New Vending Machine Hopes To Stabilize American Recession

DEAL, NJ -- On Friday, February 3rd, Hillelians were surprised with a new vending machine. Although it's racks are empty, it claims to be presenting a "healthier" array of snacks. It's also got a built in TV (cable not confirmed, Verizon FiOS™ a possibility). But perhaps it's most innovative feature is a Credit/Debit card slot.


"The idea is to make more money" said Café Box VP Richard Tawil. "Nature Valley bars are gonna cost $1.50. You can still get the same product for $1.00 two machines over, but those are now considered 'unhealthy.'" This is part of a Box-run action plan to bring the US out of the recession. "We also want to institute an income tax for Hillel Parents."


"Hadje floose" said SY student Morris, as he held up his AmEx Black Card.

Joyce Cohen cutting the Ribbon at the opening ceremony.

By charging credit and debit cards, the Box hopes to sell to kids who don't regularly carry cash. This, in accordance with "health food" surcharges, is sure to rebuild the American Economy. "Its about America." commented a representative from the Ovadia Administration.

The dedication ceremony for the Saka Vending Machine will take place on Wednesday. The event will be catered by the Box. The Y13 Boys Quartet will be performing "Hungry?" live during the ceremony. The entirety of the dedication will be broadcast on the Machine's own screen for posterity. "It's the biggest thing since Meeting Period" concluded Tawil.