Asian Student Brings School Rating Up

DEAL, NJ -- The United Private Schools Board (UPSB) -- which rates private schools nationally -- just finished its sweep of the nation, done once in 5 years. The Board rates each school based on diversity, grades, SAT scores and standards, on a 0-6 chart. Hillel, previously a 2-rated school, had made the important leap into category 5. Ovadia's Minister of Education commented that he's "proud that we're finally running alongside top schools such as MAYHS and Torah Academy."

Diversity was a big factor in the jump. "Previously, Hillel registered 100% Jewish" said the commissioner of the UPSB. "But now, Hillel checks in at 99.5% Jewish, 00.5% Asian." The rise in Asian Percentile is attributed to Hillel Senior Jacob Cohen. Hailing from China Korea Japan Asia, where he was known as Jei-ko Chen, he emigrated to the United States to attend Yeshiva. He pays for his tuition by working part time on the Hillel IT staff.


The Ovad Office said in a statement that "its finally good to have an ethnically diverse schools. Plus, everybody knows that Asians equal Good School. By law of physics, the school is now officially smarter. So its a win-win situation." Cohen's cousin, Mr. Win, is yet to comment on this.

Jacob Cohen, who reportedly sees in 16:9 Widescreen

The school has taken advantage of this new opportunity in every way possible. The 10th grade curriculum -- normally known for including Jewish History -- has been changed at the last minute to offer a Japanese History elective. Juniors will be allowed to take AP Korean Literature, and Seniors will be taking the mandatory course in Mandarin Chinese.

"But the seniors are definitely getting the biggest benefits" said the Ovadia Administration. The Israel Trip has quickly been changed to tour the island of Taiwan. Diplomas will be printed in multiple Eastern languages. But the "biggest news" according to the President, is about graduation. Knicks player Jeremy Lin -- "possibly a nephew" of Mr. Cohen -- has been invited to give the commencement address.

Jacob Cohen was quickly offered the positions of Valedictorian, Salutatorian, StuCo President and Director of Judaic Studies. After declining all of them, he left on a private jet to Costa Rica, to tour the world.