Hillel Students Get Lost, Results Hilarious

DEAL, NJ -- Today was a day of lighter tragedy. By coincidence, two students got lost on separate occasions. The first of whom was Al "rrrAAAAAL!" Sultan, and Saka S. Charles. The chaos has launched entire rescue mission and sent the school into disarray. One student commented that the whole situation was "shpilkes."

During the morning's series of Fire Drills, known as "OPERATION: Frrr," the student body was evacuated twice. While organizing the lines, a teacher noticed that Al Sultan was not outside lined up. It was feared that he was still inside the building. "We're pretty sure he's alright," said one StuCo representative, "but lets look at the facts. If anybody would be caught in a burning school, it would be Al." Al was reportedly wearing a new shirt today.

Later, during lunch, it was reported that Saka Charles, heir to the Hillel throne, was "lost somewhere in Trenton." The twitterverse exploded with tweets, and the hashtag #WheresSaka was trending within minutes. Rumors reached the Update that he was carrying Nathan Betesh's Glatt Bite, but that is unconfirmed. The world stood still for 10 minutes until Mr. Charles finally came in the back door to the Shalom Lounge.

"There's a sign on the way that says 'Shore Points,'" explained Charles, "and everybody says you go the way thats not 'Shore Points.' So I went the not 'Shore Points' way. On the way back, I saw the 'Shore Points' sign, and I thought, you're not supposed to go the 'Shore Points' way, so I went the not 'Shore Points' way. Turns out, on the way back, you're supposed to YES go the 'Shore Points' way. I'm so bad at this."

(This Update reporter knows the sign he was talking about, and it actually only reads 'Shore Point' with no pluralization.)

MEANwhile, Al was still lost. The smartest students in the school were called to brainstorm, but they were unavailable. AP Chem was called instead. The idea put forth by Mrthcrll "Mrtch" Prrkrr was to assemble a search party to find the lost student. Following the example of the National Guard, a group of students began playing soldier and assembled a group willing to go. "This is the second time Al got lost," commented Prrkrr, "and we're doing it right this time."

The search party, in uniform

The assembled search party consisted of the AP English (Language) class. The members put on matching Army uniforms, complete with hoods, and set out on the Hillel campus to find Al. Fresh footprints were found on Charles Field, and three students followed them into the forest. They shortly radioed Hillel Base, or H-Base, that they did not find Al, but instead encountered an old enemy -- the Hillel Killer Goose.

The students wandered the building, randomly shouting "rrrrAL! rAL! RRRRaL!" to get the lost student attention. He was eventually located in the "Kaparot" courtyard outside the Purple Doors, a location rarely visited by students. This small enclosure is used to perform the famed "chicken swing" for the ELC, and is used by the HS during fire drills.

"He was asleep on the bench" commented the student who found him.

HBB Financial Plans Leaves Breakfast In Ruins

DEAL, NJ -- As students fill their backpacks for the first day back after Pessah, little do they know they will not receive breakfast the next day. Bagels -- normally a staple of the Hillel Diet -- will not be available on the Monday after break. This is due to some new financial planning at the Hot Bagel Bakery.

The Update sat down with HBB manager Steve Ronaldson to discuss the issue. "For years, the Bakery only opened one night a year -- the night after Passover" said Ronaldson. "They clean us out. We're usually completely sold out within 20 minutes. The line stretches back 50 feet through the door." One HYHS graduate comments, "total scene. Its majnoon."

The Egg ET bagel. An HBB original creation, this best seller is popular with Hillel Students.

Its well known that the Bakery opens at 4AM to produce the bagels. Why, we asked, will there be a shortage? "The answer," continued Ronaldson, "goes to our friend Keynes." John Maynard Keynes was the father of Keynesian Economics. One of his major ideas was that of Deficit Spending, the spending of money a government doesn't have. This creates a national debt, but also stimulates the economy. "We're following the same idea. We're selling the bagels we don't have."

Mr. Ronaldson, along with his neighbors Mr. Adler, and Mr. Atillio worked together all Passover to build a time machine. This amazing device allowed the three to travel forward in time, take all of following week's bagels, and have them back to the store in time for Pessah Havdalah (many customers were camped out since Minhah).

"In order to handle this 'Bagel Debt' we will be unable to provide any bagels for the next week" said HBB Marketing director Jonathan Heft. "Its not that we can't make them. Its that anything we make gets sent back in time.

Pessah 2012: 5 Seder Controversies

DEAL, NJ -- The Pessah Seders have barely left us, and top researchers have already identified the year's biggest scandals.

1. Hummos = Hametz. One of the top issues in Sepharadi homes. Ashkenazi Jews do not eat chickpeas on Pessah (or any beans/legumes for that matter), but Eastern Custom, which worship this dip, have trickier legislation. Many rabbis rule that Hummos is banned on Pessah, as the word Hummos sounds like the word Hametz.

2. Which one is the Marror? A Seder plate will generally have two bitter herbs: Romaine Lettuce and Endive. No family is ever sure which one is the Marror, and which goes in the Korech sandwich. This legendary problem dates back to Egypt itself, where Moses' wife returned from the market with the wrong shopping cart. There is not, and will never be, an answer.

3. Fruity Pebbles This one is sketch. Come on, people.

4. Ishu Zawatak? The third of the great Arabic questions asks "What are you carrying?" After the leader answers "Matzah uMarror" an older relative generally whispers to the person to his right, "we never had this one." Is this question new? Historians like to believe it was originally just part of the dinner conversation back in Halab. But most evidence points the source to the Maxwell House Edition of the Pessah Haggadah, where the question was answered with "Maxwell uMarror."

5. Leave the door open for Eliyahu. Apparently we're supposed to not only leave a cup of wine out for the spirit of Elijah, but we're supposed to leave the door unlocked for him. Never mind that he can just faze through the door, but he probably can't drink everybody's wine either. Nine out of Ten physicians agree he'd be wasted by the time he finishes with Musket Lane. Instead, the Police advise to keep your door locked in case of robbery.

POEM: Twas The Night Before Pessah

Hillel Update Editor in Chief Lee Matalon has written a lovely poem about Pessah and Hillel. He has chosen to share it with us here on the blog. This poem is not affiliated with the Hillel Update.



Twas The Night Before Pessah
By: Lee Matalon



Twas the night before Pessah, and all through Hillel,
The teachers they cleaned, they could not fail.
And though they do not get paid a lot,
Their contract includes yearly Bedikat.

All ten pieces hidden, wrapped up like a shirt,
So beautifully scattered by Mr. Hubert.
And as the faculty began to look,
In came Ovadia with a coffee cup from Rook

"Dear teachers and Rabbis, and Mr. Li too,
We cannot begin searching, as we should do,
Until we make sure the situation is well,
The hametz in the Box too, we must sell!"

And so came Susan, with cell phone in hand
And dropped the matzo, all crunchy and bland.
She called up the Rabbi, a certain Kassin,
As to make sure that Hillel does not sin.

Answered the Rav, "you must follow the Torah,
You can't just sell to Lupe or Cecilia!
A sale to chadameh is an interesting ploy
But you must be mahmeer when you sell to a Goy."

And then stepped forth a Mr. Puglisi,
"I am not Jewish, I can help, as you see"
So he bought the Hametz as he sat on a bench
And the rabbis exclaimed "this guy is a Mentch!"

Now began the awaited search for the bread,
And the rabbis struggled to get ahead.
Some looked left and right, some low and high,
Some searched the midrash, Ashkie and SY.

Until the first piece was found by Rav E,
Who clutched it and jumped, giddy with glee.
Down the hall to the office, the man did fly,
As he bust in and proudly exclaimed "REEBAY!"

One by one, the teachers found ten
Dropped them at the office and searched again.
In the morning they burned, to rid them of sin,
As nightfall approached, the seder did begin.

Then Rabbi Chait did sing, Kadesh Urchatz,
But after saying Karpas, he skipped Yahatz.
And he didn't break matzo for Misharotam,
As in Hillel, we only follow Rambam.

And next he announced that Maggid was to be,
Dr. Magid looked up and said "What, who, me?"
The story was told with the plate lifted up,
And after they finished, everyone drank a cup.

The matzo was hard, people chewed with pain,
But the "bitter" herb maror was only Romaine.
Rabbi Tawil made a sandwich with a crunchy slab
And called out "This is how it's done in Halab!"

The meal was great, with all of the best food,
But best of all, no children around to act rude.
Except Ovadia, who joined their pessah ball,
Turns out he's not so worthless, after all.

And finally the loudspeaker happened to chime,
As Rabbi Bald announced, "Its Afikoman Time!"
And he proclaimed, as they sang with, no end in sight,
"Happy Pessah to all, and to all a good night!"

Happy Birthday To President Ovadia Harary

DEAL, NJ -- April Fools, the day of pranks. Hillel has seen many pranks, from the well planned (water gun raid -- May 2011) to the unintentional (peeing in a locker -- December 2009). One of the completely serious, non joking, unprankly events of the day, is the birthday of Ovadia Harary, Hillel's Student President. The Update had a "Roast Ovadia" planned, but the administration said they'd "absolutely not lend [us] the auditorium on a Sunday." Instead, we'll simply be posting what everyone was supposed to say.

The following are truthful statements from students, current and former.

Lee Matalon (11th): "Ovadia. I've sat next to him for a few years now in Navi. Yeah, he was actually born on April 1st. Like a prank, it was hilarious. Unlike a prank, it was poorly planned. Ovadia didn't really do much as president. But thats pretty good, seeing as the year before, we didn't even have a president. And, like our friends at the Box say, he's not completely worthless. Thats a lie. He is."


Isaac Sasson (12th): "Dear Ovadia, you are the best to-ac I know. At the moment, you plan on going to Georgia for college. Who knows whats going on in that big head of yours? (laughs.) But I'm sure you'll end up somewhere great and have much authority over others. Lebanon is to being proud."


Leo Hanono (11th): "Who?"


Anonymous Science Teacher (9th): "OVADIA'S 18 NOW. HE'S AN ADULT. HE SHOULD BE A MODEL OF BEHAVIOR FOR THE STUDENT BODY AND THE CLASS. HE olWEEZ DOES THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT EVERY DAY I HAVE TOAL!!!"

Marc Nardea (MU): "Ovadia? Oh, you mean that guy who, for some reason, participates in all of Saka Charles' football tournaments and stands in the endzone, wide open, with nobody around him, but never gets a ball thrown his way? I don't really know much about his presidency, but if I had to bash Ovadia, I'd say that he laughs like a duck. (Cut to clips of Ovadia Laughing)."


David Abraham (12th): "He's got a heart as big as his head. His soothing Lebanese makes us all want to return to the middle east. He had less power than Joey Bouganim; he couldn't even get the bathroom doors unlocked. But still, better than last year's president -- what was his name?" 


At this point, Ricky Tawil would burst in and whisper in my ear that we don't have enough funding to air the show. I'd yell cut, pocket the tape, and the roast would never be seen again.

Hillel Senior Captured by Hamas, Rescued

GAZA STRIP, P.A. -- Hillel 12th Graders were preparing to go on their Senior Trip to the Holy Land. But instead of visiting Hershey Park, they ended up going to Israel. This 8-Day journey was the culmination of their high school experience. Israel, being a perpetual war zone, was guaranteed safe for tourists. This guarantee, however, did not hold.

On their first day, the seniors went for lunch at the food court at the Gaza Strip Mall. Students rushed for the McDonalds, which had no visible certification, but the sign was in Hebrew. (Saka Charles was asked what certification it has, and he replied "OK!"). Just as the third round of fries were ordered, the sirens went off. People rushed left and right to get to bomb shelters. No bombs actually hit, but student Al "Rrral" Sultan was lost in the commotion.

IDF Sergeant Leo Hanono, who was not actually on the trip, immediately concluded that he was taken by Hamas. President Ovadia S. Harary was contacted immediately, but, was unavailable to act. When asked about his middle initial, he said it stood for "essss." Edward Benjamin, StuCo VP, was summoned to settle the  issue.

"We don't know wherrrAl is, but we'll find him." noted Benjamin. Meanwhile, a keen-eyed student spotted a minivan speeding away from the site. This minivan led Hillel Authorities right to the beis medrish of the Chief Reebay of Israel. The students, only having learned NETA, were unable to communicate with him in Hebrew. The Rabbi -- a native of Hong Kong -- was able to speak with Hillelian Jacob Cohen. The clues he gave led the Hillel boys to the next step in their search for Al, the Kotel HaMa'arabi.

Also known as the Wailing Wall, the Kotel HaMa'arabi is the holiest site in all of Judaism. The boys stopped for a quick prayer, led by former Hillelian Ari Abrams. Since his move to Israel, Abrams became a notable Sephardic Cantor, overshadowing a very upset Mr. Charles. While crying in the corner, Saka noticed a very distinct trail of Tahine. Following this trail brought a group of Jewish boys close to their homeland -- Uncle Jacks Good2Go on Route 35.

Uncle Jack (who's actually named Roberto, and has no family) took one look at the Tahine and was able to identify its origin. After tasting it, he blurt out an address: 73 Rechov Mahmoudi, Khan Younnis, 'Aza, Yisrael. After a brief search on Google Maps Beta, a boarded up warehouse was located as the source of the Tahine. The Hillel Boys were off again.

Having arrived at 73 Mahmoudi Street, the boys devised a plan. Alpha Team readied themselves at the front, and Gold team hit the back. Nathan Betesh reportedly said "Gold Team rules!" In an instant, all 10 students were inside. Found were 4 mid-twenties Israeli Arabs. After wrestling them down to the ground (nobody had guns), they were questioned.

"It turns out," commented President Ovadia, "that Hamas was not responsible." The fiasco was due to a typo on the accident report. "In reality, the real culprit was not Hamas, but secret organization called Hummous. Dedicated to making "the best darned chickpea dip in the East," Hummous sent its members for lunch, who accidentally pulled the fire alarm at the food court.

"But where's Al?" one may ask. Funny story actually. It turns out he was actually holding the camera the whole time. Ha ha, good one Al!

Hillel Girls Refuse To Buy Bagels

DEAL, NJ -- It was a lovely day. Prayer went particularly fast. The Seniors were away on their annual Israel trip. The Ovadia Administration, away at a meeting in Knesset, left other students in charge of food, under the new Ekel Distribution Board. Leon Ebani and Ricky Tawil ran the box as usual. Morris Cohen and Leo Hanono took lunch orders. Bagels were sold by Lee Matalon and Jack Alboucai. Cream Cheese is reportedly "being handled" by Michael Shomer.

The two Juniors began walking around with their brown paper bags, part of a new Mobile Bagel Sale Program. "The bagels come to you!" commented Eric Vaknin on the new system. Also known as "Beggle Snacks," these bagels are known to be a staple of the Hillel Diet. The menu includes Egg, Egg ET and Cinnamon Raisin. Legend has it that the 2009-10 School Year featured many more flavors. As appealing as they are, some students, unfortunately, refuse to buy bagels.

Rachel Wolkoff (11) and Devorah Wittels (11) were two such students. When the Beggle Snack salesman passed by and offered, they declined. The two, however, requested to be in the Update. The salesman offered to write an article about them if they bought bagels. They declined once more.

"I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS" commented Bagelier Lee Matalon, "EVERY DAY I SELL THESE BAGELS. WHY DO GIRL AND OTHER GIRL HAVE TO WHINE? THEY'RE RUDE! I NEVER HAVE TO YELL AT MY STANDARD CUSTOMERS. I WANT THEM TO EAT. THEY NEED TO STOP THESE DUMBGERRY!"

The Ekel Distribution Board said in a statement, "the underlying problem is that these girls are simply MAYHS girls. They didn't get daily bagels over there. They're simply not used to the system." The bagel system reportedly takes more than a year to acclimate to. "Today, a Freshman asked, 'why do the Juniors sell bagels?' and we replied, 'because the Seniors are away.' He then asked, 'but why the JUNIORS?'"

Official sources claim that Wolkoff and Wittels will not be featured in the Update. "They didn't buy bagels, they don't get in the blog" said blog editor Lee Matalon. "The bagel world seems simple, but in reality, its very cray." Bagels are available for $1.00, Monday through Friday, after ShahHareet.

MENTION THIS ARTICLE AND COLLECT A FREE BAGEL ON THE 4TH FLOOR, THIS WEEK ONLY!