Hillel Girls Refuse To Buy Bagels

DEAL, NJ -- It was a lovely day. Prayer went particularly fast. The Seniors were away on their annual Israel trip. The Ovadia Administration, away at a meeting in Knesset, left other students in charge of food, under the new Ekel Distribution Board. Leon Ebani and Ricky Tawil ran the box as usual. Morris Cohen and Leo Hanono took lunch orders. Bagels were sold by Lee Matalon and Jack Alboucai. Cream Cheese is reportedly "being handled" by Michael Shomer.

The two Juniors began walking around with their brown paper bags, part of a new Mobile Bagel Sale Program. "The bagels come to you!" commented Eric Vaknin on the new system. Also known as "Beggle Snacks," these bagels are known to be a staple of the Hillel Diet. The menu includes Egg, Egg ET and Cinnamon Raisin. Legend has it that the 2009-10 School Year featured many more flavors. As appealing as they are, some students, unfortunately, refuse to buy bagels.

Rachel Wolkoff (11) and Devorah Wittels (11) were two such students. When the Beggle Snack salesman passed by and offered, they declined. The two, however, requested to be in the Update. The salesman offered to write an article about them if they bought bagels. They declined once more.

"I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS" commented Bagelier Lee Matalon, "EVERY DAY I SELL THESE BAGELS. WHY DO GIRL AND OTHER GIRL HAVE TO WHINE? THEY'RE RUDE! I NEVER HAVE TO YELL AT MY STANDARD CUSTOMERS. I WANT THEM TO EAT. THEY NEED TO STOP THESE DUMBGERRY!"

The Ekel Distribution Board said in a statement, "the underlying problem is that these girls are simply MAYHS girls. They didn't get daily bagels over there. They're simply not used to the system." The bagel system reportedly takes more than a year to acclimate to. "Today, a Freshman asked, 'why do the Juniors sell bagels?' and we replied, 'because the Seniors are away.' He then asked, 'but why the JUNIORS?'"

Official sources claim that Wolkoff and Wittels will not be featured in the Update. "They didn't buy bagels, they don't get in the blog" said blog editor Lee Matalon. "The bagel world seems simple, but in reality, its very cray." Bagels are available for $1.00, Monday through Friday, after ShahHareet.

MENTION THIS ARTICLE AND COLLECT A FREE BAGEL ON THE 4TH FLOOR, THIS WEEK ONLY!