NFL Opening; Hillelians Mourn

DEAL, NJ -- Its a warm September Sunday as students of Hillel prepared for what would have been definitely the biggest sports event since Memphis. Today is the opening day of the National Foosball League, or NFL for short. But alas, there is no Foosball in Hillel. The table is broken.

Foosball was invented one September in the 1800s as an act of fate. Andrew S. Foos and Nathaniel Ralph Boll were merchants across the street from one another in Boston. Mr. Foos sold Billiard tables, and Mr. Boll sold Soccer nets. One day, while rushing home for Shabbat, the men crashed into eachother. "Hey," said Foos, "you got your Soccer in MY Billiards!" Boll replied, "You got your Billiards in MY Soccer!" The following Sunday, the men put their heads together, and the "Foos-Boll Entertainment Table" was born.

Foosball was the second most popular sport in Hillel, trumped only by swimming. Tied for third place were the JV Heat and Girls' Soccer teams.

Hillel has owned a single dilapidated Foosball table for years now. In its most glorious years, it was dominated by big-city boss Uriya Teharani. The soda-selling corporate giant made the table his personal playground, tearing through any opponent -- student and teacher alike. But it got to be too much. Opponents would lift the table on an angle, in an attempt to score against Teharani. Lost balls would be hushowed from the neighboring ping-pong stadium. The wood of the table's legs began to split. The handles came loose. The table fell apart.

In early 2011, the Student Council cut funding to both the Foosball and Ping-Pong franchises. Hillel sports fell into ruin. Ovadia Harary was unavailable for comment, as he was busy being a resident of Georgia. But the new Student Council had something else in mind. A representative comments, "Table sports need a comeback. We've brought back funding to the Table-Tennis franchise. You heard it, ping-pong is back." The council announced a new net for the table, and possibly a ball-and-paddle rental service.

A StuCo member fixing the Ping Pong table with 3/8in ratchet  and a 10mm socket

But before school even started, an 11th grade petition demanded the return of Foosball as well. Juniors threatened to occupy the Shalom Lounge until a change is made, but lol nobody cares about those anymore.

"We can't support a sport being dominated by corporate bosses" commented VP Tawil in an official statement, "private soda corporations take business from the Box, and we need to raise money for Israel." Junior Jason Gindi shouted, "hey, you're not even a senior!" Treasurer Alboucai retorted "nah, he's older than me." When Gindi questioned what that had to do with anything, Secretary Matalon responded "Ricky, Ricky." Governor Sultan was unavailable to comment as he was busy being Al.

So in 2012, Hillelians continue to mourn the death of Foosball as a sport. The table may never be fixed, but the game continues in our hearts.