New Ice Age Dawns On Hillel

NORTH POLE, NJ -- Ya cold? Most likely, thanks to what students call a New Ice Age in Hillel.

A freshman.

Most students and faculty blame the air conditioning. The eagle-eyed Hillelian will notice a little box hanging from the ceiling in each classroom, designed to keep the school at a moderate temperature. Students in Y13 wore everything from short sleeves to a double hoodie, but everybody reported to be freezing. One Junior commented, "It's a little nippy in here." Students were discouraged from sticking their tongues to metal not because of the temperature, but because its a fast day.

But life in Hillel continued in spite of the chill. Everyone does their part to keep life going. Mock Trial has been disbanded and a new "Caribou Hunting" club founded in its place. Memphis has been relocated to Vancouver. The Student Council shut down Friday Sundaes and opened a Soup Kitchen. Gym unveiled a new game called "Cold Play."

Wonder of wonders, a single Ivrit class is hot. Located in the corner of the second floor, students walked in and immediately warmed up. The sun shone through the windows and everybody removed their hoodies. The students began pressing their bodies against said windows and absorbing the sunlight. "Its like I went from the South Pole to Ecuador" said Derb the Great.

AP Physicians are stumped as to what would cause this Ice Age. The class wanted to consult the hot weather experts of the school: Syrians. Unfortunately there were no Syrians around because apparently everyone is Egyptian today. But not everyone is interested in solving the problems. Some teachers just ignore complaints. In one class, a student yelled "I'M FREEZING!" to which the teacher responded "No I We Me None Of That."