Health Safety: Dougies Is Nish, Causes Lateness

DEAL, NJ -- Scientists have released a new study, which correlates eating Dougies with being late to class. The lunch option -- a popular item being Poppers -- has been indirectly linked with Thursday Post-Lunch Lateness. The breakthrough was achieved when a budding researcher factored in the average bathroom time per hour of the week --- finding a sharp rise on Thursday's lunch periods.

"It's rather simple," explains Dr. Yisroel Rothstein, a speaker for the HYHS Food Bureau, "the human body is designed to take in Food. However, on Thursdays, many students eat Dougies instead. The body -- a creation of Hashem Yisboroch -- is quick to reject the rotting flesh lunch." While previous studies have already discovered this, Dr. Rothstein went further.

"The average Popper spends about 10 minutes total time in the body, after which its expunged. Where does it go after it's removal? The Hillel Yeshiva bathrooms." The numbers begin to stack up, and the rest of the study becomes basic math. "The removal needs to be thorough, so its a rather lengthy bathroom process. Multiply the amount of time by the number of students and you have the total bathroom wait time. People stand on the line for a 5 minutes each, and everybody ends up late."

Students learning of the study are outraged. Some complain about the wait time and lateness. Most complain about the disgusting nature of what enters the body in the first place, on which a student commented "ert."

"But there are some positive aspects to the process" adds Dr. Rothstein. "Ten minutes is a pretty good reaction time for the body to purge the poison."