AP Chemistry Excels In Studies

WEST DEAL, NJ -- Today was the beginning of AP week. This morning saw the AP Chemistry test, the forefront of Hillel's science curriculum. Afterwards was the AP Psychology, following the AP tradition of "one science test a day." The Psychology class was well prepared, but the class of focus will be AP Chem. "We weren't expecting to do well" said senior Mitch Parker, "especially since we didn't learn molarity."

But that was not the case. As soon as the exam finished, the answer sheets were rushed by truck to the AP Chemistry grading center in Far Rockaway, NY. These papers were the first to be graded. The test consists of a Multiple Choice section -- scantron graded, and 6 free response questions, graded by hand. The free response topics included [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY] and [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY], as well as [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY].

"We fed the answers into the machine," said College Board spokeswoman Sarah Casanova, "and it practically exploded! Twelve perfect scores in a row, from one school, its unheard of!" Casanova dispatched agents to Hillel to give the Chem students stickers that read "5" and pencils that read "Star Student of the Week." Graders were baffled with how well this one class did. "The machine graded one superb test by a student named 'rrrAl,' and a siren went off. Next thing we know, there was confetti everywhere, and the machine awarded him a Nobel Prize!"

"Our secret," said chem student Jrck Alboucai, "is how prepared we were for the test. We had two periods every single day, except Friday and Wednesday. We stayed until 7:30 twice a week. We even hired a second chemistry teacher to make sure we were good to go. We were so ready, she didn't even bother giving us packets." A problem occurred with Alboucai's score, and the Office of Testing Integrity is still debating whether he got a 6 or 7.

"Our AP class is the best," says student Ovadia Harary, "we have everything. We have Sunday reviews in the library. We have our own Theme Song. Heck, we even have our own private train." This train has been coming since September. It arrived at 9:28AM today, and then, after 8 months, the train left. Teachers were asked how often a student like Al had to study to win his Nobel Prize. The general consensus was that "he does it everyday."

The one student who did not do well on the test was Steven F. Jemal. Also known as "Airhead Steve," "Jamal Stevens," "That Jamal Kid," or simply "Steven F.," he switched out of AP chem after the first week. He requested to have his scores cancelled, and did not take the test. He reportedly makes a living taking SATs for people. The Office of Testing Integrity "suspected him of taking the AP Chemistry Exam for other classmates" so they forced him out of the class.

The students are now enrolled in a more advanced course, Post-Advanced Placement Chemistry, known a PAP Chem. The students of PAP Chem are learning all of the rigors of second year college course. The subjects include Ice Cream, Titrations, and a 10 page research paper on the Octomom.