DEAL, NJ -- An independent study by the Hanunu Institute for Hebrew Language Studies recently evaluated the Hebrew skills of students from area schools. Flatbush, TABC and Ramaz took top slots as expected. What was unexpected, however, was Hillel's shockingly low scores. Our of the 21 schools tested, Hillel placed #20, barely beating Shore Regional HS.
"I am deeply disturbed with how low Hillel has slouched" said Hanunu president and founder Leo Hanono of his alma mater. According to Hanono, Hillel's score is 4 standard deviations below the average. He did not have any explanation of this data, as he just heard the words "standard deviation" one one of his daily walks past the honors math class.
In response to this data, the Ovadia Administration teamed up with parents to investigate. They brought in Zack Ashkenazi a specialist educational investigator. Also known as "Zac Ashkenasie" and "Zach Esquenazi," he has been in education investigation for over 10 years. Although his area of focus is History, he was "deeply excited" to take on the Hillel Ivrit project.
Mr. Ashkenazi immediately found the problems with Hillel's NETA program. "First of all," he reported, "NETA isn't teaching real Hebrew. Most of the words are just English words with Hebrew letters." Mr. Ashkenazi returned with flashcards reading "telephone," "internet" and "oceanus" -- all in Hebrew letters.
"We're outraged with this" commented Joyce Cohen, representing the Ovadia Administration. "Our students deserve the best learning experience that Hillel can offer." The Ovadia Administration has decided not to sue NETA Systems for education fraud. "We'd have to go to the Israeli courts, and none of our AP Gov students speak Hebrew."
Hillel Update strives to provide a witty, satirical view of current events at Hillel Yeshiva HS. VeNomar Amen.
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