Matalon Invents Time Machine, Wishes You A Happy New Year

DEAL, NJ -- Local Hillel Junior and Update editor-in-chief Lee Matalon has recently reported discovering time travel. He subsequently built a time machine and traveled 4.5 hours into the future.

"First off," started Matalon, "I want to wish you a happy new year. It may seem a few hours early, however I assure you that where I am, it is already 2012. I am not going to reveal the secrets of what will happen, but the next few hours will be very Snape kills Dumbledore."

The AP Physics students were baffled by the discovery. "While sitting in math class, I plugged in the wrong numbers, and got 1 = 0. It all started to make sense." His teacher -- who heads both departments of the PTA -- verified that the equation was correct in terms of Time Travel.

Kotel Ha-Ma'aravi, IN THE FUTURE!

"When I got home," Matalon continues, "I built a time machine out of a DeLorean, a Flux-Capacitor and a Bagel. But by then, Shabbat was starting so I had to pause my work. After Shabbat, I started the engine and jumped forward four-and-a-half hours."

The time traveler has reported that flying cars do not exist yet. "But just in case, Coast is already training instructors." He is rumored to be opening a Time Travel Shop/Tutoring Center.

"It is 2012 as this is being typed. This message should arrive in the present time at around 7:32 PM on December 31, 2011."

Wishing you a Happy Early New Year from the Hillel Update!

Chazanim Concert a Big Hit

DEAL, NJ -- During today's Shahrit, students had the chance to enjoy the second Chazanim Concert of the year. Drastically different from the previous so-called, "September Selihot Shebang," the so-called "Thursday Torah Ta'amim-a-thon" was a sold out smash it.

The three Chazanim included Edward Benjamin, Ovadia Harary and Yair Alfiah. The three ascended to the Tevah in that order and read the Torah with much skill and kavanah.

From Left: Yair Alfiah, Edward Benjamin, Ovadia Harary

Rishon Letzion Rabbenu Meir Binyamin told the Update that he's "proud that Hillel can introduce such great Sepharadi culture to it's students." Edward read with no mistakes.

Ribi Ovadiahu Harary HaNasi commented afterwards that he's "glad that [they] outsold the first Chazanim." After completing his reading, various congregants hurled Cream Cheese at him in place of Lebas, which were sold out from the Box.

HaRav HaGaon Yair Alfiah SHLITA was the third to read from the Torah. After completing a full passuk,  the congregation had him start over in order to hear even more. He noted that "it went really well." He ended  the concert by leading Shir Shel Yom and Ketoret.

Mr. Morris Cohen -- lead vocalist of the Y13 Boys Quartet -- commented from a musician's standpoint that it was "absolutely astonishing." He also relayed to us some inside information, stating that "I just want to clear up why Ovadia read Levi [in specific] -- if Yair read immediately after Edward, it would have been too much holiness for the Kahal to handle."

Rumors are floating of a possible tour of the schools of the Community, however nothing is final at this point.

SURVEY: Most Students Like Driving

DEAL, NJ -- Ya like driving? Statistically, you probably do.

A survey conducted by Leo Hanono of the Hanunu Institute For Highway Safety/Hebrew Language Studies suggests that the majority of the the student body does in fact enjoy driving. "Its especially prevalent among students who have a perMit."

According to the collected data, very few freshman like driving. A minority of the (older) sophomores like driving. The graph peaks with juniors, who have their perMits and like driving a lot. It then dips a bit for seniors who either don't have cars or simply view driving as a chore.

Chances are, ya like driving.

"Some students feel so passionately about driving," explained Hanono, "that they changed their names to match car brands. Nissan is one of the more popular choices." This is a phenomenon which originated in Russia.

The Hanunu Institute has found, however, that most of the students do not use enough brake. To deal with the problem, they advise to "use maw brake." Some the students lurch forward, failing to realize that the gas is like a feather.

Ex-Hillelian Samantha Kolb was asked if she likes driving, and she replied "yes...but I hate Hillel." The baby brother of 11th grader Felix Ades is also reported to like driving. Señor David Abraham, who drives a Toyota Camry, also likes driving.

"This is all great," finished Hanono, "but it begs the question: do YOU like driving?"

Follow Leo Hanono on Twitter @lhanono (he's got some pretty good tweets)

Brave Student Returns Aristotle To Rightful Place

DEAL, NJ -- After surviving a murder attempt, Aristotle went missing. His location was unknown for around 24 hours. The blame was thrown around, teachers were searched, and the Update launched a Twitter campaign (#WheresAristotle).

When the investigators had given up and hope was all but lost, a brave student went forth and found the missing philosopher. Jesse Antebi, (11th), is credited with leading the pivotal rescue mission. A picture was posted to on his Twitter late last night in response to the campaign. Update reporters spent the night determining the legitimacy of the image.

Antebi posted a picture to Twitter late last night.

"We couldn't see the blue yarmulke or the chest fractures, which would have been telltale signs that this image was real" claimed Update-funded investigators.

Reporters from both the Update and the Hillel Herald went to confirm Aristotle's return. The Herald's article on this fiasco is expected to run in their next issue, which will debut just in time for Passover.

Antebi has achieved a level of fame in Hillel. He's received multiple offers to become a Private Eye. The most prominent lost objects include 10 Cases of Philadelphia Cream Cheese, the keyboard for the middle computer in the Library, and a Pink Spaldeen.

The 4 statues -- 2 Homers and 2 Aristotles -- are now sitting in the office window of their department with satirical speech bubbles above them. O'Shean, however was not present.

Aristotle is Aristolen

DEAL, NJ -- After recovering from a lifesaving operation, Ari Shlomo Puglisowitz, who in fact, survived the attempt on his life, returned to sentient life. On Wednesday, Aristotle was passed around to students who contribute intelligent ideas to the English class. This reporter was one of the last to be seen with him.

On Thursday morning, he was nowhere to be found.

"Aristotle is gone, and everybody is a suspect" announced Steven R. Jemal, a spokesman for Hillel Yeshiva Board of Kefira. His lunch table quietly agreed.

But in all seriousness, who are the suspects? Asher Marks, who failed to murder Aristotle within the month, is not one of them; he has an alibi of being on the Garden State Parkway, which was confirmed by police when they pulled over a beat up green van containing him and his friends.

Hillel's newest english teacher became a prime suspect. However, he was crossed off the list when Hillel's oldest English teacher patted him down. Both men are clear.

Aristotle's longtime study-buddy Kalva-Homer Eisenpug was also released from the list after swearing in front of a Beit Din consisting of the Y11, Y12 and Y13 TSBP teachers.

Classes were halted mid-period for an emergency Kumzitz initiated by Nathan Cohen.

Any information on his whereabouts should be tweeted publicly with the hashtag #WheresAristotle

Ashkenaz Midrash Window Missing, Racism Outbreak

DEAL, NJ -- One of the door windows of the Ashkenaz Midrash has recently popped out. While the congregants within have no problem, those outside have more light to shed on the subject.

"This is an outrage!" commented Morris, a Syrian student. "We pass by for Kohanim and we hear them praying in some weirdo alienese yiddish!"

The sounds of the Ashkenaz prayer has seeped out of the room and through the halls. "We can hear the davening and gefiltefishing... it's gazzed" commended another Syrian student, also named Morris. No comments have been made on the fact that the majority of Ashkenazic services is actually silent, whereas the rest is sped through by the Chazan.

"Not only is their prayer disturbing, but they keep singing their annoying tunes" commented a student only identified as Sackuh.

An Ashkenaz congregant wonders "Why do the Sfardies have to be all racist?" -- to which a Syrian student named Morris replied "What's wrong with the SAH-FAH-RAH-DEEM?"

"This is the second window related crime that the A-Mid has committed" an SY student named David tells the  Update. "First they husho 4 of the shevatim windows, and now this?" The Update sent an investigative reporter on the scene to scope out the situation.

"What I've found," commented Detective Morris, "is a distinct lack of Talitot in the Ashkie-Midrash. The room itself is below zero. The J-Dubs are just cold. Perhaps the Ovadia Administration should send them a shipment of TaleSnuggies."

Others, such as Mordechai Luther Kingowitz, Jr, are approaching the situation differently. "I have a dream that one day, my children and their children can pray together, in the Midrash of freedom." Kingowitz, founder of the Kugel Rights Movement, is a strong supporter of having one universal Girsah, text. He is also a strong opponent of segregation. "Why can't Dave and Dovid get along?"

On one occasion, bystanders threw what appeared to be Meat-Torpedoes at Kingowitz. "Perhaps if the students had actually gone on SemiNar," noted Kingowitz, "they'd have learned a thing or two about Ahdoot."

Who Is The Rav? A Hillel Update Exposé

By: Jesse Rothstein


He has a second floor office. He is rumored to have founded Engrade. He prays with the Juniors and Seniors. But in reality, we have no idea who he is. Until now.


Now that SemiNar has concluded, and the students have bonded with their Rabbanim/morot, they have discovered a few interesting tid-bits of information about them. For this reporter, it was the man that you love to hate. The man who has over a million sweaters. And the man who loves Torah almost as much as he loves giving you lunch detentions for talking.


After a full weekend of bonding with him, and observing his actions outside of a school setting, I have collected a bunch of data. Seeing him cameo in some of the SemiNar films has also allowed for data to be collected. And it has finally, after all these years, been uncovered what exactly he enjoys doing.
       
The data has been arranged in the form of a list, because well, let's face it, you wouldn't be able to understand it through any other medium.
              
The list is as follows:

• Tormenting children by giving them lunch detention.
• Proving Hashem wrong.
• Giving impossible Computer Science homework assignments.
• Fly-fishing.
• Buying sweaters.
• Gardening
• Learning Torah.
• Giving Ya'akov Shwecky singing lessons.
• Being elusive when you need to talk to him about something important.
• Calculating Ona'ah.
• Playing with his children and toy giraffes.
• Singing songs off key.

       
What we can learn from this list, is that this man is no ordinary human. He engages in way too many activities, and some of them are too contradictory to even understand why he enjoys partaking in both of them. He's a complicated man. Maybe Asher Marks knows why, he spends more time with him than anybody else in Hillel.


Follow Jesse Rothstein on twitter: @jessr94

Y13 Boys Quartet Tops Chart

DEAL, NJ -- Soaring past the Bloody Splinters and the Leon Ebani Experience is the fresh and upcoming Y13 Boys Quartet, who topped the charts with their hit single "Hungry?" today. The group was formed one fateful Chumash Class where the four began singing a little number out of boredom.

"The best is that the everyone knew the song at the end of class" group member Morris Cohen told the Hillel Update. The Quartet is also doing a cover of Yaakov Shwekey's "Ra'u Banim." It's members include the aforementioned Morris Cohen, along with Lee Matalon, Leo Hanono and Isaac Sasson.

The group's manager Jesse Rothstein excitedly announced the Quartet's first photoshoot today after Minchah. Hanono had his Right Leg amputated specially for the shoot. One such photo is featured on the cover of their album "Hungry?" which was announced later that day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The album cover of "Hungry?"

Cohen's solo "Very Very Hungry/Absolutely Starving" undoubtedly the hardest stanza to memorize but the majority of Y13 had it down in under 1 class.

"What's next?" asked Isaac Sasson, "nobody can tell." Numerous remixes are said to be recorded, including the "Bup Bup Bup" edition and the "Ari Give Me Food Now" edition. "We wanted to add a Rap to the Music Video when it comes out" said member Leo Hanono, "and Eminem contacted us. But we turned him down for not being Jewish." Rumors of a deal with Drake, who IS Jewish, are floating around.

A deal is also in the works with Box Records, founded by the Jazz Musician Leon Ebani.

Nobody can tell where this Quartet will be next. "But, when asked if we'd be opening for Yaakov Shwekey," said Manager Rothstein, "I broke the news that he'd be opening for us.

Follow the Y13 Boys Quartet on Twitter: @MorrisACohen @leematalon @LHanono
Follow the group's Manager on Twitter: @jessr94

The Y13 Boys Quartet Photoshoot: Image 1 Image 2 Image 3 Image 4

SemiNar Hosts 128 Students, Ex-Marine

NORTH JERSEY -- This weekend was Hillel's SemiNar, a weekend of fun in a Hotel. The first event was Ice Skating, which received visits from various General Studies teachers to see us off.

The Shabbat itself featured numerous celebrities: the world-class dahak Andy Miz, the Notable Syrian Cantor Charles Saka, and Hillel's own Rabbaim. Events included "Kibbe and Kugel" -- a boys only food/kumzitz session. "I like the idea," noted one Rav, "but next year we should have Kibbe and Kibbe."

The catering was imported from Hillel's Freezer. A constant supply of Water Bottles was provided, however this ran out when people actually started to get thirsty. "The Lachmagene was very doughy," commented a student, "the only thing cooked here is the chef."

The Services were performed by the Saka family: Charlie Saka, Elliot Saka and Saka Saka. Musical Guests included the The Bloody Splinters, The Leon Ebani Experience, The Hebrew Hipsters and Hillel's own Rav B. Students could be heard singing "Nekadesh" on the bus ride home.

Saturday Night Comedy was done by Lee Matalon and Ricky Tawil. The former put together skits and live comedy while the latter produced videos. A student later told the Update "BURP BURR." The world renowned hypnotist "Burnout Bill" also made a rather lengthy appearance. 

However the favorite entertainment of the night was an Ex-Marine Security Guard hired to prevent the ruckus. His bits included shining flashlights at students, pulling mattresses out from under students, and some argument with an unidentified turban-wearing terrorist.

"Me and the Boys had a great time" said an anonymous "RebBAY." 

Aristotle Killed In Falling Accident

DEAL, NJ -- During today's lesson, the teacher of AP English Language and Composition planned to show a documentary to his class. Much time was wasted due to technical difficulties. In order to solve the problem, the entire lesson was moved to a different classroom.

In the midst of the commotion, the Aristotle Statuette was knocked over and destroyed -- the second time in 2 years. He suffered major fractures to the body shortly after recovering from a broken nose.

Aristotle, who's birth name was Ari-Shlomo Puglisowitz, was actually an Ashkenaz Jew. The student responsible for the damage declined to comment.

Aristotle's chavruta (study partner), Kalva-Homer Eisenpug, was devastated. "Sing in me, Muse," spoke Homer of his lost companion, "and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending."

From Left: Kalva-Homer Eisenpug and Ari-Shlomo Puglisowitz Z"L

"Ibe" commented Ssssolomonsultan, an AP English student.

Aristotle practiced his Judaism in private, and kept it separate from his Secular teachings. However, he always publicly wore a blue yarmulke -- a gift from longtime friend and Panthers player Joe Epstein.

The Arayat for Ari-Shlomo Puglisowitz Z"L -- shortened as "ARIZAL" will replace Jazz Club during Wednesday Meeting Period.

This article is dedicated Lailoy Nishmos Ari-Shlomo Puglisowitz.