Hillel Senior Captured by Hamas, Rescued

GAZA STRIP, P.A. -- Hillel 12th Graders were preparing to go on their Senior Trip to the Holy Land. But instead of visiting Hershey Park, they ended up going to Israel. This 8-Day journey was the culmination of their high school experience. Israel, being a perpetual war zone, was guaranteed safe for tourists. This guarantee, however, did not hold.

On their first day, the seniors went for lunch at the food court at the Gaza Strip Mall. Students rushed for the McDonalds, which had no visible certification, but the sign was in Hebrew. (Saka Charles was asked what certification it has, and he replied "OK!"). Just as the third round of fries were ordered, the sirens went off. People rushed left and right to get to bomb shelters. No bombs actually hit, but student Al "Rrral" Sultan was lost in the commotion.

IDF Sergeant Leo Hanono, who was not actually on the trip, immediately concluded that he was taken by Hamas. President Ovadia S. Harary was contacted immediately, but, was unavailable to act. When asked about his middle initial, he said it stood for "essss." Edward Benjamin, StuCo VP, was summoned to settle the  issue.

"We don't know wherrrAl is, but we'll find him." noted Benjamin. Meanwhile, a keen-eyed student spotted a minivan speeding away from the site. This minivan led Hillel Authorities right to the beis medrish of the Chief Reebay of Israel. The students, only having learned NETA, were unable to communicate with him in Hebrew. The Rabbi -- a native of Hong Kong -- was able to speak with Hillelian Jacob Cohen. The clues he gave led the Hillel boys to the next step in their search for Al, the Kotel HaMa'arabi.

Also known as the Wailing Wall, the Kotel HaMa'arabi is the holiest site in all of Judaism. The boys stopped for a quick prayer, led by former Hillelian Ari Abrams. Since his move to Israel, Abrams became a notable Sephardic Cantor, overshadowing a very upset Mr. Charles. While crying in the corner, Saka noticed a very distinct trail of Tahine. Following this trail brought a group of Jewish boys close to their homeland -- Uncle Jacks Good2Go on Route 35.

Uncle Jack (who's actually named Roberto, and has no family) took one look at the Tahine and was able to identify its origin. After tasting it, he blurt out an address: 73 Rechov Mahmoudi, Khan Younnis, 'Aza, Yisrael. After a brief search on Google Maps Beta, a boarded up warehouse was located as the source of the Tahine. The Hillel Boys were off again.

Having arrived at 73 Mahmoudi Street, the boys devised a plan. Alpha Team readied themselves at the front, and Gold team hit the back. Nathan Betesh reportedly said "Gold Team rules!" In an instant, all 10 students were inside. Found were 4 mid-twenties Israeli Arabs. After wrestling them down to the ground (nobody had guns), they were questioned.

"It turns out," commented President Ovadia, "that Hamas was not responsible." The fiasco was due to a typo on the accident report. "In reality, the real culprit was not Hamas, but secret organization called Hummous. Dedicated to making "the best darned chickpea dip in the East," Hummous sent its members for lunch, who accidentally pulled the fire alarm at the food court.

"But where's Al?" one may ask. Funny story actually. It turns out he was actually holding the camera the whole time. Ha ha, good one Al!

Hillel Girls Refuse To Buy Bagels

DEAL, NJ -- It was a lovely day. Prayer went particularly fast. The Seniors were away on their annual Israel trip. The Ovadia Administration, away at a meeting in Knesset, left other students in charge of food, under the new Ekel Distribution Board. Leon Ebani and Ricky Tawil ran the box as usual. Morris Cohen and Leo Hanono took lunch orders. Bagels were sold by Lee Matalon and Jack Alboucai. Cream Cheese is reportedly "being handled" by Michael Shomer.

The two Juniors began walking around with their brown paper bags, part of a new Mobile Bagel Sale Program. "The bagels come to you!" commented Eric Vaknin on the new system. Also known as "Beggle Snacks," these bagels are known to be a staple of the Hillel Diet. The menu includes Egg, Egg ET and Cinnamon Raisin. Legend has it that the 2009-10 School Year featured many more flavors. As appealing as they are, some students, unfortunately, refuse to buy bagels.

Rachel Wolkoff (11) and Devorah Wittels (11) were two such students. When the Beggle Snack salesman passed by and offered, they declined. The two, however, requested to be in the Update. The salesman offered to write an article about them if they bought bagels. They declined once more.

"I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS" commented Bagelier Lee Matalon, "EVERY DAY I SELL THESE BAGELS. WHY DO GIRL AND OTHER GIRL HAVE TO WHINE? THEY'RE RUDE! I NEVER HAVE TO YELL AT MY STANDARD CUSTOMERS. I WANT THEM TO EAT. THEY NEED TO STOP THESE DUMBGERRY!"

The Ekel Distribution Board said in a statement, "the underlying problem is that these girls are simply MAYHS girls. They didn't get daily bagels over there. They're simply not used to the system." The bagel system reportedly takes more than a year to acclimate to. "Today, a Freshman asked, 'why do the Juniors sell bagels?' and we replied, 'because the Seniors are away.' He then asked, 'but why the JUNIORS?'"

Official sources claim that Wolkoff and Wittels will not be featured in the Update. "They didn't buy bagels, they don't get in the blog" said blog editor Lee Matalon. "The bagel world seems simple, but in reality, its very cray." Bagels are available for $1.00, Monday through Friday, after ShahHareet.

MENTION THIS ARTICLE AND COLLECT A FREE BAGEL ON THE 4TH FLOOR, THIS WEEK ONLY!

Asian Student Brings School Rating Up

DEAL, NJ -- The United Private Schools Board (UPSB) -- which rates private schools nationally -- just finished its sweep of the nation, done once in 5 years. The Board rates each school based on diversity, grades, SAT scores and standards, on a 0-6 chart. Hillel, previously a 2-rated school, had made the important leap into category 5. Ovadia's Minister of Education commented that he's "proud that we're finally running alongside top schools such as MAYHS and Torah Academy."

Diversity was a big factor in the jump. "Previously, Hillel registered 100% Jewish" said the commissioner of the UPSB. "But now, Hillel checks in at 99.5% Jewish, 00.5% Asian." The rise in Asian Percentile is attributed to Hillel Senior Jacob Cohen. Hailing from China Korea Japan Asia, where he was known as Jei-ko Chen, he emigrated to the United States to attend Yeshiva. He pays for his tuition by working part time on the Hillel IT staff.


The Ovad Office said in a statement that "its finally good to have an ethnically diverse schools. Plus, everybody knows that Asians equal Good School. By law of physics, the school is now officially smarter. So its a win-win situation." Cohen's cousin, Mr. Win, is yet to comment on this.

Jacob Cohen, who reportedly sees in 16:9 Widescreen

The school has taken advantage of this new opportunity in every way possible. The 10th grade curriculum -- normally known for including Jewish History -- has been changed at the last minute to offer a Japanese History elective. Juniors will be allowed to take AP Korean Literature, and Seniors will be taking the mandatory course in Mandarin Chinese.

"But the seniors are definitely getting the biggest benefits" said the Ovadia Administration. The Israel Trip has quickly been changed to tour the island of Taiwan. Diplomas will be printed in multiple Eastern languages. But the "biggest news" according to the President, is about graduation. Knicks player Jeremy Lin -- "possibly a nephew" of Mr. Cohen -- has been invited to give the commencement address.

Jacob Cohen was quickly offered the positions of Valedictorian, Salutatorian, StuCo President and Director of Judaic Studies. After declining all of them, he left on a private jet to Costa Rica, to tour the world.

Free Taanit Esther Bagels Sponsored By Hillel Update

DEAL, NJ -- Purim, the holiday of candy and costumes is just about here. Also known as "Hebreween," this holiday will see the global Jewish Community dressing up and celebrating the Book of Esther. The Update could not agree more -- what better time for celebration?

We at the Hillel Update want to wish you a Happy Purim on the day itself. However our offices are closed for Purim. Instead, the Update has sponsored FREE BAGELS for the day before Purim. The planned varieties include Egg-ET, Cinnamon Raisin, Egg, Sesame, Poppy and the coveted Salt Bagel. And these will all be available to Hillel Students who present their (previously worthless) Student IDs and mention this post.

"But the bagels aren't gonna happen" said Leo Hanono, a close friend of Update Editor-In-Chief Lee Matalon. "Mr. Matalon planned the order assuming the vote to abolish the fast of Esther would pass." The fast -- Taanit Esther -- is scheduled to happen the day before Purim. All foodstuffs are banned for consumption, which leads to an "egregious error" in the Halakhic system.

"There is no way to cancel the order at this point" commented an Update spokesperson. "Thats Ona'ah" said Rav Edward Benjamin, "but they kinda deserve it for trying to uproot the Torah." (Edward Benjamin is generally uninformed when it comes to uprooting things. The Update has confirmed that in this case, Mr. Benjamin is, in fact, right.)

A representative of the Ovadia Administration has released a public statement on their official solution of the problem. "Since it's a fast day, we can't let the bagels into the school." The bagels will be delivered at 4:00 AM. "The bagels will be burned on site." Mr. Harary was asked how he is fueling the mass bagel bonfire, and he replied "with the fire of Torah." Where the Ovad Office plans to get said Torah has not been confirmed.

ArtScroll Releases New Yalkut Yosef Volume

DEAL, NJ -- ArtScroll press, famous for their printing and translation of famous Jewish texts, has recently printed a new edition of the Yalkut Yosef. Hillel Yeshiva has just received a gift of over 200 copies of the book. ArtScroll continued its tradition of naming the edition after the donor who sponsored it, in this case, a Hillel senior.


The Charles Edition Yalkut Yosef, named after sponsor Saka S. Charles will include a new English translation, the classic commentaries, and new commentaries by rabbis such as The E Gaon and Bible Codes Guy. The three volume set is available on ArtScroll's website, and through Saka's company, Charlesar. Saka is "very excited" to have his family name plastered on the front cover of every book. 


"This publicity is great for Saka" said Mr. Charles' agent, "we want to make Saka Charles a name found in every home. A global brand. We're also pretty happy to have him in the Update" Saka is reported to have, after taking the below picture, walked into the hallways and announced "I'm in the blog" to at least 3 people.

Mr. Saka Charles with the Charles Edition Yalkut Yosef

An excerpt from Saka's dedication letter reads, "by arming the reader with an arsenal of torah and mitzvot, I hope to provide the means necessary for any student to solve any problems, all while learning." The Gold Version of the Charles Edition follows this message with Saka's own handwritten signature, the famous "circled-SC." The Gold Version includes a copy of "The Saka Notes," Mr. Charles' own commentary on Sefer Vayikra. Donors will receive a Gold Edition.

The Hillel Update has worked a deal with ArtScroll Publications and is selling the Charles Edition Yalkut Yosef for 20% off. The regular price of $179 ($199 Gold) has been reduced to $144 ($160 Gold). When asked to comment on this seemingly Onaah-like price drop,  Saka answered with his signature "øh." By entering the code HIL12UPD on Charlesar's website, one can order

this priceless addition to anyone's library at an amazing price.