Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Hillel To Offer SemiNar Class

DEAL, NJ -- "The Seniors just can't get enough" VP-Elect Ricky Tawil, "they love SemiNar." Hillel's SemiNar weekend is known to be dominated by the Seniors, who run circles, comedy and ruckus. "Something had to be done to appease them." Hillel Yeshiva HS will, for the first time in history, be offering a class fully dedicated to SemiNar.

"It's technically called 'Leadership Seminar,'" said a student who has applied for the class. "We don't really know what the class is about. But it sounds cool. And hey: SemiNar." It is still unknown who will be teaching the class. Students have pestered various administrators and extracted tidbits of information: there supposedly will be a lot of reading. The teacher is could be new to Hillel, and may have around 35 years of experience.

A curriculum portfolio was leaked by the aforementioned portfolios. The class will be covering all aspects of SemiNar. It is to be taught in 7 units: Intro to SemiNar, Hazzanut, Circles, Sessions, Comedy and Ruckus, and will be divided into a Part A (SemiNar Attendance) and Part B (SemiNar Planning). Each unit will have a guest speaker and a test.

Intro to SemiNar is the longest unit, spanning September through December. It covers general semiNar etiquette -- the ins and outs of being a student on  SemiNar . "Students," according to the curriculum, "will learn the basic rules of going on  SemiNar : the songs, the games, the ruckus tactics, etc." Tests will be administered in September, October and November. Students will not be tested in December, but instead receive a participation grade on SemiNar itself. The midterm in January will cover all of this material. (Part A). Speaking will be Burnout Bill himself.

Hazzanut is the shortest unit and covers the basics of being a Hazzan on SemiNar. Students will be given the skills to read the Torah eloquently, as well as to choose the right tunes for Nakdishach. This short unit will be taught in early January. Its material will be tested on the Midterm. The planned guest speaker is Saka Charles.

Circles is the unit for February. Students will learn all of the songs in the SemiNar booklet, including 'Puff the Kosher Dragon' and 'Shake It Up Zaide' (PAGE 10, SONG 26). They are expected to know when to initiate what song -- essentially, which are fast and slow. Additionally, they'll learn how to run a singing circle. The guest speakers will be Me and Ze Boys.

Sessions will the taught in March. The topic of said unit is how to deliver successful SemiNar sessions. Every student is expected to be able to run a session, and toac a speech after learning the topic 3 minutes earlier. Miscellaneous lessons such as arranging chairs and making posters are included. The speaker is a mystery Reebay (Mystereebay).

Comedy in April will discuss the all important aspect of Saturday night SemiNar entertainment. Students will make videos, assemble skits and learn dances. Additionally, they will experience an authentic all-nighter, called "SemiNar Thursday" by those in the know. The SemiNar Thursday project will have students broken up into groups of three. Each student will be assigned either a skit, video or dance to make. The group must then collaborate to have a Saturday Night show ready by 5:00 AM. Albert Tawil will be guest-speaking.

Ruckus is the long awaited final unit of the class, taught in May. Students are taught how to prepare for a SemiNar ruckus. Skills include stealing pillows and making water balloons out of shower caps. They are also taught how to maintain a constant speed while running, and tips for causing as much collateral damage as possible. Students are expected to display a minimum Love of Hashem. Speaking will be Dr. Nathan Cohen, YmD (Young Magen Doctorate).

The final exam will test only on the second half of the year. The first part of the two part test is multiple choice. The second part is ruckus demonstration. Anyone who gets above a 65 is invited to be an adviser for the coming year's SemiNar.

"In short," said an administrator, "it's a great idea."

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

President Ovadia Harary Bids Hillel A Fairwell

DEAL, NJ -- The end of the year is upon us. With the great Color War over, the Ovadia Administration is packing up its things to depart. The new election season is soon to begin. Many faces, new and old, are making their appearances on the ballot. But before these aspiring politicians take the stage, Ovadia Harary's student council must bid its fairwell to Hillel.

"We had some amazing events this year" Mr. Harary released to the press. "Dodgeball hit a new high this year, with many more students in attendance than last year. But it also had that personal touch, when a certain dark green 'Reebay' ran across the line and started hitting people with the ball -- he thought that was the object of the game."

PresiVadia had a number of people to thank for the successes of his administration. "Joyce Cohen, Lilly Tebele and Nicole Vaknin did a phenomenal job, as did Edward [Benjamin] and Isaac [Sasson]. They were my cabinet, and they were good at being it." The student council of 2012 will be graduating this year. "I also want to extend my greatest thanks to our 'unofficial' student council members: Leon Ebani, Lee Matalon and Ricky Tawil."

"SemiNar comedy was ridiculously good this year thanks to both our official and unofficial members. Ricky did an amazing job with the videos. Lee, as well, produced some A+ work on his videos and skits. They worked countless hours to pull the whole thing together. The StuCo guys put together a great dance; the girls did a great job with all of the behind the scenes things. I could not have wished for a better team for SemiNar."

Ovadia recalls the night before SemiNar, asking the administration "who was doing the Saturday night comedy. They replied, 'we got this guy named Bill, he's great, don't worry.' Turns out he was the biggest goon in history." Dr. Burnout Bill, HyD (Doctor of Hypnosis), was unable to comment.

"Possibly my biggest political achievement was solving Hillel's hunger problem. If you'll notice, the bagels come on time every day. There is always cream cheese. The box and vending machines are overflowing with product." The situation is indeed much better than that of last year, when Hillel did not actually have a Student Council President.

"Lastly, I want to thank everyone who made it possible. Joyce, Nicole, Lilly, Isaac, Edward, Lee, Ricky, Leon, Al -- the list could go on. But for now, I bid you farewell." The president was shortly lifted off by a Lebanese Air Force helicopter.

President Ovadia Harary shuttled away by air



Friday, May 11, 2012

Political Differences Cause Failed Senior Pranks

DEAL, NJ -- This week saw the execution of not one, but TWO Hillel Senior pranks. Both were major failures. President Harary is, in both cases, blamed for not diverting enough funding to each prank. Interior officials attribute the lack of funding to "a 50/50 political split" in the House of Rabbisentitives. The House of Rabbisentitives is Hillel's student-run congress, which votes on all taxes and pranks.

"We had funding for a great prank" said speaker of the House for the Ovadia Administration, "but the congress couldn't agree. It was an even split between both parties." The two parties, the conservative Rabbipublicans and the liberal Democrabbis, hotly debated the prank for weeks before a settlement was reached.

The Rabbipublicans wanted a traditional prank. Their plan proposed wiring up noisemaking devices to the loudspeaker, and flooding the school with sirens at a specific time. "We needed money to hire technicians to hack the loudspeaker. It's a classic prank, and always a winner," said Rabbipublican majority leader Nathan Betesh.

The Democrabbis wanted a departure from the traditional. They proposed the "Art Heist Plan." "We want to steal every piece of artwork -- every poster in the school -- and make a giant papier-mâché tower on the roof. We needed supplies." said Deomcrabbi leader Jared Gopin. "Ovadia refused to give us full funding, and we needed to buy a lot of glue."


A solution was eventually reached: PresiVadia would divide the funding equally in half, and allow both groups to initiate their plans.

Betesh continued, "so we scaled down he prank a bit. Instead of rigging the clocks to the loudspeaker, we just put them in every classroom. It didn't work very well, because the Administration found out. Besides, even when the clocks went off, half of the classes didn't know it was a prank, and the other half didn't care." Rumor has it that many of the alarm clocks were donated by the Charles family.

Gopin said in a statement, "we also had to scale our prank down. We didn't have enough money to steal all the art, so we decided to steal the plaque from the Art History class instead. We had it for about 20 minutes, and a squirrel ran off with it. We were going to return it." The Democrabbinic Party has taken fire for stealing and losing the plaque. "It not our fault."

Rumor has it that the Freshmen tried to start a "freshman prank" by stealing their bagels for a week. "But we shouldn't worry about it" said Ovadia, "nobody else really eats Cinnamon Raisin."

Monday, May 7, 2012

AP Chemistry Excels In Studies

WEST DEAL, NJ -- Today was the beginning of AP week. This morning saw the AP Chemistry test, the forefront of Hillel's science curriculum. Afterwards was the AP Psychology, following the AP tradition of "one science test a day." The Psychology class was well prepared, but the class of focus will be AP Chem. "We weren't expecting to do well" said senior Mitch Parker, "especially since we didn't learn molarity."

But that was not the case. As soon as the exam finished, the answer sheets were rushed by truck to the AP Chemistry grading center in Far Rockaway, NY. These papers were the first to be graded. The test consists of a Multiple Choice section -- scantron graded, and 6 free response questions, graded by hand. The free response topics included [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY] and [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY], as well as [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY].

"We fed the answers into the machine," said College Board spokeswoman Sarah Casanova, "and it practically exploded! Twelve perfect scores in a row, from one school, its unheard of!" Casanova dispatched agents to Hillel to give the Chem students stickers that read "5" and pencils that read "Star Student of the Week." Graders were baffled with how well this one class did. "The machine graded one superb test by a student named 'rrrAl,' and a siren went off. Next thing we know, there was confetti everywhere, and the machine awarded him a Nobel Prize!"

"Our secret," said chem student Jrck Alboucai, "is how prepared we were for the test. We had two periods every single day, except Friday and Wednesday. We stayed until 7:30 twice a week. We even hired a second chemistry teacher to make sure we were good to go. We were so ready, she didn't even bother giving us packets." A problem occurred with Alboucai's score, and the Office of Testing Integrity is still debating whether he got a 6 or 7.

"Our AP class is the best," says student Ovadia Harary, "we have everything. We have Sunday reviews in the library. We have our own Theme Song. Heck, we even have our own private train." This train has been coming since September. It arrived at 9:28AM today, and then, after 8 months, the train left. Teachers were asked how often a student like Al had to study to win his Nobel Prize. The general consensus was that "he does it everyday."

The one student who did not do well on the test was Steven F. Jemal. Also known as "Airhead Steve," "Jamal Stevens," "That Jamal Kid," or simply "Steven F.," he switched out of AP chem after the first week. He requested to have his scores cancelled, and did not take the test. He reportedly makes a living taking SATs for people. The Office of Testing Integrity "suspected him of taking the AP Chemistry Exam for other classmates" so they forced him out of the class.

The students are now enrolled in a more advanced course, Post-Advanced Placement Chemistry, known a PAP Chem. The students of PAP Chem are learning all of the rigors of second year college course. The subjects include Ice Cream, Titrations, and a 10 page research paper on the Octomom.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

YMD Seminar: Freshmen To Go Pantless

PISCATAWAY, NJ -- With YMD SemiNar around the corner, Hillelians all over the globe are psyched for the annual big shabbaton of the spring. Reports say that Jeff Epstein, Morris Hanono, Yvette Halawani and others have been working round the clock to deliver "a kick-abboh weekend." The event will be held at the Radisson in Piscataway NJ, the Official Home of Asher Marks. The event was originally planned for the Ramada, but Hillel is officially banned after David Abraham's lawsuit a few years back.

"Its like a second Hillel SemiNar. Kinda like Spring SemiNar, if you will," said junior Joe Epstein, "and I will". YMD SemiNar is known for being a weekend of fun, singing and ruckussing. YMD SemiNar is known for getting 5 more people than last year's SBH SemiNar. YMD SemiNar is known for its inspirational speakers, divre torah (what?) and themes. But most importantly, YMD SemiNar is known for giving everybody an awesome pair of sweatpants at the end.

"But this year," said a YMD coordinator, "we're making YMD Sweatpants mandatory dress code for everybody."

YMD's policy dictates that the sweatpants cannot be given out until Sunday morning. "To evade the obvious issue," said the coordinator, "we are permitting students to wear sweatpants from past SemiNars." All attendees will be required to wear sweatpants from last year's YMD SemiNar. "On Sunday, they will have the option of switching to our new sweatpants, or keeping on their old ones."

Senior Jared "Tzvi" Gopin points out a major flaw: "what about the freshmen, who don't have old sweatpants?" YMD replied, with the following protocol updates.
Dear YMD attendees, we hope you are all ready for what is sure to be a kick-abboh weekend. Some of you have brought to our attention a minor problem with our new dress code. The law in question is the requirement of wearing YMD sweatpants at all time. Many have questioned how this will apply to freshmen. The answer is simple. Although it violates many Hillel rules, the freshmen will be permitted to go pantless on the semiNar. They may hide their legs under the tablecloth during meals. For Shaharit, they may wear their talets around their waists like a skirt. (Any attendee WITHOUT a talet will receive a refund, and be escorted to NCSY Regional immediately). Underwear is mandatory at all times. We look forward to seeing you! --The YMD team
In summary, the freshmen shall not be required to wear pants on the SemiNar. YMD Staff has already assured the Update that they will "keep the thermostat in the upper ranges."

Finally, YMD has communicated that they will keep "emergency pants" within 30 seconds' running distance of all freshmen in case Burnout Bill decides to show up. "You know Burnout Bill. He shows up on SemiNars and takes out his 'special feeling hand.'" YMD cannot reveal any of their comedy or speakers, but assure us that "it's bound to be a touching SemiNar."

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Local Blog Celebrates 6 Months

DEAL, NJ -- On November 2nd, 2011, a Hillel junior named Lee Matalon decided to launch a newspaper. The topic of the publication would be no-nonsense reporting of news of his school, Hillel Yeshiva. Word soon got out that Hillel was launching the Herald, a successor to the one-issue HL News. He decided that the best way to direct this publication was in a satirical direction, and to the internet.

"Paper is expensive" said Matalon, "and that's why its online. Also, if I created it in paper format, it might spread too quickly and be its own downfall. So I decided to let it slowly build up its own popularity." At exactly 6:13 PM (unplanned!), the first article was posted. It was about bagels. "I reread that article every now and then. Its short, and way below my current standards."

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS
"I entered the year with a DroidX, which I had since Hanukkah. Lies. I lost my DroidX in Israel, and got a new one. Like other past online ventures, I got extremely excited with all of these new ideas. That night, while lying in bed, I posted a second article on my phone. The next day, during lunch, I posted the third. It was utter crap. I realized that I shouldn't rush these things, or it'll just blow up in my face."

That particular article was pretty much a Y13 inside joke about Torah that only Jesse Rothstein (partially) got. "Shtut was not really a funny concept after all."

Publicity also became an issue. "Flyers don't really work in school. Not even the SBH flyers accomplish what they mean to. Speaking of mean, MEAN?!" The editor decided to promote the blog solely on his own facebook and twitter. "I left it up to viewers. If they decided to like or retweet, it reflects positively on the blog, and gets the word out."

BECOMING THE DAHAK
"People slowly started noticing. They would come up to me and say, 'that thing is cute' and walk away. I knew what they were talking about." Although the blog was mostly written my Matalon himself, some writers, including the anonymous duo Inc and MYNO contributed articles early on, which helped jumpstart the blog.

"Part of the trick is to tap public in-jokes. For example, I put Shlomo jokes for the Memphis people. There are some older SemiNar references for those who might remember. And there seems to be another AP Chem joke every single day."

"It went from receiving accolades from people who liked it, to receiving death threats from people who wanted to be in it" (laughs). Everyone began wanting their names mentioned in the blog. Common blog-celebrities include President Ovadia Harary, Rabbi Dr. Nathan Betesh, Leo Hanunu, Al "rrrAL" Sultan and Saka Charles. "I remember one day Saka came up to me and said, 'Lee, your latest tweet was funny.' I know he meant the blog, but I didn't care,

WELCOMING THE DIGITAL AGE
With the advent of 2012, the Update staff decided it was time to bring the blog into the future. "Its ironic, because it's already online." In early January, a web-based mobile App was released for the smartphone market. "Its a big gimmick. They only read the blog from their computers anyway."



At the same time, the new logo was debuted. "I wanted something that resembled the Hillel logo, while also satirizing it. The layout was Leon's idea." Leon Ebani, a top executive from Cafe Box, suggested it contain bagels and a laptop to represent the union of Hillel and the Internet, and suggested the slogan "All the news that's fit to bash."

"I liked that idea." The final logo ended up with a Torah scroll on top of the words "Hillel Update;" below these words are two bagels with a tub of cream cheese. This is surrounded by the slogan. Next to the words are a Star of David, and an @-sign, to symbolize the internet. "Ovadia told me that I did it all wrong; 'the bagels should be on top of the Torah, in order of kedushah.'"

SLOUCHING TOWARDS DEAL
Avid readers may remember about a month or so when no articles appeared. In late December, the blog slowed down a bit. "My life was consumed by the blog. But I needed to focus more time on my schoolwork. Finals week was coming." On January 5th, the blog was put on hiatus.

"Midterms went rather smoothly, and I was ready to write 5 minutes after the Math test. But lo and behold, I found myself in the Dominican Republic, 24 hours later." Vacation added a further 10 days to the hiatus. "I was running in a marathon. My feet hurt. Naturally I couldn't type.

On January 30th, the post-vacation article was posted. The cogs were oiled up and the blog began putting out the best quality work, again. "I like hiatuses. It makes for a good return article. It builds anticipation, and it forces me to work doubly hard to bring it back with a bang." The post-vacation, post-Senior Trip and post-Passover articles have been lauded as some of the best ones.

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND
"I didn't think we'd last 6 months. The blog is an unconventional existence, and will probably fade away after my graduation. I can easily find a replacement, but I don't know if I can find one with such devotion to the Update. Its a one of a kind thing."

"But we still have a year to go." For now, the blog will continue pumping out top quality work. "Its a long road, and, fortunately, we're not even halfway there." The blog has received loud praise from students, and silent accolade from teachers, administration, and even parents in the community. "I feel I've established a permanent reputation in the history of this school," finished Matalon.

"One day, I hope the class of 2025 might find an old book called 'The Legends of Hillel,' and read in wonder: Greg the Goalie. The Fate of the Jewish People is In Your Hands. Hillel Update."