SCANDAL: "NETA" Hebrew Language Course A Scam

DEAL, NJ -- An independent study by the Hanunu Institute for Hebrew Language Studies recently evaluated the Hebrew skills of students from area schools. Flatbush, TABC and Ramaz took top slots as expected. What was unexpected, however, was Hillel's shockingly low scores. Our of the 21 schools tested, Hillel placed #20, barely beating Shore Regional HS.

"I am deeply disturbed with how low Hillel has slouched" said Hanunu president and founder Leo Hanono of his alma mater. According to Hanono, Hillel's score is 4 standard deviations below the average. He did not have any explanation of this data, as he just heard the words "standard deviation" one one of his daily walks past the honors math class.

In response to this data, the Ovadia Administration teamed up with parents to investigate. They brought in Zack Ashkenazi a specialist educational investigator. Also known as "Zac Ashkenasie" and "Zach Esquenazi," he has been in education investigation for over 10 years. Although his area of focus is History, he was "deeply excited" to take on the Hillel Ivrit project.

Mr. Ashkenazi immediately found the problems with Hillel's NETA program. "First of all," he reported, "NETA isn't teaching real Hebrew. Most of the words are just English words with Hebrew letters." Mr. Ashkenazi returned with flashcards reading "telephone," "internet" and "oceanus" -- all in Hebrew letters.

"We're outraged with this" commented Joyce Cohen, representing the Ovadia Administration. "Our students deserve the best learning experience that Hillel can offer." The Ovadia Administration has decided not to sue NETA Systems for education fraud. "We'd have to go to the Israeli courts, and none of our AP Gov students speak Hebrew."

Hillel Heat To Play In Texas Playoffs

HOUSTON, TX -- Texan Yeshiva Beren Academy recently stepped down from a playoffs slot in a league ran by the Texan Association of Private and Parochial Schools (TAPPS). The game was scheduled for 9:00PM on a Friday, and the Beren Stars stepped out in order to place Shabbat Observance in front. After Beren appealed to change the game, TAPPS decline.

"At first, we were horrified with this Antisemitism and felt bad for our fellow Beren Jews," said a representative of the Hillel Heat Franchise, "but now we can't be happier. Our season just ended against MTA, but now we have a chance again!" The coach, known affectionately as "Coach" hurried to gather his dismissed team for a brief meeting before handing out the plane tickets and itineraries.

"I can't believe we have another shot!" commented Heat Player RRRRAl Sultan, who was found asleep in the ELC gym. The team will be flying out to Houston on Thursday to compete in the Friday game. "Its not every day that you find an opening like this" says Sultan, as he fumbles to open a carton of milk.

The decision to buy out Beren's slot has left many wondering, "What about Shabbat?" Rabbi Dr. Nathan Betesh, the halakhic authority of the Ovadia Administration, has delivered the following statement. "We'll fly out an advance and walk to the stadium. Winning will bring much Kavod to Hillel, so its imperative we play. Most of the team doesn't really keep Shabbat, anyway."

The two Shomer Shabbat players are Saka S. Charles and Edward "I'm Wrong" Benjamin. Saka does not have any issues as he will never actually be put on the court. Benjamin will have a Hispanic woman following him around. He plans to hand the "Chadameh" the ball when he's ready, and hint for her to shoot. "It's foolproof" noted Rabbi Dr. Betesh

"We're still keeping Shabbat," said a rep from the Oval Locker, "but its just one of those Winter Break 'charge it to my room' Shabbats. Still kosher." The Ovadia Administration is very strict about the rest of Shabbat, though. "We'll be lenient for the game, but the rest of Shabbat will be like a regular SemiNar."

Student Council To Vote On Abolishing Fast

DEAL, NJ -- Purim is fast in its approach, being just a week in coming, Its the holiday of costumes, of celebration, and of candy. People dress up like their favorite characters to hear the Megillah reading, and eat delicious food. But that's only after the proceeding fast day, Taanit Esther.

"We all get ready for yet another fast," commented President Harary, "and we stop eating. And then we realize, like, why are we here?" PresiVadia is one of the proponents of the so-called "Achashverosh Amendment," which seeks to legally and halakhically uproot the Fast of Esther. It will give each student the halakhic means to get out of fasting, an downgrade it's status from being a Hillel National Holiday.

"What's the point of this anyway?," commented StuCo member Isaac Sasson, "Nobody knows why we fast today. And who wants to be hungry right before the feast and Mishloach Manot? Its like, the shortest fast anyway. Our celebration of Purim outweighs the sadness of whatever this day is, anyway, probably." Isaac Sasson is a member of the popular group Y13 Boys Quartet, which publicly favors the Achashverosh Amendment on the grounds of being Hungry.

"This is mahmaahsh unacceptable," stated Edward Benjamin, "its completely against the ways of the holy TorReh, and we have no HalachChik means to uproot the T'aa'a'ahNeeht." Mr. Benjamin, also on Student Council, is leading the opposition movement against Mr. Harary's amendment. "This is a hChuu'utzpahHh and a big cHillooolh HashShehmm." Benjamin's campaign is tainted by the fact that he was, still is, and will continue to be, wrong.

A popular Purim activity

Mr. Benjamin has collected support from the Robbonim of Hillel, as well as the new science teacher, who was reportedly "just looking for the bathroom." However, his numbers fall short of his goal. The President's plan, however, is more popular among the student body. "We're in Deal," Ovadia noted on cancelling the fast, what do you expect?"

The members of the Oval Locker will be hosting a rally for the Amendment on Monday. Y13BQ Manager Jesse Rothstein confirms that the band will be hosting a benefit concert at the event and selling signed copies of their album Hungry?. "The boys are nothing short of excited to support such a noble cause," he said at a press conference. Keynote Speakers are to include President Harary and Lee Matalon of Substantial Force Productions, followed by a show from the world famous hypnotist Burnout Bill.

Vice President Benjamin will be hosting his event at the same time, located at Maor Yeshiva High School on Park Avenue. The entertainment will include a Genius playlist of Shwekey, Shlock Rock and Matisyahu. Keynote addresses will be given by VP Benjamin, former president Joey Bouganim, and retired astronaut Neil Armstrong. The address will be followed by a heartwarming shiur from the Bible Codes Guy.

"We're seeking to use a condition, or Tnai, to stop the fast" commented Rabbi Dr. Nathan Betesh, the halakhic authority for the Ovadia Administration. "If the amendment passes, Taanit Esther will be as worthless Valentine's Day. The only difference is that here, Hillelians will stop celebrating." The amendment will be up for referendum on Friday during lunch.

Ovadia Administration To Install Sniper Squad On Roof

DEAL, NJ -- Hillel Yeshiva has always been a relatively safe environment in terms of protecting it's student body. The dummy security cameras and the empty guard booth in the parking lot are there precisely to fool possible criminals and protect the school. These, along with the Motion Sensors on the ELC ceilings are the current system, which have proven sufficient for years.

"But it's not enough" commented the Department of Homeland Security. "Realistically speaking, Hillel has never been at a greater security risk. Between the construction workers at the nearby shul and the motorcade of green minivans which appear every every day, getting on to the campus has never been an easier feat." The grand caravan of green Grand Caravans arrives twice a day, followed by a beat up white bus. "Who knows what kind of terrorists could sneak in on one of the vehicles?"

In response, the Ovadia Administration has initiated a plan codenamed OPERATION: Bookkeeping. "The intent of the plan is to deploy a team of security snipers on the roof" said the Minister of Defense in a statement last night. "We can't reveal any details on the agents, however we must declassify their presence. Its only fair to the students."

A Rooftop Sniper spotted during a training exercise. An eagle-eyed student snapped this blurry picture on his blackberry.

A cable released by the Hillel Muckrakers' Union indicates that these snipers may be hired mercenaries from Syria. Lt. Col. Ya'oub al-Boucai of the Syrian Army declined to comment. While hired guns from Halab seem like an Ovadian strategy, it must be noted that the majority of the Syrian forces operate by boat.

How the Student Council will fund the marksmen is still up in the air. "We were thinking of having 'Junior Sniper' classes with the 5th grade on Wednesdays. For a fee of course" the Minister of Defense proudly explained. "We might also rent the snipers out to teachers who are having rudeness problems." The snipers' equipment is sensitive to register Dumb Noises of even the lowest frequency.

"The only real security camera in the school is located in the Box," President Harary is reported to have said himself. "The camera was extremely successful. We realized the only way to protect the school is to use actual methods, and not rely on decoys." When the snipers will be deployed is still unknown, however they are expected "sometime before Shavuot."

Ovadia Administration Celebrates Presidents' Day

Written by: Inc

DEAL, NJ -- Hillel students have been rejoicing all weekend for the extra day off they get on Monday for the holiday. But nobody has been looking forward to President's Day more than Hillel Student Council President Ovadia Harary. While it seems like a holiday signifying nothing more than another day of sleeping in and a sale at a car dealership, the Ovadia Administration feels otherwise, and has announced plans to celebrate.

On Monday morning, Ovadia hosted a formal brunch, inviting high profile presidents from the community and beyond. Former Hillel Student Council Presidents Albert Tawil, Joseph Bouganim, and Morris Mishan were rumored to be in attendance. This calls into a question why Ovadia's predecessor, Joey Sultan was not extended an invite. 

"When we sat down to invite the former presidents, we could not remember who last year's president was.  Our advisors thought intensely for about 20 minutes, and we even consulted the Student Council.  Nobody was able to remember the name.  As a matter of fact, nobody was able to remember anything that Student Council actually did either," said the Ovadia Administration in a statement Sunday. Joey Sultan could not be reached for comment.

Sammy Saka, President of Hillel Yeshiva, was invited as the keynote speaker, preparing a motivational lecture about Tor'eh uMitzbot.  However, it came as a letdown when the keynote speaker was actually 11th Grader Sammy Saka of North Miami Beach, Florida.  

"Much thanks to Ovadia Harary for inviting me to this esteemed Hillel event.  I'm honored to be a part of it, considering I am not a President and I am not in Hillel," said Saka in his keynote speech.

"It seems we invited the wrong Sammy Saka," said the Ovadia Administration.

Other guests included former Hillel 8th Grade President Richard Tawil, West Deal Shul President Raymond Saka, Boat's Boats Inc. President Jack Alboucai, Central Jersey Custodial Union President Hubert Esteme, and Superbowl Champion New York Giants President Steve Tisch. New York Knick Jeremy Lin, despite not being a president of any kind, was extended a linvitation.

Hillel's Chief CPA and Navi Teacher has contacted the Ovadia Administration, claiming that he was more than deserving of an invitation.  The Administration quickly responded to said Rav, citing a misunderstanding. "It seems you are a West Deal Shul resident, not a West Deal Shul president." said the Ovadia Administration in a letter obtained by the Update.

President Harary leading the parade.
Photo by Lee Matalon

On Tuesday morning, Ovadia Harary has planned a President's Day parade.  The route starts on Seven Presidents Beach, goes through Monmouth University, down Monmouth Road, through Fireman's Field, and concludes in the small circle by 9:05am. ELC bus service has been cancelled for Tuesday, confirmed by Yateesha.

Ovadia Harary has personally invited all Hillel Yeshiva High School students to the parade.  The Hillel Offices have taken it a step further, claiming that all students attend the parade will get a free period.  Shacharit will be held starting promptly at 8:05am at the start of the parade. Chazzan Saka Charles will be on Ovadia's float throwing lebez immediately after Aleinu. Mr. Charles has confirmed that Presidents' Day is, in fact, a Yehi Shem day.

"We hope to make this holiday a new tradition for Hillel Presidents," said Ovadia Harary.

When asked if it was true that the celebrations were being paid for as Student Council expenses, the Ovadia Administration declined to comment. The investigation will be led by a financial expert who has requested to remain identified solely as "Hacham E."

Inc is an anonymous contributor to the Hillel Update.

JV Heat beats Middle School Panthers

DEAL NJ -- In a shocking triumph, Hillel's JV Basketball team beat the Middle School Hockey team. The score was close -- 14-12, with the Heat pulling ahead in the last 10 minutes. The Panthers felt bad, but the Heat was ecstatic over what they called a "historic victory."

The majority of the 3rd and 4th quarters was a deadlock in which the illegitimate game's only ball got stuck behind the bleachers. Most of the time was spent trying retrieve it. With 6 minutes left on the clock, Pierre retrieved the ball and passed it to the Heat. They stole an opportunity to score just as the Panthers returned from their trip to 7-11.

"We left to get slurpees at halftime" commented a 6th grader "and were surprised that they were not only able to get the ball back, but actually put it in the basket." The clock read 5:58:52 when the ball was put in play. The final score was registered at 1:03:37. "I can't believe they were able to coordinate a score in just under 5 minutes."

The star of the JV Heat after shooting the winning basket

"I can't believe we finally beat another team!" remarked a Sophomore Jeremy Laniado. "All that summer training finally paid off!" continued the 10th grader, who reportedly scored 5 runs, 2 touchdowns and a hole-in-one.

The after-game moments were truly a scene. Some were singing "We Are The Champions" while others Tebowed on the bleachers. In celebration, the Sophomores pooled their pocket change to share a Red Bull. A Freshmen proudly declared "I'm not doing my homework tonight!" after winning the unscheduled game.

The Panthers weren't too crushed but the defeat. "Whatever, they're a High School team," commented the Middle School Goalie, "I don't get why the feel better beating the MS Panthers at Basketball." This was the attitude found throughout most of the 6-8th graders. "Hey, coach took us for slurpees, that was pretty fun."

The unofficial game was played at Leon B. Smock 80-Acres park. The referee, a woman who was walking her dog, commented "no habla ingles." The JV coach was not in attendance as he "had something to do at a place." He was seen during the game at Slices with his 5 year old son, who is reportedly "aboose hayatak."

Local Student Is Wrong

DEAL, NJ -- It started out as stam a kashya. But it soon developed into mamish a gevaldik machlokes. (I apologize if you don't chhap, I assume you talk like a lomdin). Two students and their respective schools of thought went head to head over a basic Talmudic concept.

The camp of Leon "The Boxer" Ebani included Morris "Act Your Age" Cohen, Jack "Ya'oub" Alboucai, Lee "Get Out Of My Class" Matalon and Leo "Hanunu" Hanono.

The camp of Edward "Meir" Benjamin, included Steven "Regular Steven" Jemal, Jacob "Jakie" Kassin, Al "RRRAl" Sultan and Saka "Charles" Saka. None actually agreed with Benjamin, however he used intimidation to acquire followers.

Clan Benjamin held that "ע"מ שלא תשמטני בשבעית" was a prime example of "עקר" whereas those of Bais Ebani poskined that "הרי אין בו אונאה" is a much better example. Heated discussion developed. Screaming ensued. Both parties requested audience with the respected Rav who taught the shiur.

Edward Benjamin, being wrong

While most people did not understand the question, debate ensued. Class was tense. Everyone had stated their opinions, and there was no changing. During class, Benjamin was called to the office, where he presented his Kashya.

Benjamin unexpectedly entered a Pre-Calculus class and began to apologize. The students immediately began cheering. Three of his opponents reportedly chased him out, down the hall and back into his History class, all while yelling at him.

When asked how it felt to be wrong, Edward explained that "it felt terrible." His advice for the people out there who are wrong is to "listen to Leon Ebani, and Morris Cohen."

No punishment will be officially administered to Mr. Benjamin for being wrong. However, the Y13 Boys Quartet has given everyone -- including he who shall not be named in his infinite wrongness amen -- tickets to a free concert. 

Hillel University Opens Its Doors

DEAL, NJ -- Tzvi Gefen, a Hillel Senior, opened a letter marked "A0000001" today. This letter was, in fact, the first acceptance letter to be printed by Hillel University. The University will be built around the land currently occupied by Hillel Yeshiva. Affectionately called HU, the school will consist of 4 campuses, housing 6 Schools, 2 Recreational Areas, Offices, Dorms and more.

Students are expected to get between campuses via Skyway. One Skyway location is found on each campus. Each campus also has a Box, for easy access to refreshments. Students will receive dorm assignments based on proximity to their course locations.

A map of Hillel University

The University is divided in to 4 campuses.

CAMPUS A

The Norman Greenberg School Of Computer Science offers students a comprehensive education in the fields of programming, game design, IT Solutions and Daf Yomi.

Hanunu Institute For Hebrew Language Studies teaches the art of the Hebrew Language, ranging from Modern Ivrit to Chumash Hebrew to Rosetta Sketch courses.

CAMPUS B

Hillel College is HU's Undergraduate Academy. Majors range from Marine Biology to Parasha, and everything in between.

Doc Academy of Business teaches courses in Business, Economics, Film and Ona'ah.

The 79 Acres Park is an open area for students to enjoy nature, work quietly or simply socialize. Student-run clubs meet here.

Student Council Office is the headquarters of the Ovadia Administration. Students are encouraged to throw rocks at the bulletproof windows.

CAMPUS C

Kantor Institute for Mathematics handpicks 7th graders for an advanced Mathematical education, ranging from Physics to Geometry, Calculus to Origami.

Saka Library is a quiet place for students to do research. A wealth of Torah and Secular books are held within its shelves.

Shalom Student Recreational Complex/Lounge is our revamped Shalom Lounge. Coffee Tables are back!

CAMPUS D

Hillel Yeshiva complex is home to the Early Learning Center, Elementary School, Middle School and High School. 

ELC Gym is home to HU's rigorously optional Phys Ed program, and a Vocabulary Study lab.

Hillel Update Office is where the real magic happens -- the publication center of the Update. The greatest minds meet here to discuss and create news. DOESN'T EXIST NEVER MIND

Whether HU will have a Hillel is unconfirmed.

New Vending Machine Hopes To Stabilize American Recession

DEAL, NJ -- On Friday, February 3rd, Hillelians were surprised with a new vending machine. Although it's racks are empty, it claims to be presenting a "healthier" array of snacks. It's also got a built in TV (cable not confirmed, Verizon FiOS™ a possibility). But perhaps it's most innovative feature is a Credit/Debit card slot.


"The idea is to make more money" said Café Box VP Richard Tawil. "Nature Valley bars are gonna cost $1.50. You can still get the same product for $1.00 two machines over, but those are now considered 'unhealthy.'" This is part of a Box-run action plan to bring the US out of the recession. "We also want to institute an income tax for Hillel Parents."


"Hadje floose" said SY student Morris, as he held up his AmEx Black Card.

Joyce Cohen cutting the Ribbon at the opening ceremony.

By charging credit and debit cards, the Box hopes to sell to kids who don't regularly carry cash. This, in accordance with "health food" surcharges, is sure to rebuild the American Economy. "Its about America." commented a representative from the Ovadia Administration.

The dedication ceremony for the Saka Vending Machine will take place on Wednesday. The event will be catered by the Box. The Y13 Boys Quartet will be performing "Hungry?" live during the ceremony. The entirety of the dedication will be broadcast on the Machine's own screen for posterity. "It's the biggest thing since Meeting Period" concluded Tawil.