New Ice Age Dawns On Hillel

NORTH POLE, NJ -- Ya cold? Most likely, thanks to what students call a New Ice Age in Hillel.

A freshman.

Most students and faculty blame the air conditioning. The eagle-eyed Hillelian will notice a little box hanging from the ceiling in each classroom, designed to keep the school at a moderate temperature. Students in Y13 wore everything from short sleeves to a double hoodie, but everybody reported to be freezing. One Junior commented, "It's a little nippy in here." Students were discouraged from sticking their tongues to metal not because of the temperature, but because its a fast day.

But life in Hillel continued in spite of the chill. Everyone does their part to keep life going. Mock Trial has been disbanded and a new "Caribou Hunting" club founded in its place. Memphis has been relocated to Vancouver. The Student Council shut down Friday Sundaes and opened a Soup Kitchen. Gym unveiled a new game called "Cold Play."

Wonder of wonders, a single Ivrit class is hot. Located in the corner of the second floor, students walked in and immediately warmed up. The sun shone through the windows and everybody removed their hoodies. The students began pressing their bodies against said windows and absorbing the sunlight. "Its like I went from the South Pole to Ecuador" said Derb the Great.

AP Physicians are stumped as to what would cause this Ice Age. The class wanted to consult the hot weather experts of the school: Syrians. Unfortunately there were no Syrians around because apparently everyone is Egyptian today. But not everyone is interested in solving the problems. Some teachers just ignore complaints. In one class, a student yelled "I'M FREEZING!" to which the teacher responded "No I We Me None Of That."

NFL Opening; Hillelians Mourn

DEAL, NJ -- Its a warm September Sunday as students of Hillel prepared for what would have been definitely the biggest sports event since Memphis. Today is the opening day of the National Foosball League, or NFL for short. But alas, there is no Foosball in Hillel. The table is broken.

Foosball was invented one September in the 1800s as an act of fate. Andrew S. Foos and Nathaniel Ralph Boll were merchants across the street from one another in Boston. Mr. Foos sold Billiard tables, and Mr. Boll sold Soccer nets. One day, while rushing home for Shabbat, the men crashed into eachother. "Hey," said Foos, "you got your Soccer in MY Billiards!" Boll replied, "You got your Billiards in MY Soccer!" The following Sunday, the men put their heads together, and the "Foos-Boll Entertainment Table" was born.

Foosball was the second most popular sport in Hillel, trumped only by swimming. Tied for third place were the JV Heat and Girls' Soccer teams.

Hillel has owned a single dilapidated Foosball table for years now. In its most glorious years, it was dominated by big-city boss Uriya Teharani. The soda-selling corporate giant made the table his personal playground, tearing through any opponent -- student and teacher alike. But it got to be too much. Opponents would lift the table on an angle, in an attempt to score against Teharani. Lost balls would be hushowed from the neighboring ping-pong stadium. The wood of the table's legs began to split. The handles came loose. The table fell apart.

In early 2011, the Student Council cut funding to both the Foosball and Ping-Pong franchises. Hillel sports fell into ruin. Ovadia Harary was unavailable for comment, as he was busy being a resident of Georgia. But the new Student Council had something else in mind. A representative comments, "Table sports need a comeback. We've brought back funding to the Table-Tennis franchise. You heard it, ping-pong is back." The council announced a new net for the table, and possibly a ball-and-paddle rental service.

A StuCo member fixing the Ping Pong table with 3/8in ratchet  and a 10mm socket

But before school even started, an 11th grade petition demanded the return of Foosball as well. Juniors threatened to occupy the Shalom Lounge until a change is made, but lol nobody cares about those anymore.

"We can't support a sport being dominated by corporate bosses" commented VP Tawil in an official statement, "private soda corporations take business from the Box, and we need to raise money for Israel." Junior Jason Gindi shouted, "hey, you're not even a senior!" Treasurer Alboucai retorted "nah, he's older than me." When Gindi questioned what that had to do with anything, Secretary Matalon responded "Ricky, Ricky." Governor Sultan was unavailable to comment as he was busy being Al.

So in 2012, Hillelians continue to mourn the death of Foosball as a sport. The table may never be fixed, but the game continues in our hearts.

First Day Sees Spike in Toreh uMiswot

DEAL, NJ -- The first day of school has passed. Hillel students have returned to their studies. (Ilan students have returned to whatever they do during the day). One student, Eric Vaknin, 12th grade, commented, "rrrAL!" Jacob Sitton, 11th grade, added, "stappity stapp stapp kay?" Sunblock sales are down, but Cream Cheese sales are up. The hallways quiet down.

The international organization Rabbis Without Borders (fr.: Rabbins Sans Frontières) -- a body which monitors global Judaic Studies -- released its annual summer statistic on Toreh uMiswot (heb.: תורה ומצוות, ar.: وصايا التوراة). This graph is released every summer for Yeshibot to improve their Talemud Toreh (en.: The Teaching of Torah). The released statistic spans late June through early September, charting the total Toreh uMiswot of each week.

The released graph spans 0-110 and is called the Alfieh Scale, named after Rabbis Without Borders founder Yair Alfieh. The 7 weeks preceding September average an A:10.2 on the Alfieh Scale. On September 5th, the data registered at A:98. The instant spike in Toreh uMiswot baffled statisticians everywhere. Theorists explained that the jump is due to the first day of school at Hillel Yeshiva HS, a school known for its legendary Talemud Toreh and 'Assiyat Miswot (en.: the doing of Miswot).

But the is not what shocked the statisticians most.

September 5th registered an A:98 on the Alfieh Scale.

"If Hillel students are so amazing with Toreh uMiswot," said Israeli analyst Yaron Feldbaum, "how come the data was so low during the weeks of the summer?" Nobody could answer the question. Nobody except Bill James.

Bill James, baseball writer and Sabremetrics professor, looked at the statistic for three minutes and synthesized a hypothesis. "It appears," according to Mr. James, that Toreh uMiswot "are not a CAUSE of, but an EFFECT of, On Base Percentage," When the Rabbis questioned his logic, he admitted he was just holding a 1993 Orioles stat card upside down. "I don't know," responded James, "go ask Malcolm Gladwell."

Mr. Gladwell was very excited to be interviewed by the Hillel Update, and finally "have [his] work printed in something legitimate." Before the Update reporter could present the data, Gladwell jumped into his own theories, including how Ruckuses tip, and his "personal favorite, the Six Degrees of Bagels." When presented with the above graph, Gladwell admitted that he "doesn't exactly" know how to read.

Writer Rory Stewart was out to lunch. All out of 11th grade summer reading jokes, the reporters, rabbis, statisticians and analysts headed over to the Rutgers dorm of their last hope. The knocked, and knocked, and knocked, and eventually kicked in the door, to find the occupant playing Pokemon on his Gameboy Color. Mr. Sultan looked up and greeted them. 

Al Sultan greets the reporters, rabbis, statisticians and analysts.

Al calmly explained the phenomenon to the group. "The spike is quite common" said the Rutgers student and  Nobel laureate. "Hillel students drive themselves to the edge learning Toreh and doing Miswot, but during the summer, they do not attend school and thus, unfortunately, not much of either accumulates." The simple explanation made sense, yet a solution was still needed.

Al, the reporters, the rabbis, the statisticians, Abdul-Haq and the analysts all traveled to the headquarters of the Global Judaic Committee in Pasadena, California. There, the rabbis of the world spent the night debating solutions. Argument ensued. At one point, the Chief Rabbi of Switzerland claimed that Kibbe was just "a glorified meat knish." The Chief Rabbis of Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Elberon immediately left, disgusted. After hours of heated debate, the delegates existed the room with a written amendment to the Toreh prepared.

"As many of you may know," began the Rabbi General, "Toreh uMiswot declines during the weeks of the summer. The problem is not lack of education, but a break in education. Which is why we have approved Toreh amendment #2044-c. It goes into effect June 13, 2013." The Rabbi General continued, "in light of the decline of Toreh uMiswot during the summer months, this law shall hereby establish a principle which states that, although it may be a vacation from school, it's not, and never will be, a vacation from Hashem."

Have a great year everyone!

-eds.

HILLEL ARMY LIBERATES CAMPS, BROOKLYN RETREATS

DEAL, NJ -- 'The Oyz-bayz are fighting back! Its the beginning of the end!" shouted an ecstatic mother as she clutched the hand of her Pre-K Hillelian.

Early this week, the Hillel Army pushed forward and liberated the camps. What they found was frightening. A Hillel Soldier who rushed Ultimate Sports Camp, one Leo Hanono, gave the following description: "children were running everywhere with no supervision. The food was not fit for humans. From every corner of the camp, you could hear the commander yelling: "TAWIL! SUTTON! I TOLD YOU GUYS TO STAY WITH YOUR KIDS! NO, DON'T GIVE ME THAT FOURSQUARE NONSENSE. ONE MORE AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! TAWIL, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU GONNA ROLL YOUR EYES? YOU'RE FIRED. NO, I DON'T CARE. TAKE YOUR BAG AND GET OUT. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT."

Ultimate Sports Camp was built on the Campus of Hillel University, on the grounds of Hillel Yeshiva. In the building, liberation armies met with the local resistance: an underground group known in code as the "Hadjed Counselors." There, the unified force proceeded to liberate the remainder of the camps.

The 183rd "Goon Crew" regiment was the first to set foot on Camp David soil. They began the assault after receiving tips from an inside man -- and a bunch of parents. The Hillel Army was assisted by rebel armies. Both the Blue Team and the iPads fought side by side to help free the camp.

The army considered liberating Camp Ora, but decided not to, and focus their resources to more desperate areas, and besides, camp ora sucks lol.

Labor Day 2012 became known as Victory in Jersey Day, or V-J Day. Brooklyn forces retreated en-masse to their home state of New York. Tanks from the 19th Long Branch Armored rolled down Norwood, cheered on by Jersey residents, both Jew and non-Jew alike. Generals of both sides met to discuss terms of surrender. The treaty was signed on September 3rd, 2012 at 5:24PM, on the Outerbridge Crossing.

President Ebani announced the closure of the war to the press, completing his promise of "victory by Labor Day" with a margin of zero.

Now begin the War Trials. A War Crimes Court has been established. It is presided over by delegates from West Deal, Eatontown, Hathaway, Deal, Park Avenue, Cedar Avenue, West Long Branch and Temple Beth-El shuls. Camp Allsport is first on trial for war crimes. Victims of the camp claim that "it doesn't really offer ALL sports. Its kinda more like Camp SOMEsport."

War On Brooklyn Rages, Reinforcements Arrive

EATONTOWN, NJ -- The war on Brooklyn rages on. Enemy forces have overrun Deal, and the formal police force is at its wit's end. Norwood Avenue has been quarantined as a hot zone, with advisory being placed on avoiding the stretch. Locals do not find problem with the warning, saying "nobody eats at Slices anyway." The police officers have been maintaining few outposts and issuing many tickets, but cannot hold out much longer.

The Hillel Army's force is resisting, but still needs help. Senior Aaron Bailey has recently travelled to Israel for diplomatic relations, these "ILEAD Accords" will soon be made public. The Hillel Army and their enemy invaders have often clashed on the basketball court and in other tournaments. Many casualties resulted from the historic Battle of High Heat.

Resistance fighters met last shabbat at the home of Raquel "RaqTeb" Tebele to discuss tactics. The Hillel fighters were glad to find that reinforcements had arrived. Special divisions have been deployed from Texas, Philadelphia and Israel. 

An IDF Operator, who will remain only known by his codename "Bervis' Cousin" is working with his comrade Leo Hanunu to apply an Israeli theory called the "Non-Engagement Tactical Assault," or NETA. This tactic was developed by a rogue agent and IDF traitor. Jonathan "Benedict Arnold" Zehavi was an IDF General deployed to Hillel, who deserted the military and now fights for Flatbush.

A special forces commander from Texas has also landed in Deal to help the cause. VP Ricky Tawil said in a statement, "We requested a general who was Five Star, and they sent somebody from the Beren Stars. I don't know. Ovadia made the phone call. Whatever." 

Rumors are circulating about planning a "D-Day Invasion." Admiral Alboucai of the Navy claims it would involve "hitting all 5 beaches at once: Loch Arbour, Hathaway, Asbury, Darlington and Bradley Beaches."

BROOKLYN DECLARES WAR ON DEAL, YESHIVAS SCRAMBLE TO ARMS

DEAL, NJ -- It came as a shock to the residents of Deal. This Friday afternoon, the Brooklyn Army suddenly made a mad dash across the Outerbridge and stormed the boarder into Deal. The charge was led by the Armored Division -- a brigade of Mercedes and Audi tanks which mercilessly rammed through the quiet streets of our fair burg. Deal's militia -- the NJ State Police -- could not hold back what one State Trooper called "an army of extremely obnoxious Jews."

After securing a foothold and defeating the State Troopers, the Brooklynites retreated to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge to regroup. Strategists were baffled. "It's nearly impossible for Magen and Flatbush to settle their differences and fight together" said State Trooper Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Some claim that Magen David is trying to make a buffer zone before it moves on to the world.

Leaders were quickly assembled. They met in Hubert's mop closet, which doubles as a bomb shelter. In the  bunker, the Student Council argued for two hours on what to order from Dougies, when VP Ricky Tawil stood up and said, "If we don't act fast, there won't BE a Dougies left!" The members quickly agreed that destroying Dougies would be the best move, but they needed to focus on the issue at hand: the looming Brooklyn invasion. They soon decided to deploy the Hillel Defense Forces.

An artist's sketch of the meeting. (No cameras allowed)
From Left: Ebani, Matalon, Alboucai, Tawil, Harary, Ades, Dweck

Secretary Lee Matalon, head of the Air Force, and Treasurer Jack Alboucai, head of the Navy, met to plan the battle. Matalon said in a statement, "Each soldier's orders, uniform, weapon and radio is in his koracha." The army was told to prepare for a full scale invasion.

"Hillel's Army is our last hope" said Student Council President Leon Ebani, addressing the Deal Community from West Deal Shul. "We don't want these enemies in our country. We can't let them win. We can't let them walk down OUR Norwood Avenue, leave their bikes outside OUR Slices, crowding OUR Loch Arbour. Deal is OURS!" He was then quietly ushered to his seat by the Rabbi.

The army is expected to take out their weapons when they open their korachas every day. They were deployed Monday at 12:05 PM after the basic training written test. Soldiers scattered through deal. Some units, such as the 74th "MAYHS Monsters" regiment, went as far as East Brunswick. The soldiers have been ordered not to retreat. President Ebani has already promised "victory by Labor Day."

HYHS Elects New Student Council

DEAL, NJ -- The results are in! Hillel Yeshiva students recently voted on new members for Student Council. The seven positions -- President, Male & Female Vice President, Male & Female Secretary, Male & Female Treasurer -- are now all occupied by new members.

Leon Ebani is now the President. He completely ad-libbed his speech, writing "speak from the heart" on a piece of paper. The Ebani Administration hopes to "revolutionize the bagel system" among many unannounced projects.

Ricky Tawil was elected Vice President, unopposed. He did not campaign, nor did he give a speech. He is known for working the box and on seminar.

Odette Ades was elected Vice President, unopposed. She is yet to contact us with a statement.

Lee Matalon was elected Secretary, on the platform of FUN. He promises that "the Update will  never become a state controlled publication."

Mariel Dweck was elected Secretary. She hopes to bring an end-of-day Meeting period so seniors can leave early -- something assured by administration "will not happen."


Jack al-Boucai was elected Treasurer, unopposed. His campaign was based on "winning the Syrian way: unopposed." He narrowly beat Al Sultan and Sharpe James.

Shira Harary was elected Treasurer, promising new programs for both boys and girls. Rumors are circulating that she will cancel the Ivrit department.

Former President Ovadia Harary was recently arrested for a court-packing scheme. No details have been released, but more information is to follow.