Asian Student Brings School Rating Up

DEAL, NJ -- The United Private Schools Board (UPSB) -- which rates private schools nationally -- just finished its sweep of the nation, done once in 5 years. The Board rates each school based on diversity, grades, SAT scores and standards, on a 0-6 chart. Hillel, previously a 2-rated school, had made the important leap into category 5. Ovadia's Minister of Education commented that he's "proud that we're finally running alongside top schools such as MAYHS and Torah Academy."

Diversity was a big factor in the jump. "Previously, Hillel registered 100% Jewish" said the commissioner of the UPSB. "But now, Hillel checks in at 99.5% Jewish, 00.5% Asian." The rise in Asian Percentile is attributed to Hillel Senior Jacob Cohen. Hailing from China Korea Japan Asia, where he was known as Jei-ko Chen, he emigrated to the United States to attend Yeshiva. He pays for his tuition by working part time on the Hillel IT staff.


The Ovad Office said in a statement that "its finally good to have an ethnically diverse schools. Plus, everybody knows that Asians equal Good School. By law of physics, the school is now officially smarter. So its a win-win situation." Cohen's cousin, Mr. Win, is yet to comment on this.

Jacob Cohen, who reportedly sees in 16:9 Widescreen

The school has taken advantage of this new opportunity in every way possible. The 10th grade curriculum -- normally known for including Jewish History -- has been changed at the last minute to offer a Japanese History elective. Juniors will be allowed to take AP Korean Literature, and Seniors will be taking the mandatory course in Mandarin Chinese.

"But the seniors are definitely getting the biggest benefits" said the Ovadia Administration. The Israel Trip has quickly been changed to tour the island of Taiwan. Diplomas will be printed in multiple Eastern languages. But the "biggest news" according to the President, is about graduation. Knicks player Jeremy Lin -- "possibly a nephew" of Mr. Cohen -- has been invited to give the commencement address.

Jacob Cohen was quickly offered the positions of Valedictorian, Salutatorian, StuCo President and Director of Judaic Studies. After declining all of them, he left on a private jet to Costa Rica, to tour the world.

Free Taanit Esther Bagels Sponsored By Hillel Update

DEAL, NJ -- Purim, the holiday of candy and costumes is just about here. Also known as "Hebreween," this holiday will see the global Jewish Community dressing up and celebrating the Book of Esther. The Update could not agree more -- what better time for celebration?

We at the Hillel Update want to wish you a Happy Purim on the day itself. However our offices are closed for Purim. Instead, the Update has sponsored FREE BAGELS for the day before Purim. The planned varieties include Egg-ET, Cinnamon Raisin, Egg, Sesame, Poppy and the coveted Salt Bagel. And these will all be available to Hillel Students who present their (previously worthless) Student IDs and mention this post.

"But the bagels aren't gonna happen" said Leo Hanono, a close friend of Update Editor-In-Chief Lee Matalon. "Mr. Matalon planned the order assuming the vote to abolish the fast of Esther would pass." The fast -- Taanit Esther -- is scheduled to happen the day before Purim. All foodstuffs are banned for consumption, which leads to an "egregious error" in the Halakhic system.

"There is no way to cancel the order at this point" commented an Update spokesperson. "Thats Ona'ah" said Rav Edward Benjamin, "but they kinda deserve it for trying to uproot the Torah." (Edward Benjamin is generally uninformed when it comes to uprooting things. The Update has confirmed that in this case, Mr. Benjamin is, in fact, right.)

A representative of the Ovadia Administration has released a public statement on their official solution of the problem. "Since it's a fast day, we can't let the bagels into the school." The bagels will be delivered at 4:00 AM. "The bagels will be burned on site." Mr. Harary was asked how he is fueling the mass bagel bonfire, and he replied "with the fire of Torah." Where the Ovad Office plans to get said Torah has not been confirmed.

ArtScroll Releases New Yalkut Yosef Volume

DEAL, NJ -- ArtScroll press, famous for their printing and translation of famous Jewish texts, has recently printed a new edition of the Yalkut Yosef. Hillel Yeshiva has just received a gift of over 200 copies of the book. ArtScroll continued its tradition of naming the edition after the donor who sponsored it, in this case, a Hillel senior.


The Charles Edition Yalkut Yosef, named after sponsor Saka S. Charles will include a new English translation, the classic commentaries, and new commentaries by rabbis such as The E Gaon and Bible Codes Guy. The three volume set is available on ArtScroll's website, and through Saka's company, Charlesar. Saka is "very excited" to have his family name plastered on the front cover of every book. 


"This publicity is great for Saka" said Mr. Charles' agent, "we want to make Saka Charles a name found in every home. A global brand. We're also pretty happy to have him in the Update" Saka is reported to have, after taking the below picture, walked into the hallways and announced "I'm in the blog" to at least 3 people.

Mr. Saka Charles with the Charles Edition Yalkut Yosef

An excerpt from Saka's dedication letter reads, "by arming the reader with an arsenal of torah and mitzvot, I hope to provide the means necessary for any student to solve any problems, all while learning." The Gold Version of the Charles Edition follows this message with Saka's own handwritten signature, the famous "circled-SC." The Gold Version includes a copy of "The Saka Notes," Mr. Charles' own commentary on Sefer Vayikra. Donors will receive a Gold Edition.

The Hillel Update has worked a deal with ArtScroll Publications and is selling the Charles Edition Yalkut Yosef for 20% off. The regular price of $179 ($199 Gold) has been reduced to $144 ($160 Gold). When asked to comment on this seemingly Onaah-like price drop,  Saka answered with his signature "øh." By entering the code HIL12UPD on Charlesar's website, one can order

this priceless addition to anyone's library at an amazing price.

SCANDAL: "NETA" Hebrew Language Course A Scam

DEAL, NJ -- An independent study by the Hanunu Institute for Hebrew Language Studies recently evaluated the Hebrew skills of students from area schools. Flatbush, TABC and Ramaz took top slots as expected. What was unexpected, however, was Hillel's shockingly low scores. Our of the 21 schools tested, Hillel placed #20, barely beating Shore Regional HS.

"I am deeply disturbed with how low Hillel has slouched" said Hanunu president and founder Leo Hanono of his alma mater. According to Hanono, Hillel's score is 4 standard deviations below the average. He did not have any explanation of this data, as he just heard the words "standard deviation" one one of his daily walks past the honors math class.

In response to this data, the Ovadia Administration teamed up with parents to investigate. They brought in Zack Ashkenazi a specialist educational investigator. Also known as "Zac Ashkenasie" and "Zach Esquenazi," he has been in education investigation for over 10 years. Although his area of focus is History, he was "deeply excited" to take on the Hillel Ivrit project.

Mr. Ashkenazi immediately found the problems with Hillel's NETA program. "First of all," he reported, "NETA isn't teaching real Hebrew. Most of the words are just English words with Hebrew letters." Mr. Ashkenazi returned with flashcards reading "telephone," "internet" and "oceanus" -- all in Hebrew letters.

"We're outraged with this" commented Joyce Cohen, representing the Ovadia Administration. "Our students deserve the best learning experience that Hillel can offer." The Ovadia Administration has decided not to sue NETA Systems for education fraud. "We'd have to go to the Israeli courts, and none of our AP Gov students speak Hebrew."

Hillel Heat To Play In Texas Playoffs

HOUSTON, TX -- Texan Yeshiva Beren Academy recently stepped down from a playoffs slot in a league ran by the Texan Association of Private and Parochial Schools (TAPPS). The game was scheduled for 9:00PM on a Friday, and the Beren Stars stepped out in order to place Shabbat Observance in front. After Beren appealed to change the game, TAPPS decline.

"At first, we were horrified with this Antisemitism and felt bad for our fellow Beren Jews," said a representative of the Hillel Heat Franchise, "but now we can't be happier. Our season just ended against MTA, but now we have a chance again!" The coach, known affectionately as "Coach" hurried to gather his dismissed team for a brief meeting before handing out the plane tickets and itineraries.

"I can't believe we have another shot!" commented Heat Player RRRRAl Sultan, who was found asleep in the ELC gym. The team will be flying out to Houston on Thursday to compete in the Friday game. "Its not every day that you find an opening like this" says Sultan, as he fumbles to open a carton of milk.

The decision to buy out Beren's slot has left many wondering, "What about Shabbat?" Rabbi Dr. Nathan Betesh, the halakhic authority of the Ovadia Administration, has delivered the following statement. "We'll fly out an advance and walk to the stadium. Winning will bring much Kavod to Hillel, so its imperative we play. Most of the team doesn't really keep Shabbat, anyway."

The two Shomer Shabbat players are Saka S. Charles and Edward "I'm Wrong" Benjamin. Saka does not have any issues as he will never actually be put on the court. Benjamin will have a Hispanic woman following him around. He plans to hand the "Chadameh" the ball when he's ready, and hint for her to shoot. "It's foolproof" noted Rabbi Dr. Betesh

"We're still keeping Shabbat," said a rep from the Oval Locker, "but its just one of those Winter Break 'charge it to my room' Shabbats. Still kosher." The Ovadia Administration is very strict about the rest of Shabbat, though. "We'll be lenient for the game, but the rest of Shabbat will be like a regular SemiNar."

Student Council To Vote On Abolishing Fast

DEAL, NJ -- Purim is fast in its approach, being just a week in coming, Its the holiday of costumes, of celebration, and of candy. People dress up like their favorite characters to hear the Megillah reading, and eat delicious food. But that's only after the proceeding fast day, Taanit Esther.

"We all get ready for yet another fast," commented President Harary, "and we stop eating. And then we realize, like, why are we here?" PresiVadia is one of the proponents of the so-called "Achashverosh Amendment," which seeks to legally and halakhically uproot the Fast of Esther. It will give each student the halakhic means to get out of fasting, an downgrade it's status from being a Hillel National Holiday.

"What's the point of this anyway?," commented StuCo member Isaac Sasson, "Nobody knows why we fast today. And who wants to be hungry right before the feast and Mishloach Manot? Its like, the shortest fast anyway. Our celebration of Purim outweighs the sadness of whatever this day is, anyway, probably." Isaac Sasson is a member of the popular group Y13 Boys Quartet, which publicly favors the Achashverosh Amendment on the grounds of being Hungry.

"This is mahmaahsh unacceptable," stated Edward Benjamin, "its completely against the ways of the holy TorReh, and we have no HalachChik means to uproot the T'aa'a'ahNeeht." Mr. Benjamin, also on Student Council, is leading the opposition movement against Mr. Harary's amendment. "This is a hChuu'utzpahHh and a big cHillooolh HashShehmm." Benjamin's campaign is tainted by the fact that he was, still is, and will continue to be, wrong.

A popular Purim activity

Mr. Benjamin has collected support from the Robbonim of Hillel, as well as the new science teacher, who was reportedly "just looking for the bathroom." However, his numbers fall short of his goal. The President's plan, however, is more popular among the student body. "We're in Deal," Ovadia noted on cancelling the fast, what do you expect?"

The members of the Oval Locker will be hosting a rally for the Amendment on Monday. Y13BQ Manager Jesse Rothstein confirms that the band will be hosting a benefit concert at the event and selling signed copies of their album Hungry?. "The boys are nothing short of excited to support such a noble cause," he said at a press conference. Keynote Speakers are to include President Harary and Lee Matalon of Substantial Force Productions, followed by a show from the world famous hypnotist Burnout Bill.

Vice President Benjamin will be hosting his event at the same time, located at Maor Yeshiva High School on Park Avenue. The entertainment will include a Genius playlist of Shwekey, Shlock Rock and Matisyahu. Keynote addresses will be given by VP Benjamin, former president Joey Bouganim, and retired astronaut Neil Armstrong. The address will be followed by a heartwarming shiur from the Bible Codes Guy.

"We're seeking to use a condition, or Tnai, to stop the fast" commented Rabbi Dr. Nathan Betesh, the halakhic authority for the Ovadia Administration. "If the amendment passes, Taanit Esther will be as worthless Valentine's Day. The only difference is that here, Hillelians will stop celebrating." The amendment will be up for referendum on Friday during lunch.

Ovadia Administration To Install Sniper Squad On Roof

DEAL, NJ -- Hillel Yeshiva has always been a relatively safe environment in terms of protecting it's student body. The dummy security cameras and the empty guard booth in the parking lot are there precisely to fool possible criminals and protect the school. These, along with the Motion Sensors on the ELC ceilings are the current system, which have proven sufficient for years.

"But it's not enough" commented the Department of Homeland Security. "Realistically speaking, Hillel has never been at a greater security risk. Between the construction workers at the nearby shul and the motorcade of green minivans which appear every every day, getting on to the campus has never been an easier feat." The grand caravan of green Grand Caravans arrives twice a day, followed by a beat up white bus. "Who knows what kind of terrorists could sneak in on one of the vehicles?"

In response, the Ovadia Administration has initiated a plan codenamed OPERATION: Bookkeeping. "The intent of the plan is to deploy a team of security snipers on the roof" said the Minister of Defense in a statement last night. "We can't reveal any details on the agents, however we must declassify their presence. Its only fair to the students."

A Rooftop Sniper spotted during a training exercise. An eagle-eyed student snapped this blurry picture on his blackberry.

A cable released by the Hillel Muckrakers' Union indicates that these snipers may be hired mercenaries from Syria. Lt. Col. Ya'oub al-Boucai of the Syrian Army declined to comment. While hired guns from Halab seem like an Ovadian strategy, it must be noted that the majority of the Syrian forces operate by boat.

How the Student Council will fund the marksmen is still up in the air. "We were thinking of having 'Junior Sniper' classes with the 5th grade on Wednesdays. For a fee of course" the Minister of Defense proudly explained. "We might also rent the snipers out to teachers who are having rudeness problems." The snipers' equipment is sensitive to register Dumb Noises of even the lowest frequency.

"The only real security camera in the school is located in the Box," President Harary is reported to have said himself. "The camera was extremely successful. We realized the only way to protect the school is to use actual methods, and not rely on decoys." When the snipers will be deployed is still unknown, however they are expected "sometime before Shavuot."