SPORTS: Saka Charles To Retire From Temple Run

DEAL, NJ -- Notable Sephardic Cantor and Hillel graduate Saka Charles announced on Instagram late this evening that he'd be "officially retiring from temple run." Mr. Charles' sudden withdrawal from the major leagues came as a surprise to many, especially after setting a recent world record: 20,120,072 points.

Saka began competing in early 2011. His career began not in Temple Run, but in Flick Home Run, which he thought was actually called "Smack Home Run Derby." His early days were spent begging Morris "Not A" Cohen for a turn on the latter's iPhone. Although his Navi teacher tried convincing him to play Angry Birds, Saka had found his calling. Mr. Charles was then using a flip phone manufactured by his company, CHARLESAR. He soon moved up to the big leagues and got an iPhone, and his career took off.

"We're sad to see Mr. Charles retire" said President Leon Ebani, "he was a vibrant part of Hillel's athletic culture. He was to sports as Al was to Chemistry. Temple Run was his big thing. He thought he was on the Heat, but nobody had the heart to tell him he didn't make the cut. But he's on to bigger and better things."

Mr. Charles and Mr. Ebani

"He tells us he's ready for a more serious career" said Saka's PR agent, "he's had his fun in the big leagues but now he wants to settle down. He wants to pursue a career as a professional Hazzan." Mr. Charles was recently hired to perform a solo Selihot concert at Hillel. At the thought of singing with Saka, four world class Hazzanim showed up on the spot and joined the show.

Saka Charles currently attends Yeshiva University. He rejected a full scholarship from Hillel University, noting that he "wants a legitimate Jewish experience." He recently cracked into the alarm clock business, supplying free samples directly to the HYHS ceilings. He is known for having a different edition of the Rambam than the rest of the class.

"Saka has his own shul now," continued Ebani, "he's going legit." Mr. Charles reportedly is the holiday Hazzan in a house-synagogue. "His retirement from the major leagues is surprising, but his career has just started." A press conference is slated for tomorrow at the CHARLESAR Headquarters in Las Vegas. In attendance will be the current and previous Student Councils, many celebrities, reporters from the Update and reporters from the Ma Nishma. The Hillel Herald will not be present as Pat Monahan's agent has obtained a restraining order.

"Saka was olweez a pleasure to have around, and a great Temple Run player. He will surely be missed in the major leagues" said former President Ovadia Harary, as he boarded the 8:37PM flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas.