Juniors To File Class Action Lawsuit Against Student Council

DEAL, NJ - The Hillel Juniors are fed up with the prices of the Student Council Box. The prices are engineered to pay for the expenses of the goods as well as fund the Senior Israel Trip.

The lawyers of the Juniors are arguing that the prices violate the Halakhot of Ona'ah. "If the prices are raised a Shtut -- 1/6th of the fair market value -- the sale is illegal and the Juniors are entitled a limited period to return the products.

Tarfon and Associates LP, representing StuCo, argues otherwise. "The law is not one of Shtut, but one of Shlish -- 1/3." Tarfon also notes that in the law that dictates Shlish, the return clause allows all day returns -- something never realized.

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Dialect Issues Cause Bagel Shortage

DEAL, NJ - A recent shortage of Bagels -- the staple crop of Hillel's economy -- has caused a panic among the student body. On further investigation, it appeared that the Egg ET-to-Cinnamon Raisin ratio was way off the charts. This left a lack of Egg ET and a surplus of Cinnamon Raisin, which, in the words of one student, "are nish."

The Bagel Commission has looked into the situation. "What we found," commented an anonymous source, "was that a difference in dialect caused the responsible person not to order Bagels, but to order Beggles." It is clear why the order did not go through -- there is no such thing as Beggles.

"I was working on it all day" said Student Council President Ovadia Harary.

All dialectic issues have been resolved, and the Bagels have been returned.