HILLEL ARMY LIBERATES CAMPS, BROOKLYN RETREATS

DEAL, NJ -- 'The Oyz-bayz are fighting back! Its the beginning of the end!" shouted an ecstatic mother as she clutched the hand of her Pre-K Hillelian.

Early this week, the Hillel Army pushed forward and liberated the camps. What they found was frightening. A Hillel Soldier who rushed Ultimate Sports Camp, one Leo Hanono, gave the following description: "children were running everywhere with no supervision. The food was not fit for humans. From every corner of the camp, you could hear the commander yelling: "TAWIL! SUTTON! I TOLD YOU GUYS TO STAY WITH YOUR KIDS! NO, DON'T GIVE ME THAT FOURSQUARE NONSENSE. ONE MORE AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! TAWIL, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU GONNA ROLL YOUR EYES? YOU'RE FIRED. NO, I DON'T CARE. TAKE YOUR BAG AND GET OUT. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT."

Ultimate Sports Camp was built on the Campus of Hillel University, on the grounds of Hillel Yeshiva. In the building, liberation armies met with the local resistance: an underground group known in code as the "Hadjed Counselors." There, the unified force proceeded to liberate the remainder of the camps.

The 183rd "Goon Crew" regiment was the first to set foot on Camp David soil. They began the assault after receiving tips from an inside man -- and a bunch of parents. The Hillel Army was assisted by rebel armies. Both the Blue Team and the iPads fought side by side to help free the camp.

The army considered liberating Camp Ora, but decided not to, and focus their resources to more desperate areas, and besides, camp ora sucks lol.

Labor Day 2012 became known as Victory in Jersey Day, or V-J Day. Brooklyn forces retreated en-masse to their home state of New York. Tanks from the 19th Long Branch Armored rolled down Norwood, cheered on by Jersey residents, both Jew and non-Jew alike. Generals of both sides met to discuss terms of surrender. The treaty was signed on September 3rd, 2012 at 5:24PM, on the Outerbridge Crossing.

President Ebani announced the closure of the war to the press, completing his promise of "victory by Labor Day" with a margin of zero.

Now begin the War Trials. A War Crimes Court has been established. It is presided over by delegates from West Deal, Eatontown, Hathaway, Deal, Park Avenue, Cedar Avenue, West Long Branch and Temple Beth-El shuls. Camp Allsport is first on trial for war crimes. Victims of the camp claim that "it doesn't really offer ALL sports. Its kinda more like Camp SOMEsport."