DEAL, NJ -- Purim, the holiday of candy and costumes is just about here. Also known as "Hebreween," this holiday will see the global Jewish Community dressing up and celebrating the Book of Esther. The Update could not agree more -- what better time for celebration?
We at the Hillel Update want to wish you a Happy Purim on the day itself. However our offices are closed for Purim. Instead, the Update has sponsored FREE BAGELS for the day before Purim. The planned varieties include Egg-ET, Cinnamon Raisin, Egg, Sesame, Poppy and the coveted Salt Bagel. And these will all be available to Hillel Students who present their (previously worthless) Student IDs and mention this post.
"But the bagels aren't gonna happen" said Leo Hanono, a close friend of Update Editor-In-Chief Lee Matalon. "Mr. Matalon planned the order assuming the vote to abolish the fast of Esther would pass." The fast -- Taanit Esther -- is scheduled to happen the day before Purim. All foodstuffs are banned for consumption, which leads to an "egregious error" in the Halakhic system.
"There is no way to cancel the order at this point" commented an Update spokesperson. "Thats Ona'ah" said Rav Edward Benjamin, "but they kinda deserve it for trying to uproot the Torah." (Edward Benjamin is generally uninformed when it comes to uprooting things. The Update has confirmed that in this case, Mr. Benjamin is, in fact, right.)
A representative of the Ovadia Administration has released a public statement on their official solution of the problem. "Since it's a fast day, we can't let the bagels into the school." The bagels will be delivered at 4:00 AM. "The bagels will be burned on site." Mr. Harary was asked how he is fueling the mass bagel bonfire, and he replied "with the fire of Torah." Where the Ovad Office plans to get said Torah has not been confirmed.
Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.
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