SPORTS: Saka Charles To Retire From Temple Run

DEAL, NJ -- Notable Sephardic Cantor and Hillel graduate Saka Charles announced on Instagram late this evening that he'd be "officially retiring from temple run." Mr. Charles' sudden withdrawal from the major leagues came as a surprise to many, especially after setting a recent world record: 20,120,072 points.

Saka began competing in early 2011. His career began not in Temple Run, but in Flick Home Run, which he thought was actually called "Smack Home Run Derby." His early days were spent begging Morris "Not A" Cohen for a turn on the latter's iPhone. Although his Navi teacher tried convincing him to play Angry Birds, Saka had found his calling. Mr. Charles was then using a flip phone manufactured by his company, CHARLESAR. He soon moved up to the big leagues and got an iPhone, and his career took off.

"We're sad to see Mr. Charles retire" said President Leon Ebani, "he was a vibrant part of Hillel's athletic culture. He was to sports as Al was to Chemistry. Temple Run was his big thing. He thought he was on the Heat, but nobody had the heart to tell him he didn't make the cut. But he's on to bigger and better things."

Mr. Charles and Mr. Ebani

"He tells us he's ready for a more serious career" said Saka's PR agent, "he's had his fun in the big leagues but now he wants to settle down. He wants to pursue a career as a professional Hazzan." Mr. Charles was recently hired to perform a solo Selihot concert at Hillel. At the thought of singing with Saka, four world class Hazzanim showed up on the spot and joined the show.

Saka Charles currently attends Yeshiva University. He rejected a full scholarship from Hillel University, noting that he "wants a legitimate Jewish experience." He recently cracked into the alarm clock business, supplying free samples directly to the HYHS ceilings. He is known for having a different edition of the Rambam than the rest of the class.

"Saka has his own shul now," continued Ebani, "he's going legit." Mr. Charles reportedly is the holiday Hazzan in a house-synagogue. "His retirement from the major leagues is surprising, but his career has just started." A press conference is slated for tomorrow at the CHARLESAR Headquarters in Las Vegas. In attendance will be the current and previous Student Councils, many celebrities, reporters from the Update and reporters from the Ma Nishma. The Hillel Herald will not be present as Pat Monahan's agent has obtained a restraining order.

"Saka was olweez a pleasure to have around, and a great Temple Run player. He will surely be missed in the major leagues" said former President Ovadia Harary, as he boarded the 8:37PM flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas.

BREAKING NEWS: HILLEL HERALD MAKES DUMB JOKE

DEAL, NJ -- As the Global Jewish Community prepares for the most serious and straightforward day of their year, the Hillel Herald had other plans.

A local posek, Rabbi Hillel Updatowitz, commented on the general custom. "Yom Kippur is a downright serious day. We bow before Hashem. We pray directly at the open ark. We blow a Shofar and cry. It's a day of affliction to the soul -- no eating or drinking. No handwashing. No leather shoes. No smearing creams, and no [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]. Thus, we must prepare our souls in a most serious way."

But the Hillel Herald isn't prepared.

Instead, it prefers to make jokes. Specifically, references to Train's "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" -- a song with the line, "How could you leave on Yom Kippur." Inappropriate? Rabbi Updatowitz said its "downright a  chutzpah."

At 9:39AM, Update editor-in-chief Lee Matalon tweeted as @leematalon:

"If I hear ONE Train joke this holiday..." 

Shortly thereafter, at 10:22AM, the Hillel Herald's tweeted (no link -- don't bother following them):

"If my girlfriend leaves tomorrow I'm gonna be soooo [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]! #50Ways"

"Yeah, my 'warning' was sarcastic" said Matalon, "and yeah, the joke is obvious," he continued, "but I tweeted it first. But everyone knows that, so it doesn't bother me. The fact is, however, that I played the irony card. I made fun of how obvious the joke is, and how overused it will be. They just posted the joke itself. So which is clever and which is dumb? Up to you."

VP Ricky Tawil, a well known Train fan, sent a heartwarming message to Train on twitter (@rickytawil):

"@train I hope none of your wives and girlfriends leave you on Yom Kippur tomorrow!"

After seeing the Herald's previous tweet, he realized his holiday wishes might be conveyed as a dumb joke and clarified, "Great, now it looks like I stole the Hillel Herald's Train joke." He further clarified, "I was inspired by a Lee Matalon tweet."

Critics are raising all sorts of questions. "Should the official Hillel newspaper be dating? It is an Orthodox school." Some people wondered why a newsletter even HAS a girlfriend -- after all, it is a piece of paper. But critics agree: IT WAS A DUMB JOKE.

Rabbi Updatowitz has agreed not to put the Herald in cherem if they agree to stop with the dumb jokes. They were also instructed to stop with the dumb noises. Update editor Lee Matalon has decided not to get angry about the dumb joke. "Whatever," said Matalon, "I'll take the high road like I should."

New Ice Age Dawns On Hillel

NORTH POLE, NJ -- Ya cold? Most likely, thanks to what students call a New Ice Age in Hillel.

A freshman.

Most students and faculty blame the air conditioning. The eagle-eyed Hillelian will notice a little box hanging from the ceiling in each classroom, designed to keep the school at a moderate temperature. Students in Y13 wore everything from short sleeves to a double hoodie, but everybody reported to be freezing. One Junior commented, "It's a little nippy in here." Students were discouraged from sticking their tongues to metal not because of the temperature, but because its a fast day.

But life in Hillel continued in spite of the chill. Everyone does their part to keep life going. Mock Trial has been disbanded and a new "Caribou Hunting" club founded in its place. Memphis has been relocated to Vancouver. The Student Council shut down Friday Sundaes and opened a Soup Kitchen. Gym unveiled a new game called "Cold Play."

Wonder of wonders, a single Ivrit class is hot. Located in the corner of the second floor, students walked in and immediately warmed up. The sun shone through the windows and everybody removed their hoodies. The students began pressing their bodies against said windows and absorbing the sunlight. "Its like I went from the South Pole to Ecuador" said Derb the Great.

AP Physicians are stumped as to what would cause this Ice Age. The class wanted to consult the hot weather experts of the school: Syrians. Unfortunately there were no Syrians around because apparently everyone is Egyptian today. But not everyone is interested in solving the problems. Some teachers just ignore complaints. In one class, a student yelled "I'M FREEZING!" to which the teacher responded "No I We Me None Of That."

NFL Opening; Hillelians Mourn

DEAL, NJ -- Its a warm September Sunday as students of Hillel prepared for what would have been definitely the biggest sports event since Memphis. Today is the opening day of the National Foosball League, or NFL for short. But alas, there is no Foosball in Hillel. The table is broken.

Foosball was invented one September in the 1800s as an act of fate. Andrew S. Foos and Nathaniel Ralph Boll were merchants across the street from one another in Boston. Mr. Foos sold Billiard tables, and Mr. Boll sold Soccer nets. One day, while rushing home for Shabbat, the men crashed into eachother. "Hey," said Foos, "you got your Soccer in MY Billiards!" Boll replied, "You got your Billiards in MY Soccer!" The following Sunday, the men put their heads together, and the "Foos-Boll Entertainment Table" was born.

Foosball was the second most popular sport in Hillel, trumped only by swimming. Tied for third place were the JV Heat and Girls' Soccer teams.

Hillel has owned a single dilapidated Foosball table for years now. In its most glorious years, it was dominated by big-city boss Uriya Teharani. The soda-selling corporate giant made the table his personal playground, tearing through any opponent -- student and teacher alike. But it got to be too much. Opponents would lift the table on an angle, in an attempt to score against Teharani. Lost balls would be hushowed from the neighboring ping-pong stadium. The wood of the table's legs began to split. The handles came loose. The table fell apart.

In early 2011, the Student Council cut funding to both the Foosball and Ping-Pong franchises. Hillel sports fell into ruin. Ovadia Harary was unavailable for comment, as he was busy being a resident of Georgia. But the new Student Council had something else in mind. A representative comments, "Table sports need a comeback. We've brought back funding to the Table-Tennis franchise. You heard it, ping-pong is back." The council announced a new net for the table, and possibly a ball-and-paddle rental service.

A StuCo member fixing the Ping Pong table with 3/8in ratchet  and a 10mm socket

But before school even started, an 11th grade petition demanded the return of Foosball as well. Juniors threatened to occupy the Shalom Lounge until a change is made, but lol nobody cares about those anymore.

"We can't support a sport being dominated by corporate bosses" commented VP Tawil in an official statement, "private soda corporations take business from the Box, and we need to raise money for Israel." Junior Jason Gindi shouted, "hey, you're not even a senior!" Treasurer Alboucai retorted "nah, he's older than me." When Gindi questioned what that had to do with anything, Secretary Matalon responded "Ricky, Ricky." Governor Sultan was unavailable to comment as he was busy being Al.

So in 2012, Hillelians continue to mourn the death of Foosball as a sport. The table may never be fixed, but the game continues in our hearts.

First Day Sees Spike in Toreh uMiswot

DEAL, NJ -- The first day of school has passed. Hillel students have returned to their studies. (Ilan students have returned to whatever they do during the day). One student, Eric Vaknin, 12th grade, commented, "rrrAL!" Jacob Sitton, 11th grade, added, "stappity stapp stapp kay?" Sunblock sales are down, but Cream Cheese sales are up. The hallways quiet down.

The international organization Rabbis Without Borders (fr.: Rabbins Sans Frontières) -- a body which monitors global Judaic Studies -- released its annual summer statistic on Toreh uMiswot (heb.: תורה ומצוות, ar.: وصايا التوراة). This graph is released every summer for Yeshibot to improve their Talemud Toreh (en.: The Teaching of Torah). The released statistic spans late June through early September, charting the total Toreh uMiswot of each week.

The released graph spans 0-110 and is called the Alfieh Scale, named after Rabbis Without Borders founder Yair Alfieh. The 7 weeks preceding September average an A:10.2 on the Alfieh Scale. On September 5th, the data registered at A:98. The instant spike in Toreh uMiswot baffled statisticians everywhere. Theorists explained that the jump is due to the first day of school at Hillel Yeshiva HS, a school known for its legendary Talemud Toreh and 'Assiyat Miswot (en.: the doing of Miswot).

But the is not what shocked the statisticians most.

September 5th registered an A:98 on the Alfieh Scale.

"If Hillel students are so amazing with Toreh uMiswot," said Israeli analyst Yaron Feldbaum, "how come the data was so low during the weeks of the summer?" Nobody could answer the question. Nobody except Bill James.

Bill James, baseball writer and Sabremetrics professor, looked at the statistic for three minutes and synthesized a hypothesis. "It appears," according to Mr. James, that Toreh uMiswot "are not a CAUSE of, but an EFFECT of, On Base Percentage," When the Rabbis questioned his logic, he admitted he was just holding a 1993 Orioles stat card upside down. "I don't know," responded James, "go ask Malcolm Gladwell."

Mr. Gladwell was very excited to be interviewed by the Hillel Update, and finally "have [his] work printed in something legitimate." Before the Update reporter could present the data, Gladwell jumped into his own theories, including how Ruckuses tip, and his "personal favorite, the Six Degrees of Bagels." When presented with the above graph, Gladwell admitted that he "doesn't exactly" know how to read.

Writer Rory Stewart was out to lunch. All out of 11th grade summer reading jokes, the reporters, rabbis, statisticians and analysts headed over to the Rutgers dorm of their last hope. The knocked, and knocked, and knocked, and eventually kicked in the door, to find the occupant playing Pokemon on his Gameboy Color. Mr. Sultan looked up and greeted them. 

Al Sultan greets the reporters, rabbis, statisticians and analysts.

Al calmly explained the phenomenon to the group. "The spike is quite common" said the Rutgers student and  Nobel laureate. "Hillel students drive themselves to the edge learning Toreh and doing Miswot, but during the summer, they do not attend school and thus, unfortunately, not much of either accumulates." The simple explanation made sense, yet a solution was still needed.

Al, the reporters, the rabbis, the statisticians, Abdul-Haq and the analysts all traveled to the headquarters of the Global Judaic Committee in Pasadena, California. There, the rabbis of the world spent the night debating solutions. Argument ensued. At one point, the Chief Rabbi of Switzerland claimed that Kibbe was just "a glorified meat knish." The Chief Rabbis of Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Elberon immediately left, disgusted. After hours of heated debate, the delegates existed the room with a written amendment to the Toreh prepared.

"As many of you may know," began the Rabbi General, "Toreh uMiswot declines during the weeks of the summer. The problem is not lack of education, but a break in education. Which is why we have approved Toreh amendment #2044-c. It goes into effect June 13, 2013." The Rabbi General continued, "in light of the decline of Toreh uMiswot during the summer months, this law shall hereby establish a principle which states that, although it may be a vacation from school, it's not, and never will be, a vacation from Hashem."

Have a great year everyone!

-eds.

HILLEL ARMY LIBERATES CAMPS, BROOKLYN RETREATS

DEAL, NJ -- 'The Oyz-bayz are fighting back! Its the beginning of the end!" shouted an ecstatic mother as she clutched the hand of her Pre-K Hillelian.

Early this week, the Hillel Army pushed forward and liberated the camps. What they found was frightening. A Hillel Soldier who rushed Ultimate Sports Camp, one Leo Hanono, gave the following description: "children were running everywhere with no supervision. The food was not fit for humans. From every corner of the camp, you could hear the commander yelling: "TAWIL! SUTTON! I TOLD YOU GUYS TO STAY WITH YOUR KIDS! NO, DON'T GIVE ME THAT FOURSQUARE NONSENSE. ONE MORE AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! TAWIL, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU GONNA ROLL YOUR EYES? YOU'RE FIRED. NO, I DON'T CARE. TAKE YOUR BAG AND GET OUT. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT."

Ultimate Sports Camp was built on the Campus of Hillel University, on the grounds of Hillel Yeshiva. In the building, liberation armies met with the local resistance: an underground group known in code as the "Hadjed Counselors." There, the unified force proceeded to liberate the remainder of the camps.

The 183rd "Goon Crew" regiment was the first to set foot on Camp David soil. They began the assault after receiving tips from an inside man -- and a bunch of parents. The Hillel Army was assisted by rebel armies. Both the Blue Team and the iPads fought side by side to help free the camp.

The army considered liberating Camp Ora, but decided not to, and focus their resources to more desperate areas, and besides, camp ora sucks lol.

Labor Day 2012 became known as Victory in Jersey Day, or V-J Day. Brooklyn forces retreated en-masse to their home state of New York. Tanks from the 19th Long Branch Armored rolled down Norwood, cheered on by Jersey residents, both Jew and non-Jew alike. Generals of both sides met to discuss terms of surrender. The treaty was signed on September 3rd, 2012 at 5:24PM, on the Outerbridge Crossing.

President Ebani announced the closure of the war to the press, completing his promise of "victory by Labor Day" with a margin of zero.

Now begin the War Trials. A War Crimes Court has been established. It is presided over by delegates from West Deal, Eatontown, Hathaway, Deal, Park Avenue, Cedar Avenue, West Long Branch and Temple Beth-El shuls. Camp Allsport is first on trial for war crimes. Victims of the camp claim that "it doesn't really offer ALL sports. Its kinda more like Camp SOMEsport."