PRE-SEMINAR VIDEO: Dahak Friday

Apikores Rights Movement Gains Momentum

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the Apikores Rights Movement made a big stride in gaining rights for heretics. Protesters lobbied the front office and demanded change. The heretical lobbyists have been trying since late last year, and finally made their first step towards change. Effective tomorrow, a Karaite Minyan will be located in the back stairwell.

The Apikores Rights Movement was started by a number of local heretics' unions: the Karaite Collective, Apikores United, the National Association for the Advancement of Kofer People (NAAKP), Heresy NOW and others. The groups have been marching for the rights of those who deny the truth.

An NAAKP representative spoke, "we're happy that Hillel is finally making a move to accept heretics equally in society." Previously, heretical individuals were given a lunch detention. Those who continued to deny would be publicly censured and expelled. "Now, we can walk the hallways without fear of  ♪♫ שקילה שריפה הרג והנק ♪♫♪"

Abe Serouya commented on the new Karaite Minyan, "I love it. They're faster than the Ashkenaz minyan. No Amidah, no Tahanunim EVER." The Karaite Minyan reportedly will start at 8:30 and be on a perpetual Yehi Shem cycle. They will not say Barech Alenu OR Barechenu, or anything else in the Amidah. They will have an extended 15 minute breakfast with real bread, on which they will bentch only the first paragraph.

Edward "Still Wrong" Benjamin said in a statement that "Hillel has reached a new low. This Karaite Minyan is worse than the time they tried to uproot a fast." A lone student in the crowd spoke up, asking "does he even go here?!" Benjamin frowned and said, "no. I just have a lot of mitzvot." He was then asked to leave.

The local Young Mitzvah Deniers (YMD) chapter will be coordinating with the Karaite Students in Hillel. "We're planning tons of fun trips," said a spokesperson, "Drag Racing on Shabbat, Bread Factory for Passover, and lets not forget McDonalds Monday!"

Analysts project the Kofer Party to nominate its first ever Heretic for a StuCo office later this year.

HURRICANE SANDY: An Update

BROOKLYN, NY -- After five days in the dark, the Hillel Update's offices have finally reopened in a temporary location of Kings County, NY. The Update has taken whatever space is available in the area, renting the back room of Benny's Pizza on Avenue J and a midrash from Beth Torah Synagogue on Ocean Parkway.

"We didn't really want to relocate to Brooklyn," said Editor-in-Chief Lrr Matalon, "especially after how they screwed us in the summer," he continued as he showed reporters into his temporary office, behind the counter of 16 Handles, "but they were warm and receptive of us. And most of all, they had power, something we didn't." The Update offices are plugged into the NYC power grid and established an encrypted connection to the internet via an unsecured network called "linksys."

"We tried building a generator that ran on Cream Cheese, but it didn't work," added Matalon,  "besides, the line for Cream Cheese snakes all the way up 35, down West Park, through Poplar and up the Front Stairwell. Not a pretty sight." Update engineers convened with the best minds in every science class: Physics, Bio and Film. "Psychology isn't a science" said Secretary Jrck Alboucai, also currently in Brooklyn.

The Hillel Update and Hillel Herald consolidated their efforts in reporting school closings the night before the storm. Herald Editor Jason Gindi spearheaded the #HillelStormWatch Twitter Campaign from his home in New Jersey. Meanwhile, numerous officials convened in a Hotel Suite in Connecticut, including Matalon, Herald Editor Joe Betesh, Leo Hanono of Y13BQ and some girl named Talia, among various female reporters. After school was officially declared to be closed, Matalon joined Isaac Gartenberg and some other various female reporters for a celebration. Green Tea was served.

Then began the rain.

As the staff from the conference returned home the skies opened up. Everyone spent the next day preparing. On Monday night, the power went out. "I was playing Xbox with some friends," said Matalon, "the usual boys: Felix Ades, Sam Sakkal, Morris Gindi, Jesse Antebi, and Nathan "Brooklyn NayCo" Cohen. It was a nice game of Cops, and then it all ended."

With the power out, a slow exodus to Brooklyn began. Some brave students stayed behind. Matalon joined Ades and Hanono in founding a Valley Forge emergency radio broadcast channel. "Leo and I also visited some disaster sites. Sandy Lane in Eatontown had a lot of downed trees. It was pretty funny." said Matalon. Leo Hanono tells us that Lee Matalon tripped over a tree while walking backwards to get a good picture. No word from Joe Betesh aka @goodpictures.

Student Council President Leon Ebani has not been heard from at all during the crisis. His only school-relevant tweet during the hurricane was parking joke. School Board insiders tell us that a week in Brooklyn "will scare [the students] off of parking for a long time." StuCo representitives responded that it doesn't make a difference as all students plan to park in the designated areas, right? lol

Hurricane Sandy has been a nuisance for some and a nightmare for others. As a majority of Hillelians sit idly in Brooklyn, most homes in NJ are still without electicity. Hillel Central Power & Light (HCP&L) is working around the clock to bring it all back. Jason Gindi, co-chair of the Hillel Storm Watch board noted that "It took everyone's effort. We worked together and survived the worst of it." Stores and Gas stations are slowly opening in New Jersey, as both people with and without power return to their daily lives. "Sandy really showed everyone's true colors," he concluded, "at least on Instagram."

Hillel Update Presents: A Guide To Parking

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the school unveiled a series of new parking rules which left students scratching their heads. The question of this lightpost vs that gate left even the most experienced drivers stumped. To make matters worse, caution tape was placed around the main entrance to the lot, requiring drivers to exit through the emergency exit.

To help confused students navigate the parking lot, Lee Matalon (who doesn't actually have his license) composed a simple list of rules to followed. Those who adhere to the rules will avoid being stickered.

• Students must display a HYHS Parking Permit at all times.

• Students may only park in the back four rows.

• Students may NOT park facing the Ashkenaz shul.

• Students may NOT park IN the Ashkenaz shul.

• Former MAYHS students with a valid Class J Ashkenaz Permit may park in the shul's lot.

• Cars must display a blue decal on the top left corner of their plates. I don't know, figure it out.

• Backing into spots is strictly prohibited.

• It is prohibited to pop the trunk between the hours of 8:06AM and 5:04PM.

• All cars must have a red racing stripe painted on the left door.

• Students named Zack may not drive red cars.

• All motors must be running during Chumash.

• No motors may be running during Navi.

• German vehicles must park at the 7-Eleven on Deal Road.

• Mirrors must be folded in on Wednesday.

• Hardtops must be removed for Minhah.

• All Jeeps must display a "Coexist" bumper sticker.

• Abie Matut must also display a "Coexist" bumper sticker. Nice try.

• Students may not drive between 6:00AM and 11:00PM

• Students born on Tuesday, Friday or Saturday may not carry spare tires.

• Students born on Sunday must carry three spare tires.

• No Infiniti G37's may be parked next to each other.

• All 1998 Vehicles must be painted bright yellow (We're looking at you Felix).

• Oil changes are mandatory on Rosh Hodesh at the student's expense

• Students on National Honor Society must display their NHS Certificate in the window.

• Students with Four Wheel Drive may not apply to Brookdale.

• V6 Engines are prohibited on Thursday.

• Convertibles will be confiscated from students and given directly to teachers.

• Students named Daniel Teren may not drive. Ever.

• Students may not park in the lot and order Dougies in the same week.

• Students in Y10 and Y11 may park wherever they want in the JCC lot.

• Students in Y12 are permitted to park on Saka Field during Arbit.

• Students who are taking Film AND Forensics may park anywhere.

• Students in AP Physics may not accelerate in the parking lot.

• Romney bumper stickers are prohibited.

• Vehicles may not have more than 3 wheels.

• Students in Y13 may not leave Barley in their cars.

• Airplanes may not be parked anywhere. Helicopters are OK though.

• Just kidding. No Helicopters either.

• Students who got a 5 on AP Chem may park in Administrator spots.

• Students must remove steering wheels before going out to lunch.

• Doors must be unlocked during schoolwide Halacha tests. 

•  Tires must be deflated during Shema 

•  Tires must be inflated during the Amidah 

•  Students must engage parking brake during lunch. 

•  Students must honk horns every time the bell rings.

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I think you get the idea.

Students Miss Seminar

PISCATAWAY, NJ -- Today was the much anticipated annual Hillel Seminar in the Piscataway Holiday Inn. For some reason, nobody showed up. The HYHS office blames the PTA Calendar for not having it listed. The PTA blames the office for not making flyers. The office said in a statement, "the copier was broken." The Seminar was fully planned from early August by the Student Council.

"This was THE year to come" said VP Ricky "Ricky-Ricky" Tawil. "We had great events and speakers planned, and nobody signed up. It was going to be the best Seminar ever. And its ruined. We had sick advisers this year: Raymond Chalme, David Winitsky, Al Sultan, Saka, Elvis, Batman -- you name it -- they were all there."

"We finally got a Midrash without Christmas decor" said Treasurer Jack "Ellen DeGeneres" Alboucai, the official Seminar Hazzan, "It was Halloween stuff. But still, that's not a religious holiday day, so we lucked out." They didn't even have a minyan anyway, "we had to convert some Chinese guests from the 5th floor." Jacob Cohen was not present, although three of his uncles were.

"The speakers were top notch this year, commented President Leon "Theres My President!" Ebani. "Gilad Shalit was set to speak on his way back from Magen David before going to Israel." Mr. Shalit showed up, but left early when nobody was there. "Do you know what kind of strings we had to pull to get him? It would have been impossible if we didn't have connections" said Ebani, speaking of David "Derb" Cohen, the captain of the Israel trip and a family friend of the Shalits.

"Comedy was great this year" said Secretary Lee "Lrr You Can't Behave In A Lab" Matalon, "we had three hours of skits, songs, dances and videos. And that's not the half of if. We brought in Joel "Jeff" Chasnoff to do one of his routine. And of course, we had the world famous hypnotist Burnout Bill. He even brought his special touching hand!"

"The music was great too" said StuCo Advisor Gail "Unpaid" Mizrahi, reading a teleprompter, "we had a killer lineup. Rabbi Glicksman, Train, One Direction, Y13BQ, Chip Skylark, the Maccabeats, fun., Coldplay, Saka Charles, Lil Wayne, the Arcade Fire, Matisyahu, the Rolling Stones, Kasabian, Queen, Nicki Minaj, DJ Lrr, Avicii, Usher, Spinal Tap, and the Artist Formerly Known As Devorah Wittels. Bamboozle was jealous."

The Student Council was baffled as to why everyone would miss such a good SemiNar. Even the students of Leadership Seminar were absent, causing critics to ask, "where are my leaders?" Analysts commented that "most Hillelians were busy with other things. The SAT is on Sunday. Some kids have sports games. And then there's always Lost Season 3."

Hey guys. Just realized I never uploaded the "Rebuilding Rabbi" video from last year's SemiNar. Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbLUSsZeZeQ

SPORTS: Saka Charles To Retire From Temple Run

DEAL, NJ -- Notable Sephardic Cantor and Hillel graduate Saka Charles announced on Instagram late this evening that he'd be "officially retiring from temple run." Mr. Charles' sudden withdrawal from the major leagues came as a surprise to many, especially after setting a recent world record: 20,120,072 points.

Saka began competing in early 2011. His career began not in Temple Run, but in Flick Home Run, which he thought was actually called "Smack Home Run Derby." His early days were spent begging Morris "Not A" Cohen for a turn on the latter's iPhone. Although his Navi teacher tried convincing him to play Angry Birds, Saka had found his calling. Mr. Charles was then using a flip phone manufactured by his company, CHARLESAR. He soon moved up to the big leagues and got an iPhone, and his career took off.

"We're sad to see Mr. Charles retire" said President Leon Ebani, "he was a vibrant part of Hillel's athletic culture. He was to sports as Al was to Chemistry. Temple Run was his big thing. He thought he was on the Heat, but nobody had the heart to tell him he didn't make the cut. But he's on to bigger and better things."

Mr. Charles and Mr. Ebani

"He tells us he's ready for a more serious career" said Saka's PR agent, "he's had his fun in the big leagues but now he wants to settle down. He wants to pursue a career as a professional Hazzan." Mr. Charles was recently hired to perform a solo Selihot concert at Hillel. At the thought of singing with Saka, four world class Hazzanim showed up on the spot and joined the show.

Saka Charles currently attends Yeshiva University. He rejected a full scholarship from Hillel University, noting that he "wants a legitimate Jewish experience." He recently cracked into the alarm clock business, supplying free samples directly to the HYHS ceilings. He is known for having a different edition of the Rambam than the rest of the class.

"Saka has his own shul now," continued Ebani, "he's going legit." Mr. Charles reportedly is the holiday Hazzan in a house-synagogue. "His retirement from the major leagues is surprising, but his career has just started." A press conference is slated for tomorrow at the CHARLESAR Headquarters in Las Vegas. In attendance will be the current and previous Student Councils, many celebrities, reporters from the Update and reporters from the Ma Nishma. The Hillel Herald will not be present as Pat Monahan's agent has obtained a restraining order.

"Saka was olweez a pleasure to have around, and a great Temple Run player. He will surely be missed in the major leagues" said former President Ovadia Harary, as he boarded the 8:37PM flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas.

BREAKING NEWS: HILLEL HERALD MAKES DUMB JOKE

DEAL, NJ -- As the Global Jewish Community prepares for the most serious and straightforward day of their year, the Hillel Herald had other plans.

A local posek, Rabbi Hillel Updatowitz, commented on the general custom. "Yom Kippur is a downright serious day. We bow before Hashem. We pray directly at the open ark. We blow a Shofar and cry. It's a day of affliction to the soul -- no eating or drinking. No handwashing. No leather shoes. No smearing creams, and no [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]. Thus, we must prepare our souls in a most serious way."

But the Hillel Herald isn't prepared.

Instead, it prefers to make jokes. Specifically, references to Train's "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" -- a song with the line, "How could you leave on Yom Kippur." Inappropriate? Rabbi Updatowitz said its "downright a  chutzpah."

At 9:39AM, Update editor-in-chief Lee Matalon tweeted as @leematalon:

"If I hear ONE Train joke this holiday..." 

Shortly thereafter, at 10:22AM, the Hillel Herald's tweeted (no link -- don't bother following them):

"If my girlfriend leaves tomorrow I'm gonna be soooo [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]! #50Ways"

"Yeah, my 'warning' was sarcastic" said Matalon, "and yeah, the joke is obvious," he continued, "but I tweeted it first. But everyone knows that, so it doesn't bother me. The fact is, however, that I played the irony card. I made fun of how obvious the joke is, and how overused it will be. They just posted the joke itself. So which is clever and which is dumb? Up to you."

VP Ricky Tawil, a well known Train fan, sent a heartwarming message to Train on twitter (@rickytawil):

"@train I hope none of your wives and girlfriends leave you on Yom Kippur tomorrow!"

After seeing the Herald's previous tweet, he realized his holiday wishes might be conveyed as a dumb joke and clarified, "Great, now it looks like I stole the Hillel Herald's Train joke." He further clarified, "I was inspired by a Lee Matalon tweet."

Critics are raising all sorts of questions. "Should the official Hillel newspaper be dating? It is an Orthodox school." Some people wondered why a newsletter even HAS a girlfriend -- after all, it is a piece of paper. But critics agree: IT WAS A DUMB JOKE.

Rabbi Updatowitz has agreed not to put the Herald in cherem if they agree to stop with the dumb jokes. They were also instructed to stop with the dumb noises. Update editor Lee Matalon has decided not to get angry about the dumb joke. "Whatever," said Matalon, "I'll take the high road like I should."