystery bars samples were identified as standard flavors, it does not achieve a 2/3 majority necessary for conclusion.

THIRD SET

• Mystery Bar 1 was majoritively identified as Cherry.
• Mystery Bar 2 was majoritively identified  as Watermelon.
• Mystery Bar 3 was majoritively unidentified.
• Mystery Bar 4 was majoritively unidentified.
• Mystery Bar 5 was majoritively identified as Blue Raspberry.

ANALYSIS: Though 60% of the mystery bars were individually identified as specific flavors, it does not achieve a 2/3 majority necessary for conclusion. 

THE CONCLUSION

The foremost conclusion is that more research is necessary. The data was valid but more trials must be conducted with a wider range or participants. The data sets rule 60% in favor of the Random Flavor Theory. According to Hillel Update Labs this 60% is not scientifically significant. Another trial with the same participants or perhaps a slightly larger pool of participants may see the number 60% shift up or down slightly. If a further test sees at least a 66.7% agreement towards the Random Flavor Theory, the results will be scientifically significant and a much larger test will be initiated to further zero in that number. If it moves closer to 50% -- the point of ambiguity -- other means of testing must be tried.

THE ANSWER

...is still just out of our grasp. The data does rule 60% in favor of the Random Flavor Theory, this is not a significant percentage and may be a function of the large error margin. The Sixth Variety Theory still has advantages in terms of simplicity, and a 40% share of the data. As for Isaac and Dorothy, they'll have to settle their bet later, and, in the meantime, keep chomping airheads. 

THE RESEARCHER'S PERSPECTIVE

I was actually surprised with the results. I expected at least 2/3 to rule in favor of the Sixth Variety Theory. I was surprised when a 3/5 agreement found itself against that theory. I personally did not consider the Random Flavor Theory plausible but now realize that experimentation shows otherwise. But look at me still talking when there's science to do...

President's Day: Roast of Leon

DEAL, NJ: It's Presidents' Day, and boy do we have plans for our own president. Leon Ebani was going for a walk when his fellow StuCo members pulled up. Ricky Tawil invited him for a "blindfolded gushers run at BJ's" and handed him an eye mask. He climbed into Jack Alboucai's Camaro, and the three were off.

When the engine stopped, Ebani was escorted inside. He removed his blindfold and found himself not at BJ's Wholesale Club, but at the Axelrod Performing Arts Center of the abandoned JCC of Greater Monmouth. Leon noticed some of his friends and colleagues sitting on stage, with a few extra chairs. The three of them occupied the remaining seats. He knew what was going on, but looking up only confirmed it: the banner read "ROAST OF LEON."

LTR: Roastmaster Lee Matalon, President Leon Ebani,
Racecar Driver Morris Cohen, Georgian Ovadia Harary, and VP Albert's Brother.

Lee Matalon, the Roastmaster of the evening, opened the event by introducing himself and the night's corporate sponsor.

Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Hello Leon, I'm Lee Matalon and I'll be the Roastmaster this evening. That's right -- these fine people are all here to roast you. So get ready. But before we begin, let's just acknowledge an important sponsor. This event could not have been possible without our friends at Rook Coffee Roasters. Hazak UBaruch. 

Then, the roasting began.

Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Leon, you suck at Physics. All/All/None of you can function, but you don't even know what a function is. Maybe we should all be old people like you, or maybe we should just throw out the bad kids. There's a reason I gave you all the dud jokes for Saturday Night Update.

Before returning to his seat, the Roastmaster called up the first guest.

Ovadia Harary: 

Leon, we've always been great friends. But lets face it, I didn't come up here all the way from Jawja to congratulate you. Your progress was nice but all the real initiatives came from the Ovadia Administration. After moving down South I became President of the Confederate States of Hillel. So watch out.

Harary sat down and Leon began to bash him back. Within seconds the room was roaring.

Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Woah woah you're starting a Rutgers!

At that, Morris Cohen took the mic and began to talk over the commotion.

Morris Cohen:
His brain might be as big as his nose, but his ego is of similar size. A day doesn't go by without him proclaiming himself president. He likes the big ones, a little too much. Love you buddy.

VP Ricky Tawil was next to ascend the podium.

Ricky Tawil:
Leon, you think you're a good president. The only thing you're good at is loading Gushers into other peoples' trunks. You're too busy with Hockey to do anything for Student Council. Thank you for giving me all my power. I wouldn't be upset if you got assassinated around election time.

Mr. Tawil returns to his seat, and the Roastmaster ascends the poduim.

Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
Thank you, Ikey. We're now going to ask members of the audience if they'd like to contribute opinions on Leon.

Freshman Zach Kassin raises his hand.

Zach Kassin:
I like him. I think he's a good president, he's a nice guy, he supports the school well, and he plays on the sports teams, and he has academics...

Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
You do know what a roast is, right?

A second audience member gives his opinion.

Leo Hanono:
Who?

At this point, another audience member stands and begins to speak.

Albert Tawil, former president:
He's a good president and everything, from what I hear. If only he were as good at ping pong as he is at politics.

Just as Leon stands up to defend himself, a dark figure bursts into the room and ascends the podium. He pulls out a few sheets of paper and begins reading.

Al Sultan:
My Toast/Roast of Leon Ebani
By rrrrAl Sultan

Leon Ebani
What can I say?
You astound me son
Each and EVERY DAY

From wrestling Chem teachers
To playing the sax
President Ebani
You take it to the max

The genius behind skyway
A fellow impracticial dahaker
You also know your Spongebob
Better than any cracker

Yet now I must roast
Leon the great
Or should I say not great haha
You fell for my bait

Feel the burn of this roast!
Be filled with fear
This poem is far from over
Insert urology joke here

I guess it’s on now!
The roasting has begun
You’re worse at being president
Than Cheney is with a gun

Ouch! That’s a rough one
But I just went there
Your presidency is about as real
As Donald Trump’s hair

Well I’m all out of rhymes
I guess this is the end
But seriously Leon you’re the best
And you are one awesome friend (:

The Roastmaster begins the closing ceremonies...

Roastmaster Lee Matalon:
We hope you enjoyed the evening. Dinner will be served shortly. We'd like to thank everyone who made it out here tonight—

...when a very mean guest rudely interrupts.

Uninvited Chemistry Teacher:
Just STOP! 
What is WRONG with you?!

EXCLUSIVE: An Interview With Uriya Teherani

DEAL, NJ -- He's the kid who struck it rich selling soda. He's the National Foosball League World Champion. He's a world class photographer. But do we really know who Uriya Teherani is? The Hillel Update had made a mission of finding out. Now, for the first time ever, Uriya's interview will be shared with the public.

Hillel Update: We're here with Uriya "Uriya2014" Teherani, over lunch for an interview. Uriya, say hi to the audience.
Uriya Teherani: Hey whats up
HU: We're just going to ask you a couple of questions. So, your Instagram account is pretty popular. What led you to launch the Instagram account?
UT: Actually, once I got my iPhone 5 I wanted to do it. I saw that everyone else was on it every second of the day, so I figured why not.
HU: And your weekly Shabbat Shalom pictures. Where do you get them from?
UT: I just look it up, on Google Images. Sometimes I find it in, like, different kinds of places.
HU: Many might remember you from the soda-selling days, but you recently got out of that business. Do you have any regrets?
UT: What do you mean?
HU: Do you regret getting out of the soda business?
UT: Yeah, I guess. I didn't have a choice. They came to me and said 'you have to stop selling.' I would be selling now if they didn't stop me.
HU: So is the amount of money you made selling soda over the years -- is that a public number? Or is it private?
UT: Um... I guess I made... I made over, like, five grand.
HU: $5000?!
UT: I made like $40 a day.
HU: Other students might remember you for your amazing Foosball skills. How'd you do it? Did you practice?
UT: Actually, in Israel, my uncles had a Foosball table at home. They were so good -- they played so well -- they actually broke the people. The way they spin it, they actually broke the peoples' heads when they tried to play.
HU: And that's where you got your practice, from an early age?
UT: Yeah. I'm getting this story, like, every day. (?)
HU: If you could be one person from the Torah, who would you be?
UT: ...that's a great question, that's a great question. (pause) I don't know.
HU: Let me rephrase it. If you could MEET one person, who would it be?
UT: Adam. I guess. It's like saying, 'if you could meet one person from history, who would it be?'
HU: Ok, you tell me. If you could meet one person from history, who would it be?
UT: ...honestly, I'd want to show Hitler how he messed up. How everything he lived for failed.
HU: So you'd meet Hitler and tell him where he went wrong. It's very deep and very interesting. Never thought about it.
UT: I'm in Holocaust [Literature class] so I think about these things.
HU: Many students wonder what makes you so awesome. Do you have a secret?
UT: Not really. I hang out with everyone, not just a specific group of people. I try to make it to special events in school.
Isaac Tawil: Do you want to go to Dean's after lunch?
HU: Isaac Tawil, Uriya's being interviewed for the Hillel Update. Please say Hi for the interview.
IT: Is he actually being interviewed?
HU: Yes.
IT: Hi interview.

Uriya Teherani with his private bodyguard Isaac Tawil

HU: Do you have any advice for the readers of the blog? How to be good students, be more awesome, anything?
UT: I guess in school, you probably want to be on your teacher's good side. There are people who sleep in class and get away with it, and those who get kicked out. A lot of kids in my class actually do that.
HU: One more question. Where does the '2014' in 'Uriya2014' come from?
UT: Originally it was 'Uriya2013'
HU: I remember that
UT: I did like, for the next year. Like, now it's 2013, so I did '2014.'
HU: Thank you Uriya.

Note: this is a transcription of an actual interview. The audio file is available from the Update Dept. of Records, P.O. Box 18101.

Hillel To Receive Tanning Beds

MIAMI, FL -- "It happens every year" said VP Rickety Tawil, "that first day back. Everybody's tan. You ask anyone where they went -- Aruba, Florida, Punta Cana, Oakhurst, Cancun -- it doesn't matter, because everybody looks great."

This was the idea that launched a new StuCo initiative. "The idea was simple," said President Ebani, "give everybody access to tanning beds to keep the student body that golden brown." Mr. Ebani who had returned from the Miami/Dade area, was rumored to have been looking at wholesale tanning equipment. "We had lots of ideas."

"First of all," continued VP Tawil, "we realize the importance of keeping the boys tan. We also recognize the importance of learning math. Therefore, we will allow the Gentlemen to tan during math class. It's a project we like to call 'Tan Gents.'"

"We're putting enough beds for every student" said Jacob Sitton, chairman of the Tanning And Recreation Organization of Hillel (T.O.R.A.H.), "and for the 8th graders, Spray Tans." The 8th Grade "Student Council" (aboose) President (who?) could not be reached for a comment, although chances are he's on Instagram.

"The part I was most enthusiastic about was the parking" said Tanner-in-Chief Leo Hanono of the Hanunu Institute for Sun Exposure. "The tanning stations will have their own parking lots." Ron Hopkins will be working for a Valet service under his new boss Big Will, who took the position by sheer force.

"Students need to remove their pullovers to use the beds anyway" noted Ebani, "and eventually they'll just stop wearing them altogether. This is how we got the Administration's OK." Even when students don't have time for the beds, they can enjoy a complimentary free tan from the new 6000mW ceiling lights powered by generators bought back from nervous parents after Sandy.

Even Shlomo is getting in on the tanning craze. He has installed three tanning beds in his own office and hopes to purchase a washing machine to form a complete "Gym Tan Laundry" experience. Meanwhile, Lrr Matalon is hoping that the school will finally install a locker room with showers.

The tanning beds will be temporarily located in the Shalom Lounge. They are not to be used during prayer except by the girls. "We haven't found a permanent home for the beds but talks are in the works of signing with some major tanning chains," concluded President Ebani, "so don't be surprised if you start seeing the name Planet Fitness around Hillel a lot more."

SPORTS: Seventh Annual Festival of Ball-Dodging

DEAL, NJ -- "If you can dodge slow freshmen on the way up to class, you can dodge a ball."

Those were the words of coach Patches O'Eisenstein to the members of team Dark Green during a pregame training exercise. Members Morris Cohen, Leo Hanono, Lee Matalon and Albert Hanan had a 5-0 record for the qualifying round and made it to the Semifinals. The Professional Dodgeball Association (PDA) has them tied for 4th Place with the Freiners team; independent analysts note that Dark Green, who submitted forms on time, is slightly above the Freiners, who were a last minute addition.

The Boys' Tournament was ultimately won by Light Blue. Team member Jrck "da/dt" Alboucai commented "burp burp." The Girls' Tournament champion title went to Hot Pink. Each tournament consisted of round-robin qualifying matches, followed by playoffs and a championship series. The Girls' Tournament had one division; the Boys had two.

The winning teams.

TOP: Hot Pink (L-R) Claudia Chera, Millie Hakim, Jani "Camille" Greenberg, Giv. Cohen-Seal

BOTTOM: Light Blue (L-R) Michael Bouganim, Jack Alboucai, David Gammal, Jesse Antebi

"Dodging and Balling have always been important skills in Hillel" said President Lrrn Ebani. "It helps students survive the chaos." Notably, all Box employees are trained to dodge thrown bagels and to pitch cream cheese in retaliation. "If you can't dodge flying objects and return fire, you couldn't last 5 minutes in Y10." The Y10/11 Gold Team, aka the Mashchisim promised to have "no rachmanus" on opponents.

Professional photographer Uriya "2013" Teherani made an appearance and photographed the event free of charge. Former CEO of the Consolidated Beverage Co., Teherani in fact did not cater the event as he has in past years. Older members of the audience may remember the days of fierce competition between two top product lines: Uriya's soda and Airhead Steve's candy. A student reportedly asked Uriya what he misses most about his days of a merchant. He replied, "voltage."

President Albert Tawil returned for the tournament, this year as the Chancellor of the PDA and as head referee. He was elected to assume this position when dodgeball legend Shlomo The Pirate decided not to run for reelection, after hearing that it would not be Preezon Dojjboll. Tawil finally got to use the big boy whistle and clipboard.

Critics openly bashed the tournament for "blowing the school's budget on sports" as the Student Council inches closer and closer to a fiscal cliff. The office of the Treasury responded that "we don't really have a budget. We don't have anything like that. We just sell bagels." Others complained that the tournament was too late in the season -- the weekend of December 25th is usually reserved for SemiNar.

All in all, the tournament was a success.

Senioritis Hits Kitchen Staff

DEAL, NJ -- With the closing of the first trimester, Senioritis sets in and infects the bodies of the 12th grade. Symptoms include laziness, poor grades, lack of attention, reduced stress and rudeness. It is commonly brought about by college acceptance (or deferral -- you know who you are). And no senior is an exception. Especially not lunch program director Murray Betesh.

It all began last month when some students noticed that the kelsones was still frozen at the core. The lunch kitchen staff happily replaced each lunch or refunded the money. The mistakes remained minor -- half-frozen kelsones, bagels without butter, and the occasional expired ketchup packets. Until one day, the entire fourth grade found meat in their Sambusak.

Parents confronted Murray Betesh (12) who is in fact a senior at Hillel Yeshiva High School. He will be graduating this year. Really. No joke. He chalked the errors up to "lack of sleep" and "too many college applications." He then promised there would be no further issues.

"He burnt my Chicken Nuggets!" said Leo Hanono.

"He burnt my Fries!" said Isaac Gartenberg.

"He burnt my Shake!" said Joe Betesh, taking a sip.

A sophomore recently filed in a complaint that he found "copious amounts" of hair in his noodles. After weeks of silence, the lunch program finally released a statement, replying that "it's actually normal but good job on using a vocab word."

Packaged as "Penne Vodka"

Late last week, it was discovered that when the kitchen ran out of small water bottles, instead of running to the store room to get another crate, Murray put out cans of Blue Sky Creamy Root Beer he had lying around. "This work is tough" said Murray as he reclined in his office while playing Angry Birds.

Activist groups such as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Al) have begun to boycott the Hillel lunch program. PETA, along with the NAAKP and the Crickets Rights Movement have convened in the back stairwell and recently launched a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of lunch program.

"Hey, it's Senior Year," said Mr. Betesh's agent, "he's basically done with this. The fact is Seniors tend to care less later in the year. So Murray's gotten a bit lazy. So maybe a first grader found a thumb in her sushi. It only happened once anyway, and that's no barometer. At the end of the day, the Lunch Program is putting bread on the table." Update reporters asked the agent, "Rye or Pumpernickel?" -- to which there was no comment.

"Unfortunately, students are resorting to Dougies" said VP Ricky Tawil in a statement, "and we can't be responsible for any deaths." To replace both the Lunch Program and Dougies, the StuCo is mandating a new 'Health Food Program.' "Students will be provided with a pamphlet of Food Coupons at the start of each week, each valued at a dollar, redeemable at the Box during lunchtime only." The act is aimed at getting students choose healthier lunches, such as Kit-Kats and Mountain Dew.

The coupons are redeemable at the box with Alan Menaged, Morris Gindi, or Jacob Sitton.

Schoolwide Halakha Is Tested

DEAL, NJ -- Students from around the globe bugged out en masse early this morning as they fumbled through pages of notes in the hallways. Every student had the same four packets and was preparing for the Schoolwide Halakha Exam. Administered once a trimester, every Hillelian must get passing grades on this test or risk imprisonment in the Book Room.

The test follows a consistent format from year to year. All multiple choice, the exam is to be completed on a scantron sheet. There are additionally a few mandatory questions on every exam. Each year, students are tested in depth on the subject of Hatzalah's number. In order to pass, each student must successfully unscramble the phrase "APPYH CHANUKKAH." Finally, every student must know when the Jews received the Greeks as a prize.

This student probably failed.

"It was an easy test" said Y10 student Aaron Bailey. Y10 students receive a modified version of the test with 15 questions and 20 skips. They are allowed to use notes, textbooks and calculators. Additionally, Y10 students can write notecards and keep them in special playbooks. They are expected to know the Beracha on Grilled Cheese.

The College Board recently announced that Rutgers will soon be accepting Schoolwide Halakha tests in lieu of SATs or ACTs. The move is aimed at getting more Hillel students to attend. Brookdale currently accepts Vocab Quizzes.

"The letter options were A A B C. I don't know how I finished" said tech blogger Jason Gindi, 11th grade. "But I know one thing: the Jews did in fact win the Greeks on the 25th." Jason Gindi is known locally for being thrown out twice in one Halakha period. "It was definitely the hardest guessing game I've ever played." Mr. Will could not be reached for a comment.

StuCo President Leon Ebani recently spoke at a Judaic Studies Rally about his 'Dual Incentive' program. "Students who take a schoolwide [halakha test] will be eligible to play in the Dodgeball Tournament for only $15." His program hopes to encourage students to study for halakha AND play dodgeball. On the topic, senior Morris A. Cohen was quoted as saying, "dark green."