SURVEY: Most Students Do Not Like Fun

By: MYNO (Anonymous)

RANDOM NORTH JERSEY TOWN, NJ - A recent survey conducted in Hillel Yeshiva shows that most students are not enthusiastic about this year's Seminar.  Students were asked the question "Do you enjoy spending a weekend with your friends in a hotel?" A towering 87% of Hillel students answered "no", a large portion electing to sit in their house and watch LOST Season 6 for the third time. An additional 9% said they do not want to miss the opening day of the NBA, however, 100% of these students did not realize that Seminar is the weekend before.

A student wrote in the comments at the end of the survey, "It doesn't make sense to drive 40 minutes just to laugh and have a great time for 72 hours."  In the same survey, 91% of students checked NO when asked if they enjoy laughing. Furthermore, 83% of students replied "strongly dislike," when asked if they like enjoying themselves.

Students who said they weren't attending were asked to write how many of their friends are going on Seminar, of which 91% replied they have no friends.

Majority of Hillelians do not enjoy having fun

When asked to write down any questions about Seminar, Many students asked, "What do I get if I go on Seminar?"  The obvious answer is that they will be granted a full weekend of Seminar as a reward for going on Seminar.  We are unsure what these students expected to receive as an award for having fun, but some requested a homework pass or even a free period.  The Hillel Seminar Administration immediately declined that request.

The Ovadia Administration said in a press conference with Aitch-El Productions that they are even willing to give mattresses to all students who sign up before this Monday. Freshman will need to fill out a special mattress request form along with their Seminar form, which will be approved on a case-by-case by the Seniors.

The Holiday Inn of Random North Jersey Town, NJ declined to comment about the overtime of their staff needed to add and remove mattresses.

MYNO is an anonymous contributor to the Hillel Update.

SPORTS: JV Heat Sophomores Enter Into Lockout

The author of this article has chosen to remain only known as "Inc".

OCEAN, NJ - Inspired by the recent NBA Lockout, the sophomores on the JV Hillel Heat have entered into a lockout with the Hillel Athletic Department - Junior Enterprise (HADJE), proposing more share of department revenue and a higher salary cap. 

Hillel Athletics takes in close to approximately $12 annually as revenue, most of it generated by the food and drink conglomerate Uriya Industries Corp.. In the past, 70% of athletic revenue went to the head coach, 19% to the sophomore players, 10% to the freshman players, and 1% to Hubert's Christmas gift. However, this year saw a slight difference, with Head Coach Eddie Cohen getting 90%, freshman point guard Bibi getting 10%, leaving no share for Hubert or the sophomores. The sophomores have threatened to not play until they have 10% share, with Cohen getting 60%, and Hubert getting 10%. The sophomores have also added to the proposal that 20% be added to extend the Christmas gift to Pierre, Fritz, Mickey and Lois. 

A HADJE representitive told the Hillel Update, "The threat by the sophomores to not play has not phased us, since they don't play anyway.  They claim that the team won't win without them, but we don't win anyway."

After their last game, The Hillel Update attempted to reach JV Head Coach Eddie Cohen for a comment, but reporters were blocked by a mob of angry parents.

Sophomores aim to start negotiations next week, and say that future looks "bright" if the Athletic Department can sit down and discuss the proposal. 

The Ovadia Administration declined to comment.  

Local Student Is Great

DEAL, NJ -- While the population of Hillel disagrees about many things, a unanimous consensus is that David Cohen is great. The student (who is great) attends High Honors and AP classes, which makes him great. He is also on the Basketball team, which also makes him great.

"Derb's great" commented a bystander in Mr. Cohen's class.

Polls were taken, titled "Rate Dave from 1-to-great." The results unsurprisingly showed that Dave is great.

Recently, one of his peers put a math problem on the board. Cohen exclaimed "yeah, I got it right." The peer responded "Derb, you're great." Another problem was practiced, to which the answer was 6. When Cohen got 7, at least three people told him that he was great (because he's great).

"Dave is great" said a fellow student of his.

Dave, being great

In another class, Mr. Cohen was presented with a Moleskine for writing a good timed essay. Another student loudly questioned the teacher, "YOU KNOW DAVE? HE'S GREAT."

David Cohen (who is great, by the way) did not yet comment on how great he is. Even though we are yet to hear his opinion, we do know, for a fact, that "he's great."

You can follow David Cohen on Twitter @derbcohen. He's great

Most Students Don't Know Rambam From Ramban

CORDOVA, SPAIN -- A recently released study shows that most Hillel Students confuse Rambam and Ramban. The data, gleaned from 5 years of Halakha scores, displays that most tolmidim of HYHS not only confuse the Rabbis, but their works as well. 

Ramban (Moses ben Nachman) is famous for writing a commentary on the Torah. Rambam (Moses ben Maimon) is well known for his Halakhic works and Philosophy. However, Rambam does not have a commentary on the Torah. It is this fact that denotes a key difference between the two.

An interesting quirk of the study was that most students actually DO know Hatzalah's number.

With the extent of the problem, determined, the best minds of Hillel are brainstorming to find a solution. Y6 2010-11 was the first to adamantly attempt to correct this problem. A Propaganda Poster reading Rambam Does Not Have A Commentary On The Torah was created. Anyone who made the error of confusing the two would be penalized. The offending student would stand and hold the banner for one minute straight while the class chanted their 'Hey's and 'Ho's. The teacher commented that this was "in lieu of a minus."

Confusion rates went down in the Y6/Y13 chapters of the Judaic Curricula. The poster was retired after a year of service, but it's effects stuck among the participants of the experiment. Among the least confused students were the members of 2010-11 Y6. After them are the current Freshmen and Seniors -- Y6/Y13 students who did not participate in the experiment. After that comes Y3/Y9, followed by the rest of the school. 

Opponents of this Banner Program argue that it could not be enforced in classes where the students belittle the teacher's authority -- such as Y4, Y5 or Y10. Some suggest the silent removal of points, while other suggest an incentive system. A few radicals have even suggested charging parents a nominal fee for each infraction.

"The Class of 2013," comments a student of the group, "has had many experiments in class: Color War, Bekiyut Tests, Bingo, Chumash/Navi Split -- the list continues. But of all of them," he enthusiastically concludes, "its unanimously agreed that the Rambam Banner was the most successful."

Health Safety: Dougies Is Nish, Causes Lateness

DEAL, NJ -- Scientists have released a new study, which correlates eating Dougies with being late to class. The lunch option -- a popular item being Poppers -- has been indirectly linked with Thursday Post-Lunch Lateness. The breakthrough was achieved when a budding researcher factored in the average bathroom time per hour of the week --- finding a sharp rise on Thursday's lunch periods.

"It's rather simple," explains Dr. Yisroel Rothstein, a speaker for the HYHS Food Bureau, "the human body is designed to take in Food. However, on Thursdays, many students eat Dougies instead. The body -- a creation of Hashem Yisboroch -- is quick to reject the rotting flesh lunch." While previous studies have already discovered this, Dr. Rothstein went further.

"The average Popper spends about 10 minutes total time in the body, after which its expunged. Where does it go after it's removal? The Hillel Yeshiva bathrooms." The numbers begin to stack up, and the rest of the study becomes basic math. "The removal needs to be thorough, so its a rather lengthy bathroom process. Multiply the amount of time by the number of students and you have the total bathroom wait time. People stand on the line for a 5 minutes each, and everybody ends up late."

Students learning of the study are outraged. Some complain about the wait time and lateness. Most complain about the disgusting nature of what enters the body in the first place, on which a student commented "ert."

"But there are some positive aspects to the process" adds Dr. Rothstein. "Ten minutes is a pretty good reaction time for the body to purge the poison."

Crickets Organize Civil Right Protests

DEAL NJ -- Hillel's growing population of Crickets has been the subject of public ridicule in recent times. The insects -- most of which take Cricket-tailored AP courses between the first and second floors -- are now prepared to take a stand for their right. They have mustered up all of their united strength to cause disarray. They are boycotting the floors of the schools, remaining in the ceiling. To demonstrate, they are also publicly chirping during the Amidah.

"Chirp chirp," commented an official spokesperson for the Crickets' Civil Rights movement, "chirp chirp chirp."
This message is not to be taken lightly. Threats of violence have been issued against the student body, with radicals chanting "chirp chirp."

A more level-headed ambassador wants to meet with President Ovadia Harary to negotiate mutual rights. However, this is unlikely to happen due to a language barrier. "Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp" details the ambassador, who has a Masters degree in Chirping from the University of Maryland.

The more athletic activists are complaining that they are being barred from joining the Hockey, Basketball, Soccer or Softball teams. They are being restricted to the Hillel Chirpers, our little known Cricket Team. "Chirp chirp chirp chirp," complained the Chirpers' coach, "chirp chirp."

It is unknown when these protests will end. The Student Council "[wants] to give them rights, if they are willing to cooperate. If the Crickets go radical, they might join forces with the activists from Occupy Back Stairwell and launch a revolution." For now, the protests will have to be endured.

OP-ED: A Lounge Without Shalom

The Contributing Writer of this article has chosen to remain anonymous.


The Shalom Lounge has been recognized by every Hillelian -- as well as each StuCo administration -- as Hillel's greatest public property. It provides area to eat lunch, socialize during free time, study before tests, the list goes on. However, like with most things, there is a line between use and overuse. Its clear that the Shalom Lounge is being overused, misused and abused. If so, why is nobody fighting to conserve it?

In recent times, it appears that our quest for expanding usable space has impinged on the sacred lounge. As more students are added to the school, more Minyan Space needs to allocated to fit them -- slowly expanding the Lunchroom Sephardic Minyan into the lounge. In a drastic move, the majority of the Female Students now pray on former Shalom Lounge territory. This leaves the place in disrepair daily; chairs strewn about.

Overuse by the student body has also brought havoc to the natural resources of the land plot. A survey comparing the 2009-10 school year with the 2010-11 school year shows a drastic decline in comfy chair cushions, and the complete extinction of coffee tables. Ironically, the area has been adorned with photos of students in a happier time. Not only, but the recreational equipment has been retired. The once glorious Ping Pong table has been folded up after all of its balls have been lost and its paddles cracked in half. The dilapidated Foosball table now sits untouched. How did this happen? People took them for granted. The Foosball table quickly became the private playground of Corporate Giant Uriya Teharani -- who never lost a game. While heroes stepped up to fix the games -- such as Eric Vaknin, replacing the net on the Ping Pong table, it was not enough.

Why, you may ask, has the Ovadia Administration not stepped up to conserve the environment? Some say he doesn't have the money. With $2 Frappuchinos, I don't think so. Its probably because he's too scared to confront the problem. He knows that making a change will tick somebody off, and probably would not want to deal with that either.

At this rate, the Shalom Lounge will only be itself nominally for a few years. As the chairs break and the pictures come down, its expected to be annexed by the Lunchroom by the 2013-14 school year. How can this be prevented? That's in your hands.

Students Occupy Back Stairwell

DEAL, NJ -- In conjunction with multiple worldwide "Occupy" events - most notably Occupy Wall Street - students have begun the occupation of the back Stairwell. Myriads of Hillelians flood the cramped space between classes, briskly moving up and down. The corridor remains occupied for the few minutes, after which the students return to class.

"We're just trying to get to class" said one of the occupants of the phenomenon. "We have no political motives. We're not united. I don't even know half of the people in the school."

To top it off, in the mornings, the Stairwell is clogged with Freshmen trying to get their Free Bagels on the Fourth Floor. "This is bizarre!" said a teacher, "I've never had to deal with it!"

Among the protesters was Antonio Ades. "My name Antonio," he said, "I need to get to class or I'll be late!" This comment only complements the general sense of disunity among the protest as a whole. While the task of the Occupancy has not been discovered, it is generally recognized as a problem.

The Ovadia Administration could not agree more. A spokesperson said that they "are working on a solution to the problem, but first need to find a source," however they deny that its "just people trying to get to class. They could avoid the problem and take the front stairwell."

It is still unclear as to why the Back Stairwell fills with students between classes. An unrelated statistic shows that Freshmen and Sophomores always go in the opposite direction of Juniors and Seniors. President Ovadia has declined to comment on this.

Fan Bus Goes Missing

The Hillel Heat Fan Bus to the Cooper Invitational -- missing for two days -- has returned home with no casualties. The driver was Morris from Seman Tov (the guy your mom calls when Avi screws up). The only passenger was a Jesse Rothstein, a Hillel Senior.

Rothstein decided to rent a bus for Heat fanatics and depart early. The bus left Thursday, directly after school. After a quick stop at Sarah's tent, the bus embarked for Memphis. 

First came the mechanical difficulties. After enduring numerous failures, including the AC, Fuel Injector and Power Brakes, it was decided that repairs were necessary. The bus pulled into a local repair station and phoned ahead, stating they'd be two hours late. That was the last that was heard from them. 

Last photograph taken before bus disappears.

Night came and the team settled in, with no signs of the bus. Hillel Center Daniel Teren suggested that the authorities be called, but the team neglected that option in favor of a kumzits circle. Within minutes, Tov Lehodot was supplied.

The next morning, word reached the Team that the bus had safely returned to Hillel after being confronted by Bandits. "The bus driver almost got us killed," tells Rothstein, "but luckily we were able to barter with the almost-murderers with the mazza we brought for the team."

The impressed criminals decided to run off without harming the bus. "We really liked the torpedo shaped things, and the meat discs were phenomenal."

The Yeshiva Basketball Association has agreed to reimburse Hillel for the collateral damage -- including a 

new engine, a tank of diesel, "and those small pizzas with the ground meat."

You can follow Daniel Teren on Twitter @Dtorrancee

SPORTS: Hillel Heat Destroys Fasman Yeshiva, Lamp

Hillel Yeshiva's Varsity Basketball Team, the Heat, just finished its first game in the Cooper Invitational Tournament. Competitors are ranked in three categories:

SY Division (Hillel Yeshiva, Magen David)
Schools Which Tex Attends Division (Beren)
Miscellaneous Ashkenaz Schools Division (The rest)

The Heat beat Fasman Yeshiva 45-35. Fasman Yeshiva (which is not pronounced "Yeh-SHEE-vah" but actually "Yuh-SHIV-uh" -- and they'll get upset about it) is from Skokie, Illinois. Jake Pollack writes that "this was a true thriller."

On the way to the bathroom, Hillel center Daniel Teren knocked over a lamp. As his elbow brushed past it, he realized it was too late to save it. He decided to forfeit the lamp with dignity and let it come crashing down. The lamp hit the ground and broke into multiple pieces. The pieces traveled a short distance and then settled. Anyone could have tried to justify it, but it was clear that the lamp was lost.

A miscellaneous custodian at Cooper Yeshiva said not to worry, and that the lamp was old anyway. The 6'1" Hillel player insisted on paying for the lamp, while secretly hoping the janitor would say no. The custodian, identified only as "Herbert" replied "Boop Boop."

The lamp will be replaced by the Yeshiva Basketball Association.
Hillel is slated to play YULA in the next round.
Teren never made it to the bathroom.

You can follow Daniel Teren on Twitter @Dtorrancee

Op-Ed: The Naked Truth

By: Jesse Antebi

In Hillel Yeshiva High School,  there are many problems, but the cornerstone of all these problems come from the main problem, which is peoples' clothes. Everyone spends more time focusing on how other people look - they barely think about schoolwork. Also, a lot of people get put down by other people because they don't like their choice in clothing.

The school's solution to this problem is ridiculous. The school's solution is that the students have a dress code to follow, but the code is so loose that there is still a wide range of clothing that the students can choose from; therefore the problems still exist.

My solution to this problem is quite simple but will be highly effective. I believe that no students in Hillel should wear clothes at all. Think about it -- not 1 of the 200 students of Hillel will be focusing on any side subjects. Every student would be completely focused on their schoolwork. The students who got made fun of won't be teased any more because there's no difference between students. This gentlemen who I trust completely and is very educated told me that they tried this method in a school he went to, and that the average GPA of the school went up 10% - from 85s across the board to 95s. A tremendous bump in a school with over 500 students shows that in a school with 200 students and an average of 80 should go up to an average of 100, as this solution has no problems.

Some might argue that clothes are part of someones personality, and a part of who they are, but I don't beleive this is true - if two people wore the same thing, they aren't the same person. I don't think there is a positive purpose of clothing, so nobody should ever need to wear it.

Jesse Antebi is a Junior in AP Chemistry and AP American History.

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SPORTS: Panthers Fake Loss to TABC, Spare Feelings

TEANECK, NJ - The Hillel Panthers recently suffered a humiliating defeat of 9-0 against TABC. But this was not at Hillel's lack of ability. The team came fully prepared to win the game, when something unexpected happened.

Last year, TABC was #1 overall. Should they drop to #21 in the league, it would be quite a disappointment. "We had to make a difference" suggested Hillel player Solomon Sultan. "If it means losing on purpose, its worth it to boost TABC's confidence."

Hillel set out to cheer up their opponents. After free cake and a clown failed to do it, the decision was to engineer a loss. "We considered putting inexperienced freshmen on the line," said player Aaron Bivas, "but we'd still likely win. The only option was to stand on the field and fake playing." They did exactly that.

Players took opposing sides and to play. Hillel allowed TABC to score 9 goals during the game while making it look realistic -- a skill usually reserved for Pro Wrestling.

"I saw a blue-eyed toddler in the crowd, and I couldn't stand to make that face sad" said Panthers Captain Joe Epstein, "I feel like we did the right thing."

TABC went home with an easy victory, but Hillel was the REAL winner. "There's no greater Mitzvah than making somebody happy" commented a student on the Fan Bus.

Juniors To File Class Action Lawsuit Against Student Council

DEAL, NJ - The Hillel Juniors are fed up with the prices of the Student Council Box. The prices are engineered to pay for the expenses of the goods as well as fund the Senior Israel Trip.

The lawyers of the Juniors are arguing that the prices violate the Halakhot of Ona'ah. "If the prices are raised a Shtut -- 1/6th of the fair market value -- the sale is illegal and the Juniors are entitled a limited period to return the products.

Tarfon and Associates LP, representing StuCo, argues otherwise. "The law is not one of Shtut, but one of Shlish -- 1/3." Tarfon also notes that in the law that dictates Shlish, the return clause allows all day returns -- something never realized.

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East Deal Shul Launches New PAC Minyan

EAST DEAL, NJ - The East Deal Shul, a prominent synagogue in the Syrian-Mexican Community, is proud to announce a new PAC Minyan. The National Parents and Children Minyan Council has recently recognized the establishment as a member, along with Tefilah giants such as Magen Abraham, Shaare Tefilah, and the rivaling West Deal Shul.

"I'm so excited to pray in a brand new kids program" comments Roberto Gomez-Chera, an eager lad of the community.

The shul's proximity to the border allows entire families to attend with ease. However, Customs Officers are required to search all Korachas for drugs.

But the rewards of attending outweigh the difficulties. "The kids get candy, and the parents get beer," says Mario Betesh-Nuñez age 8, "theres something in it for everyone!"

That is the nature of the program - providing incentives for both the Parents AND Children.

Hillel has recently been very positive towards promoting PAC Minyans.

"After all," in the enthusiastic words of the shul's own Rabbi Eduardo Labaton, "you need both to make it a PAC Minyan."

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Dialect Issues Cause Bagel Shortage

DEAL, NJ - A recent shortage of Bagels -- the staple crop of Hillel's economy -- has caused a panic among the student body. On further investigation, it appeared that the Egg ET-to-Cinnamon Raisin ratio was way off the charts. This left a lack of Egg ET and a surplus of Cinnamon Raisin, which, in the words of one student, "are nish."

The Bagel Commission has looked into the situation. "What we found," commented an anonymous source, "was that a difference in dialect caused the responsible person not to order Bagels, but to order Beggles." It is clear why the order did not go through -- there is no such thing as Beggles.

"I was working on it all day" said Student Council President Ovadia Harary.

All dialectic issues have been resolved, and the Bagels have been returned.