SPORTS: Seventh Annual Festival of Ball-Dodging

DEAL, NJ -- "If you can dodge slow freshmen on the way up to class, you can dodge a ball."

Those were the words of coach Patches O'Eisenstein to the members of team Dark Green during a pregame training exercise. Members Morris Cohen, Leo Hanono, Lee Matalon and Albert Hanan had a 5-0 record for the qualifying round and made it to the Semifinals. The Professional Dodgeball Association (PDA) has them tied for 4th Place with the Freiners team; independent analysts note that Dark Green, who submitted forms on time, is slightly above the Freiners, who were a last minute addition.

The Boys' Tournament was ultimately won by Light Blue. Team member Jrck "da/dt" Alboucai commented "burp burp." The Girls' Tournament champion title went to Hot Pink. Each tournament consisted of round-robin qualifying matches, followed by playoffs and a championship series. The Girls' Tournament had one division; the Boys had two.

The winning teams.

TOP: Hot Pink (L-R) Claudia Chera, Millie Hakim, Jani "Camille" Greenberg, Giv. Cohen-Seal

BOTTOM: Light Blue (L-R) Michael Bouganim, Jack Alboucai, David Gammal, Jesse Antebi

"Dodging and Balling have always been important skills in Hillel" said President Lrrn Ebani. "It helps students survive the chaos." Notably, all Box employees are trained to dodge thrown bagels and to pitch cream cheese in retaliation. "If you can't dodge flying objects and return fire, you couldn't last 5 minutes in Y10." The Y10/11 Gold Team, aka the Mashchisim promised to have "no rachmanus" on opponents.

Professional photographer Uriya "2013" Teherani made an appearance and photographed the event free of charge. Former CEO of the Consolidated Beverage Co., Teherani in fact did not cater the event as he has in past years. Older members of the audience may remember the days of fierce competition between two top product lines: Uriya's soda and Airhead Steve's candy. A student reportedly asked Uriya what he misses most about his days of a merchant. He replied, "voltage."

President Albert Tawil returned for the tournament, this year as the Chancellor of the PDA and as head referee. He was elected to assume this position when dodgeball legend Shlomo The Pirate decided not to run for reelection, after hearing that it would not be Preezon Dojjboll. Tawil finally got to use the big boy whistle and clipboard.

Critics openly bashed the tournament for "blowing the school's budget on sports" as the Student Council inches closer and closer to a fiscal cliff. The office of the Treasury responded that "we don't really have a budget. We don't have anything like that. We just sell bagels." Others complained that the tournament was too late in the season -- the weekend of December 25th is usually reserved for SemiNar.

All in all, the tournament was a success.

Senioritis Hits Kitchen Staff

DEAL, NJ -- With the closing of the first trimester, Senioritis sets in and infects the bodies of the 12th grade. Symptoms include laziness, poor grades, lack of attention, reduced stress and rudeness. It is commonly brought about by college acceptance (or deferral -- you know who you are). And no senior is an exception. Especially not lunch program director Murray Betesh.

It all began last month when some students noticed that the kelsones was still frozen at the core. The lunch kitchen staff happily replaced each lunch or refunded the money. The mistakes remained minor -- half-frozen kelsones, bagels without butter, and the occasional expired ketchup packets. Until one day, the entire fourth grade found meat in their Sambusak.

Parents confronted Murray Betesh (12) who is in fact a senior at Hillel Yeshiva High School. He will be graduating this year. Really. No joke. He chalked the errors up to "lack of sleep" and "too many college applications." He then promised there would be no further issues.

"He burnt my Chicken Nuggets!" said Leo Hanono.

"He burnt my Fries!" said Isaac Gartenberg.

"He burnt my Shake!" said Joe Betesh, taking a sip.

A sophomore recently filed in a complaint that he found "copious amounts" of hair in his noodles. After weeks of silence, the lunch program finally released a statement, replying that "it's actually normal but good job on using a vocab word."

Packaged as "Penne Vodka"

Late last week, it was discovered that when the kitchen ran out of small water bottles, instead of running to the store room to get another crate, Murray put out cans of Blue Sky Creamy Root Beer he had lying around. "This work is tough" said Murray as he reclined in his office while playing Angry Birds.

Activist groups such as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Al) have begun to boycott the Hillel lunch program. PETA, along with the NAAKP and the Crickets Rights Movement have convened in the back stairwell and recently launched a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of lunch program.

"Hey, it's Senior Year," said Mr. Betesh's agent, "he's basically done with this. The fact is Seniors tend to care less later in the year. So Murray's gotten a bit lazy. So maybe a first grader found a thumb in her sushi. It only happened once anyway, and that's no barometer. At the end of the day, the Lunch Program is putting bread on the table." Update reporters asked the agent, "Rye or Pumpernickel?" -- to which there was no comment.

"Unfortunately, students are resorting to Dougies" said VP Ricky Tawil in a statement, "and we can't be responsible for any deaths." To replace both the Lunch Program and Dougies, the StuCo is mandating a new 'Health Food Program.' "Students will be provided with a pamphlet of Food Coupons at the start of each week, each valued at a dollar, redeemable at the Box during lunchtime only." The act is aimed at getting students choose healthier lunches, such as Kit-Kats and Mountain Dew.

The coupons are redeemable at the box with Alan Menaged, Morris Gindi, or Jacob Sitton.

Schoolwide Halakha Is Tested

DEAL, NJ -- Students from around the globe bugged out en masse early this morning as they fumbled through pages of notes in the hallways. Every student had the same four packets and was preparing for the Schoolwide Halakha Exam. Administered once a trimester, every Hillelian must get passing grades on this test or risk imprisonment in the Book Room.

The test follows a consistent format from year to year. All multiple choice, the exam is to be completed on a scantron sheet. There are additionally a few mandatory questions on every exam. Each year, students are tested in depth on the subject of Hatzalah's number. In order to pass, each student must successfully unscramble the phrase "APPYH CHANUKKAH." Finally, every student must know when the Jews received the Greeks as a prize.

This student probably failed.

"It was an easy test" said Y10 student Aaron Bailey. Y10 students receive a modified version of the test with 15 questions and 20 skips. They are allowed to use notes, textbooks and calculators. Additionally, Y10 students can write notecards and keep them in special playbooks. They are expected to know the Beracha on Grilled Cheese.

The College Board recently announced that Rutgers will soon be accepting Schoolwide Halakha tests in lieu of SATs or ACTs. The move is aimed at getting more Hillel students to attend. Brookdale currently accepts Vocab Quizzes.

"The letter options were A A B C. I don't know how I finished" said tech blogger Jason Gindi, 11th grade. "But I know one thing: the Jews did in fact win the Greeks on the 25th." Jason Gindi is known locally for being thrown out twice in one Halakha period. "It was definitely the hardest guessing game I've ever played." Mr. Will could not be reached for a comment.

StuCo President Leon Ebani recently spoke at a Judaic Studies Rally about his 'Dual Incentive' program. "Students who take a schoolwide [halakha test] will be eligible to play in the Dodgeball Tournament for only $15." His program hopes to encourage students to study for halakha AND play dodgeball. On the topic, senior Morris A. Cohen was quoted as saying, "dark green."

PRE-SEMINAR VIDEO: Dahak Friday

Apikores Rights Movement Gains Momentum

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the Apikores Rights Movement made a big stride in gaining rights for heretics. Protesters lobbied the front office and demanded change. The heretical lobbyists have been trying since late last year, and finally made their first step towards change. Effective tomorrow, a Karaite Minyan will be located in the back stairwell.

The Apikores Rights Movement was started by a number of local heretics' unions: the Karaite Collective, Apikores United, the National Association for the Advancement of Kofer People (NAAKP), Heresy NOW and others. The groups have been marching for the rights of those who deny the truth.

An NAAKP representative spoke, "we're happy that Hillel is finally making a move to accept heretics equally in society." Previously, heretical individuals were given a lunch detention. Those who continued to deny would be publicly censured and expelled. "Now, we can walk the hallways without fear of  ♪♫ שקילה שריפה הרג והנק ♪♫♪"

Abe Serouya commented on the new Karaite Minyan, "I love it. They're faster than the Ashkenaz minyan. No Amidah, no Tahanunim EVER." The Karaite Minyan reportedly will start at 8:30 and be on a perpetual Yehi Shem cycle. They will not say Barech Alenu OR Barechenu, or anything else in the Amidah. They will have an extended 15 minute breakfast with real bread, on which they will bentch only the first paragraph.

Edward "Still Wrong" Benjamin said in a statement that "Hillel has reached a new low. This Karaite Minyan is worse than the time they tried to uproot a fast." A lone student in the crowd spoke up, asking "does he even go here?!" Benjamin frowned and said, "no. I just have a lot of mitzvot." He was then asked to leave.

The local Young Mitzvah Deniers (YMD) chapter will be coordinating with the Karaite Students in Hillel. "We're planning tons of fun trips," said a spokesperson, "Drag Racing on Shabbat, Bread Factory for Passover, and lets not forget McDonalds Monday!"

Analysts project the Kofer Party to nominate its first ever Heretic for a StuCo office later this year.

HURRICANE SANDY: An Update

BROOKLYN, NY -- After five days in the dark, the Hillel Update's offices have finally reopened in a temporary location of Kings County, NY. The Update has taken whatever space is available in the area, renting the back room of Benny's Pizza on Avenue J and a midrash from Beth Torah Synagogue on Ocean Parkway.

"We didn't really want to relocate to Brooklyn," said Editor-in-Chief Lrr Matalon, "especially after how they screwed us in the summer," he continued as he showed reporters into his temporary office, behind the counter of 16 Handles, "but they were warm and receptive of us. And most of all, they had power, something we didn't." The Update offices are plugged into the NYC power grid and established an encrypted connection to the internet via an unsecured network called "linksys."

"We tried building a generator that ran on Cream Cheese, but it didn't work," added Matalon,  "besides, the line for Cream Cheese snakes all the way up 35, down West Park, through Poplar and up the Front Stairwell. Not a pretty sight." Update engineers convened with the best minds in every science class: Physics, Bio and Film. "Psychology isn't a science" said Secretary Jrck Alboucai, also currently in Brooklyn.

The Hillel Update and Hillel Herald consolidated their efforts in reporting school closings the night before the storm. Herald Editor Jason Gindi spearheaded the #HillelStormWatch Twitter Campaign from his home in New Jersey. Meanwhile, numerous officials convened in a Hotel Suite in Connecticut, including Matalon, Herald Editor Joe Betesh, Leo Hanono of Y13BQ and some girl named Talia, among various female reporters. After school was officially declared to be closed, Matalon joined Isaac Gartenberg and some other various female reporters for a celebration. Green Tea was served.

Then began the rain.

As the staff from the conference returned home the skies opened up. Everyone spent the next day preparing. On Monday night, the power went out. "I was playing Xbox with some friends," said Matalon, "the usual boys: Felix Ades, Sam Sakkal, Morris Gindi, Jesse Antebi, and Nathan "Brooklyn NayCo" Cohen. It was a nice game of Cops, and then it all ended."

With the power out, a slow exodus to Brooklyn began. Some brave students stayed behind. Matalon joined Ades and Hanono in founding a Valley Forge emergency radio broadcast channel. "Leo and I also visited some disaster sites. Sandy Lane in Eatontown had a lot of downed trees. It was pretty funny." said Matalon. Leo Hanono tells us that Lee Matalon tripped over a tree while walking backwards to get a good picture. No word from Joe Betesh aka @goodpictures.

Student Council President Leon Ebani has not been heard from at all during the crisis. His only school-relevant tweet during the hurricane was parking joke. School Board insiders tell us that a week in Brooklyn "will scare [the students] off of parking for a long time." StuCo representitives responded that it doesn't make a difference as all students plan to park in the designated areas, right? lol

Hurricane Sandy has been a nuisance for some and a nightmare for others. As a majority of Hillelians sit idly in Brooklyn, most homes in NJ are still without electicity. Hillel Central Power & Light (HCP&L) is working around the clock to bring it all back. Jason Gindi, co-chair of the Hillel Storm Watch board noted that "It took everyone's effort. We worked together and survived the worst of it." Stores and Gas stations are slowly opening in New Jersey, as both people with and without power return to their daily lives. "Sandy really showed everyone's true colors," he concluded, "at least on Instagram."

Hillel Update Presents: A Guide To Parking

DEAL, NJ -- Today, the school unveiled a series of new parking rules which left students scratching their heads. The question of this lightpost vs that gate left even the most experienced drivers stumped. To make matters worse, caution tape was placed around the main entrance to the lot, requiring drivers to exit through the emergency exit.

To help confused students navigate the parking lot, Lee Matalon (who doesn't actually have his license) composed a simple list of rules to followed. Those who adhere to the rules will avoid being stickered.

• Students must display a HYHS Parking Permit at all times.

• Students may only park in the back four rows.

• Students may NOT park facing the Ashkenaz shul.

• Students may NOT park IN the Ashkenaz shul.

• Former MAYHS students with a valid Class J Ashkenaz Permit may park in the shul's lot.

• Cars must display a blue decal on the top left corner of their plates. I don't know, figure it out.

• Backing into spots is strictly prohibited.

• It is prohibited to pop the trunk between the hours of 8:06AM and 5:04PM.

• All cars must have a red racing stripe painted on the left door.

• Students named Zack may not drive red cars.

• All motors must be running during Chumash.

• No motors may be running during Navi.

• German vehicles must park at the 7-Eleven on Deal Road.

• Mirrors must be folded in on Wednesday.

• Hardtops must be removed for Minhah.

• All Jeeps must display a "Coexist" bumper sticker.

• Abie Matut must also display a "Coexist" bumper sticker. Nice try.

• Students may not drive between 6:00AM and 11:00PM

• Students born on Tuesday, Friday or Saturday may not carry spare tires.

• Students born on Sunday must carry three spare tires.

• No Infiniti G37's may be parked next to each other.

• All 1998 Vehicles must be painted bright yellow (We're looking at you Felix).

• Oil changes are mandatory on Rosh Hodesh at the student's expense

• Students on National Honor Society must display their NHS Certificate in the window.

• Students with Four Wheel Drive may not apply to Brookdale.

• V6 Engines are prohibited on Thursday.

• Convertibles will be confiscated from students and given directly to teachers.

• Students named Daniel Teren may not drive. Ever.

• Students may not park in the lot and order Dougies in the same week.

• Students in Y10 and Y11 may park wherever they want in the JCC lot.

• Students in Y12 are permitted to park on Saka Field during Arbit.

• Students who are taking Film AND Forensics may park anywhere.

• Students in AP Physics may not accelerate in the parking lot.

• Romney bumper stickers are prohibited.

• Vehicles may not have more than 3 wheels.

• Students in Y13 may not leave Barley in their cars.

• Airplanes may not be parked anywhere. Helicopters are OK though.

• Just kidding. No Helicopters either.

• Students who got a 5 on AP Chem may park in Administrator spots.

• Students must remove steering wheels before going out to lunch.

• Doors must be unlocked during schoolwide Halacha tests. 

•  Tires must be deflated during Shema 

•  Tires must be inflated during the Amidah 

•  Students must engage parking brake during lunch. 

•  Students must honk horns every time the bell rings.

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I think you get the idea.

Students Miss Seminar

PISCATAWAY, NJ -- Today was the much anticipated annual Hillel Seminar in the Piscataway Holiday Inn. For some reason, nobody showed up. The HYHS office blames the PTA Calendar for not having it listed. The PTA blames the office for not making flyers. The office said in a statement, "the copier was broken." The Seminar was fully planned from early August by the Student Council.

"This was THE year to come" said VP Ricky "Ricky-Ricky" Tawil. "We had great events and speakers planned, and nobody signed up. It was going to be the best Seminar ever. And its ruined. We had sick advisers this year: Raymond Chalme, David Winitsky, Al Sultan, Saka, Elvis, Batman -- you name it -- they were all there."

"We finally got a Midrash without Christmas decor" said Treasurer Jack "Ellen DeGeneres" Alboucai, the official Seminar Hazzan, "It was Halloween stuff. But still, that's not a religious holiday day, so we lucked out." They didn't even have a minyan anyway, "we had to convert some Chinese guests from the 5th floor." Jacob Cohen was not present, although three of his uncles were.

"The speakers were top notch this year, commented President Leon "Theres My President!" Ebani. "Gilad Shalit was set to speak on his way back from Magen David before going to Israel." Mr. Shalit showed up, but left early when nobody was there. "Do you know what kind of strings we had to pull to get him? It would have been impossible if we didn't have connections" said Ebani, speaking of David "Derb" Cohen, the captain of the Israel trip and a family friend of the Shalits.

"Comedy was great this year" said Secretary Lee "Lrr You Can't Behave In A Lab" Matalon, "we had three hours of skits, songs, dances and videos. And that's not the half of if. We brought in Joel "Jeff" Chasnoff to do one of his routine. And of course, we had the world famous hypnotist Burnout Bill. He even brought his special touching hand!"

"The music was great too" said StuCo Advisor Gail "Unpaid" Mizrahi, reading a teleprompter, "we had a killer lineup. Rabbi Glicksman, Train, One Direction, Y13BQ, Chip Skylark, the Maccabeats, fun., Coldplay, Saka Charles, Lil Wayne, the Arcade Fire, Matisyahu, the Rolling Stones, Kasabian, Queen, Nicki Minaj, DJ Lrr, Avicii, Usher, Spinal Tap, and the Artist Formerly Known As Devorah Wittels. Bamboozle was jealous."

The Student Council was baffled as to why everyone would miss such a good SemiNar. Even the students of Leadership Seminar were absent, causing critics to ask, "where are my leaders?" Analysts commented that "most Hillelians were busy with other things. The SAT is on Sunday. Some kids have sports games. And then there's always Lost Season 3."

Hey guys. Just realized I never uploaded the "Rebuilding Rabbi" video from last year's SemiNar. Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbLUSsZeZeQ

SPORTS: Saka Charles To Retire From Temple Run

DEAL, NJ -- Notable Sephardic Cantor and Hillel graduate Saka Charles announced on Instagram late this evening that he'd be "officially retiring from temple run." Mr. Charles' sudden withdrawal from the major leagues came as a surprise to many, especially after setting a recent world record: 20,120,072 points.

Saka began competing in early 2011. His career began not in Temple Run, but in Flick Home Run, which he thought was actually called "Smack Home Run Derby." His early days were spent begging Morris "Not A" Cohen for a turn on the latter's iPhone. Although his Navi teacher tried convincing him to play Angry Birds, Saka had found his calling. Mr. Charles was then using a flip phone manufactured by his company, CHARLESAR. He soon moved up to the big leagues and got an iPhone, and his career took off.

"We're sad to see Mr. Charles retire" said President Leon Ebani, "he was a vibrant part of Hillel's athletic culture. He was to sports as Al was to Chemistry. Temple Run was his big thing. He thought he was on the Heat, but nobody had the heart to tell him he didn't make the cut. But he's on to bigger and better things."

Mr. Charles and Mr. Ebani

"He tells us he's ready for a more serious career" said Saka's PR agent, "he's had his fun in the big leagues but now he wants to settle down. He wants to pursue a career as a professional Hazzan." Mr. Charles was recently hired to perform a solo Selihot concert at Hillel. At the thought of singing with Saka, four world class Hazzanim showed up on the spot and joined the show.

Saka Charles currently attends Yeshiva University. He rejected a full scholarship from Hillel University, noting that he "wants a legitimate Jewish experience." He recently cracked into the alarm clock business, supplying free samples directly to the HYHS ceilings. He is known for having a different edition of the Rambam than the rest of the class.

"Saka has his own shul now," continued Ebani, "he's going legit." Mr. Charles reportedly is the holiday Hazzan in a house-synagogue. "His retirement from the major leagues is surprising, but his career has just started." A press conference is slated for tomorrow at the CHARLESAR Headquarters in Las Vegas. In attendance will be the current and previous Student Councils, many celebrities, reporters from the Update and reporters from the Ma Nishma. The Hillel Herald will not be present as Pat Monahan's agent has obtained a restraining order.

"Saka was olweez a pleasure to have around, and a great Temple Run player. He will surely be missed in the major leagues" said former President Ovadia Harary, as he boarded the 8:37PM flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas.

BREAKING NEWS: HILLEL HERALD MAKES DUMB JOKE

DEAL, NJ -- As the Global Jewish Community prepares for the most serious and straightforward day of their year, the Hillel Herald had other plans.

A local posek, Rabbi Hillel Updatowitz, commented on the general custom. "Yom Kippur is a downright serious day. We bow before Hashem. We pray directly at the open ark. We blow a Shofar and cry. It's a day of affliction to the soul -- no eating or drinking. No handwashing. No leather shoes. No smearing creams, and no [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]. Thus, we must prepare our souls in a most serious way."

But the Hillel Herald isn't prepared.

Instead, it prefers to make jokes. Specifically, references to Train's "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" -- a song with the line, "How could you leave on Yom Kippur." Inappropriate? Rabbi Updatowitz said its "downright a  chutzpah."

At 9:39AM, Update editor-in-chief Lee Matalon tweeted as @leematalon:

"If I hear ONE Train joke this holiday..." 

Shortly thereafter, at 10:22AM, the Hillel Herald's tweeted (no link -- don't bother following them):

"If my girlfriend leaves tomorrow I'm gonna be soooo [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]! #50Ways"

"Yeah, my 'warning' was sarcastic" said Matalon, "and yeah, the joke is obvious," he continued, "but I tweeted it first. But everyone knows that, so it doesn't bother me. The fact is, however, that I played the irony card. I made fun of how obvious the joke is, and how overused it will be. They just posted the joke itself. So which is clever and which is dumb? Up to you."

VP Ricky Tawil, a well known Train fan, sent a heartwarming message to Train on twitter (@rickytawil):

"@train I hope none of your wives and girlfriends leave you on Yom Kippur tomorrow!"

After seeing the Herald's previous tweet, he realized his holiday wishes might be conveyed as a dumb joke and clarified, "Great, now it looks like I stole the Hillel Herald's Train joke." He further clarified, "I was inspired by a Lee Matalon tweet."

Critics are raising all sorts of questions. "Should the official Hillel newspaper be dating? It is an Orthodox school." Some people wondered why a newsletter even HAS a girlfriend -- after all, it is a piece of paper. But critics agree: IT WAS A DUMB JOKE.

Rabbi Updatowitz has agreed not to put the Herald in cherem if they agree to stop with the dumb jokes. They were also instructed to stop with the dumb noises. Update editor Lee Matalon has decided not to get angry about the dumb joke. "Whatever," said Matalon, "I'll take the high road like I should."

New Ice Age Dawns On Hillel

NORTH POLE, NJ -- Ya cold? Most likely, thanks to what students call a New Ice Age in Hillel.

A freshman.

Most students and faculty blame the air conditioning. The eagle-eyed Hillelian will notice a little box hanging from the ceiling in each classroom, designed to keep the school at a moderate temperature. Students in Y13 wore everything from short sleeves to a double hoodie, but everybody reported to be freezing. One Junior commented, "It's a little nippy in here." Students were discouraged from sticking their tongues to metal not because of the temperature, but because its a fast day.

But life in Hillel continued in spite of the chill. Everyone does their part to keep life going. Mock Trial has been disbanded and a new "Caribou Hunting" club founded in its place. Memphis has been relocated to Vancouver. The Student Council shut down Friday Sundaes and opened a Soup Kitchen. Gym unveiled a new game called "Cold Play."

Wonder of wonders, a single Ivrit class is hot. Located in the corner of the second floor, students walked in and immediately warmed up. The sun shone through the windows and everybody removed their hoodies. The students began pressing their bodies against said windows and absorbing the sunlight. "Its like I went from the South Pole to Ecuador" said Derb the Great.

AP Physicians are stumped as to what would cause this Ice Age. The class wanted to consult the hot weather experts of the school: Syrians. Unfortunately there were no Syrians around because apparently everyone is Egyptian today. But not everyone is interested in solving the problems. Some teachers just ignore complaints. In one class, a student yelled "I'M FREEZING!" to which the teacher responded "No I We Me None Of That."

NFL Opening; Hillelians Mourn

DEAL, NJ -- Its a warm September Sunday as students of Hillel prepared for what would have been definitely the biggest sports event since Memphis. Today is the opening day of the National Foosball League, or NFL for short. But alas, there is no Foosball in Hillel. The table is broken.

Foosball was invented one September in the 1800s as an act of fate. Andrew S. Foos and Nathaniel Ralph Boll were merchants across the street from one another in Boston. Mr. Foos sold Billiard tables, and Mr. Boll sold Soccer nets. One day, while rushing home for Shabbat, the men crashed into eachother. "Hey," said Foos, "you got your Soccer in MY Billiards!" Boll replied, "You got your Billiards in MY Soccer!" The following Sunday, the men put their heads together, and the "Foos-Boll Entertainment Table" was born.

Foosball was the second most popular sport in Hillel, trumped only by swimming. Tied for third place were the JV Heat and Girls' Soccer teams.

Hillel has owned a single dilapidated Foosball table for years now. In its most glorious years, it was dominated by big-city boss Uriya Teharani. The soda-selling corporate giant made the table his personal playground, tearing through any opponent -- student and teacher alike. But it got to be too much. Opponents would lift the table on an angle, in an attempt to score against Teharani. Lost balls would be hushowed from the neighboring ping-pong stadium. The wood of the table's legs began to split. The handles came loose. The table fell apart.

In early 2011, the Student Council cut funding to both the Foosball and Ping-Pong franchises. Hillel sports fell into ruin. Ovadia Harary was unavailable for comment, as he was busy being a resident of Georgia. But the new Student Council had something else in mind. A representative comments, "Table sports need a comeback. We've brought back funding to the Table-Tennis franchise. You heard it, ping-pong is back." The council announced a new net for the table, and possibly a ball-and-paddle rental service.

A StuCo member fixing the Ping Pong table with 3/8in ratchet  and a 10mm socket

But before school even started, an 11th grade petition demanded the return of Foosball as well. Juniors threatened to occupy the Shalom Lounge until a change is made, but lol nobody cares about those anymore.

"We can't support a sport being dominated by corporate bosses" commented VP Tawil in an official statement, "private soda corporations take business from the Box, and we need to raise money for Israel." Junior Jason Gindi shouted, "hey, you're not even a senior!" Treasurer Alboucai retorted "nah, he's older than me." When Gindi questioned what that had to do with anything, Secretary Matalon responded "Ricky, Ricky." Governor Sultan was unavailable to comment as he was busy being Al.

So in 2012, Hillelians continue to mourn the death of Foosball as a sport. The table may never be fixed, but the game continues in our hearts.

First Day Sees Spike in Toreh uMiswot

DEAL, NJ -- The first day of school has passed. Hillel students have returned to their studies. (Ilan students have returned to whatever they do during the day). One student, Eric Vaknin, 12th grade, commented, "rrrAL!" Jacob Sitton, 11th grade, added, "stappity stapp stapp kay?" Sunblock sales are down, but Cream Cheese sales are up. The hallways quiet down.

The international organization Rabbis Without Borders (fr.: Rabbins Sans Frontières) -- a body which monitors global Judaic Studies -- released its annual summer statistic on Toreh uMiswot (heb.: תורה ומצוות, ar.: وصايا التوراة). This graph is released every summer for Yeshibot to improve their Talemud Toreh (en.: The Teaching of Torah). The released statistic spans late June through early September, charting the total Toreh uMiswot of each week.

The released graph spans 0-110 and is called the Alfieh Scale, named after Rabbis Without Borders founder Yair Alfieh. The 7 weeks preceding September average an A:10.2 on the Alfieh Scale. On September 5th, the data registered at A:98. The instant spike in Toreh uMiswot baffled statisticians everywhere. Theorists explained that the jump is due to the first day of school at Hillel Yeshiva HS, a school known for its legendary Talemud Toreh and 'Assiyat Miswot (en.: the doing of Miswot).

But the is not what shocked the statisticians most.

September 5th registered an A:98 on the Alfieh Scale.

"If Hillel students are so amazing with Toreh uMiswot," said Israeli analyst Yaron Feldbaum, "how come the data was so low during the weeks of the summer?" Nobody could answer the question. Nobody except Bill James.

Bill James, baseball writer and Sabremetrics professor, looked at the statistic for three minutes and synthesized a hypothesis. "It appears," according to Mr. James, that Toreh uMiswot "are not a CAUSE of, but an EFFECT of, On Base Percentage," When the Rabbis questioned his logic, he admitted he was just holding a 1993 Orioles stat card upside down. "I don't know," responded James, "go ask Malcolm Gladwell."

Mr. Gladwell was very excited to be interviewed by the Hillel Update, and finally "have [his] work printed in something legitimate." Before the Update reporter could present the data, Gladwell jumped into his own theories, including how Ruckuses tip, and his "personal favorite, the Six Degrees of Bagels." When presented with the above graph, Gladwell admitted that he "doesn't exactly" know how to read.

Writer Rory Stewart was out to lunch. All out of 11th grade summer reading jokes, the reporters, rabbis, statisticians and analysts headed over to the Rutgers dorm of their last hope. The knocked, and knocked, and knocked, and eventually kicked in the door, to find the occupant playing Pokemon on his Gameboy Color. Mr. Sultan looked up and greeted them. 

Al Sultan greets the reporters, rabbis, statisticians and analysts.

Al calmly explained the phenomenon to the group. "The spike is quite common" said the Rutgers student and  Nobel laureate. "Hillel students drive themselves to the edge learning Toreh and doing Miswot, but during the summer, they do not attend school and thus, unfortunately, not much of either accumulates." The simple explanation made sense, yet a solution was still needed.

Al, the reporters, the rabbis, the statisticians, Abdul-Haq and the analysts all traveled to the headquarters of the Global Judaic Committee in Pasadena, California. There, the rabbis of the world spent the night debating solutions. Argument ensued. At one point, the Chief Rabbi of Switzerland claimed that Kibbe was just "a glorified meat knish." The Chief Rabbis of Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Elberon immediately left, disgusted. After hours of heated debate, the delegates existed the room with a written amendment to the Toreh prepared.

"As many of you may know," began the Rabbi General, "Toreh uMiswot declines during the weeks of the summer. The problem is not lack of education, but a break in education. Which is why we have approved Toreh amendment #2044-c. It goes into effect June 13, 2013." The Rabbi General continued, "in light of the decline of Toreh uMiswot during the summer months, this law shall hereby establish a principle which states that, although it may be a vacation from school, it's not, and never will be, a vacation from Hashem."

Have a great year everyone!

-eds.

HILLEL ARMY LIBERATES CAMPS, BROOKLYN RETREATS

DEAL, NJ -- 'The Oyz-bayz are fighting back! Its the beginning of the end!" shouted an ecstatic mother as she clutched the hand of her Pre-K Hillelian.

Early this week, the Hillel Army pushed forward and liberated the camps. What they found was frightening. A Hillel Soldier who rushed Ultimate Sports Camp, one Leo Hanono, gave the following description: "children were running everywhere with no supervision. The food was not fit for humans. From every corner of the camp, you could hear the commander yelling: "TAWIL! SUTTON! I TOLD YOU GUYS TO STAY WITH YOUR KIDS! NO, DON'T GIVE ME THAT FOURSQUARE NONSENSE. ONE MORE AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! TAWIL, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU GONNA ROLL YOUR EYES? YOU'RE FIRED. NO, I DON'T CARE. TAKE YOUR BAG AND GET OUT. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT."

Ultimate Sports Camp was built on the Campus of Hillel University, on the grounds of Hillel Yeshiva. In the building, liberation armies met with the local resistance: an underground group known in code as the "Hadjed Counselors." There, the unified force proceeded to liberate the remainder of the camps.

The 183rd "Goon Crew" regiment was the first to set foot on Camp David soil. They began the assault after receiving tips from an inside man -- and a bunch of parents. The Hillel Army was assisted by rebel armies. Both the Blue Team and the iPads fought side by side to help free the camp.

The army considered liberating Camp Ora, but decided not to, and focus their resources to more desperate areas, and besides, camp ora sucks lol.

Labor Day 2012 became known as Victory in Jersey Day, or V-J Day. Brooklyn forces retreated en-masse to their home state of New York. Tanks from the 19th Long Branch Armored rolled down Norwood, cheered on by Jersey residents, both Jew and non-Jew alike. Generals of both sides met to discuss terms of surrender. The treaty was signed on September 3rd, 2012 at 5:24PM, on the Outerbridge Crossing.

President Ebani announced the closure of the war to the press, completing his promise of "victory by Labor Day" with a margin of zero.

Now begin the War Trials. A War Crimes Court has been established. It is presided over by delegates from West Deal, Eatontown, Hathaway, Deal, Park Avenue, Cedar Avenue, West Long Branch and Temple Beth-El shuls. Camp Allsport is first on trial for war crimes. Victims of the camp claim that "it doesn't really offer ALL sports. Its kinda more like Camp SOMEsport."

War On Brooklyn Rages, Reinforcements Arrive

EATONTOWN, NJ -- The war on Brooklyn rages on. Enemy forces have overrun Deal, and the formal police force is at its wit's end. Norwood Avenue has been quarantined as a hot zone, with advisory being placed on avoiding the stretch. Locals do not find problem with the warning, saying "nobody eats at Slices anyway." The police officers have been maintaining few outposts and issuing many tickets, but cannot hold out much longer.

The Hillel Army's force is resisting, but still needs help. Senior Aaron Bailey has recently travelled to Israel for diplomatic relations, these "ILEAD Accords" will soon be made public. The Hillel Army and their enemy invaders have often clashed on the basketball court and in other tournaments. Many casualties resulted from the historic Battle of High Heat.

Resistance fighters met last shabbat at the home of Raquel "RaqTeb" Tebele to discuss tactics. The Hillel fighters were glad to find that reinforcements had arrived. Special divisions have been deployed from Texas, Philadelphia and Israel. 

An IDF Operator, who will remain only known by his codename "Bervis' Cousin" is working with his comrade Leo Hanunu to apply an Israeli theory called the "Non-Engagement Tactical Assault," or NETA. This tactic was developed by a rogue agent and IDF traitor. Jonathan "Benedict Arnold" Zehavi was an IDF General deployed to Hillel, who deserted the military and now fights for Flatbush.

A special forces commander from Texas has also landed in Deal to help the cause. VP Ricky Tawil said in a statement, "We requested a general who was Five Star, and they sent somebody from the Beren Stars. I don't know. Ovadia made the phone call. Whatever." 

Rumors are circulating about planning a "D-Day Invasion." Admiral Alboucai of the Navy claims it would involve "hitting all 5 beaches at once: Loch Arbour, Hathaway, Asbury, Darlington and Bradley Beaches."

BROOKLYN DECLARES WAR ON DEAL, YESHIVAS SCRAMBLE TO ARMS

DEAL, NJ -- It came as a shock to the residents of Deal. This Friday afternoon, the Brooklyn Army suddenly made a mad dash across the Outerbridge and stormed the boarder into Deal. The charge was led by the Armored Division -- a brigade of Mercedes and Audi tanks which mercilessly rammed through the quiet streets of our fair burg. Deal's militia -- the NJ State Police -- could not hold back what one State Trooper called "an army of extremely obnoxious Jews."

After securing a foothold and defeating the State Troopers, the Brooklynites retreated to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge to regroup. Strategists were baffled. "It's nearly impossible for Magen and Flatbush to settle their differences and fight together" said State Trooper Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Some claim that Magen David is trying to make a buffer zone before it moves on to the world.

Leaders were quickly assembled. They met in Hubert's mop closet, which doubles as a bomb shelter. In the  bunker, the Student Council argued for two hours on what to order from Dougies, when VP Ricky Tawil stood up and said, "If we don't act fast, there won't BE a Dougies left!" The members quickly agreed that destroying Dougies would be the best move, but they needed to focus on the issue at hand: the looming Brooklyn invasion. They soon decided to deploy the Hillel Defense Forces.

An artist's sketch of the meeting. (No cameras allowed)
From Left: Ebani, Matalon, Alboucai, Tawil, Harary, Ades, Dweck

Secretary Lee Matalon, head of the Air Force, and Treasurer Jack Alboucai, head of the Navy, met to plan the battle. Matalon said in a statement, "Each soldier's orders, uniform, weapon and radio is in his koracha." The army was told to prepare for a full scale invasion.

"Hillel's Army is our last hope" said Student Council President Leon Ebani, addressing the Deal Community from West Deal Shul. "We don't want these enemies in our country. We can't let them win. We can't let them walk down OUR Norwood Avenue, leave their bikes outside OUR Slices, crowding OUR Loch Arbour. Deal is OURS!" He was then quietly ushered to his seat by the Rabbi.

The army is expected to take out their weapons when they open their korachas every day. They were deployed Monday at 12:05 PM after the basic training written test. Soldiers scattered through deal. Some units, such as the 74th "MAYHS Monsters" regiment, went as far as East Brunswick. The soldiers have been ordered not to retreat. President Ebani has already promised "victory by Labor Day."

HYHS Elects New Student Council

DEAL, NJ -- The results are in! Hillel Yeshiva students recently voted on new members for Student Council. The seven positions -- President, Male & Female Vice President, Male & Female Secretary, Male & Female Treasurer -- are now all occupied by new members.

Leon Ebani is now the President. He completely ad-libbed his speech, writing "speak from the heart" on a piece of paper. The Ebani Administration hopes to "revolutionize the bagel system" among many unannounced projects.

Ricky Tawil was elected Vice President, unopposed. He did not campaign, nor did he give a speech. He is known for working the box and on seminar.

Odette Ades was elected Vice President, unopposed. She is yet to contact us with a statement.

Lee Matalon was elected Secretary, on the platform of FUN. He promises that "the Update will  never become a state controlled publication."

Mariel Dweck was elected Secretary. She hopes to bring an end-of-day Meeting period so seniors can leave early -- something assured by administration "will not happen."


Jack al-Boucai was elected Treasurer, unopposed. His campaign was based on "winning the Syrian way: unopposed." He narrowly beat Al Sultan and Sharpe James.

Shira Harary was elected Treasurer, promising new programs for both boys and girls. Rumors are circulating that she will cancel the Ivrit department.

Former President Ovadia Harary was recently arrested for a court-packing scheme. No details have been released, but more information is to follow.

Hillel To Offer SemiNar Class

DEAL, NJ -- "The Seniors just can't get enough" VP-Elect Ricky Tawil, "they love SemiNar." Hillel's SemiNar weekend is known to be dominated by the Seniors, who run circles, comedy and ruckus. "Something had to be done to appease them." Hillel Yeshiva HS will, for the first time in history, be offering a class fully dedicated to SemiNar.

"It's technically called 'Leadership Seminar,'" said a student who has applied for the class. "We don't really know what the class is about. But it sounds cool. And hey: SemiNar." It is still unknown who will be teaching the class. Students have pestered various administrators and extracted tidbits of information: there supposedly will be a lot of reading. The teacher is could be new to Hillel, and may have around 35 years of experience.

A curriculum portfolio was leaked by the aforementioned portfolios. The class will be covering all aspects of SemiNar. It is to be taught in 7 units: Intro to SemiNar, Hazzanut, Circles, Sessions, Comedy and Ruckus, and will be divided into a Part A (SemiNar Attendance) and Part B (SemiNar Planning). Each unit will have a guest speaker and a test.

Intro to SemiNar is the longest unit, spanning September through December. It covers general semiNar etiquette -- the ins and outs of being a student on  SemiNar . "Students," according to the curriculum, "will learn the basic rules of going on  SemiNar : the songs, the games, the ruckus tactics, etc." Tests will be administered in September, October and November. Students will not be tested in December, but instead receive a participation grade on SemiNar itself. The midterm in January will cover all of this material. (Part A). Speaking will be Burnout Bill himself.

Hazzanut is the shortest unit and covers the basics of being a Hazzan on SemiNar. Students will be given the skills to read the Torah eloquently, as well as to choose the right tunes for Nakdishach. This short unit will be taught in early January. Its material will be tested on the Midterm. The planned guest speaker is Saka Charles.

Circles is the unit for February. Students will learn all of the songs in the SemiNar booklet, including 'Puff the Kosher Dragon' and 'Shake It Up Zaide' (PAGE 10, SONG 26). They are expected to know when to initiate what song -- essentially, which are fast and slow. Additionally, they'll learn how to run a singing circle. The guest speakers will be Me and Ze Boys.

Sessions will the taught in March. The topic of said unit is how to deliver successful SemiNar sessions. Every student is expected to be able to run a session, and toac a speech after learning the topic 3 minutes earlier. Miscellaneous lessons such as arranging chairs and making posters are included. The speaker is a mystery Reebay (Mystereebay).

Comedy in April will discuss the all important aspect of Saturday night SemiNar entertainment. Students will make videos, assemble skits and learn dances. Additionally, they will experience an authentic all-nighter, called "SemiNar Thursday" by those in the know. The SemiNar Thursday project will have students broken up into groups of three. Each student will be assigned either a skit, video or dance to make. The group must then collaborate to have a Saturday Night show ready by 5:00 AM. Albert Tawil will be guest-speaking.

Ruckus is the long awaited final unit of the class, taught in May. Students are taught how to prepare for a SemiNar ruckus. Skills include stealing pillows and making water balloons out of shower caps. They are also taught how to maintain a constant speed while running, and tips for causing as much collateral damage as possible. Students are expected to display a minimum Love of Hashem. Speaking will be Dr. Nathan Cohen, YmD (Young Magen Doctorate).

The final exam will test only on the second half of the year. The first part of the two part test is multiple choice. The second part is ruckus demonstration. Anyone who gets above a 65 is invited to be an adviser for the coming year's SemiNar.

"In short," said an administrator, "it's a great idea."

President Ovadia Harary Bids Hillel A Fairwell

DEAL, NJ -- The end of the year is upon us. With the great Color War over, the Ovadia Administration is packing up its things to depart. The new election season is soon to begin. Many faces, new and old, are making their appearances on the ballot. But before these aspiring politicians take the stage, Ovadia Harary's student council must bid its fairwell to Hillel.

"We had some amazing events this year" Mr. Harary released to the press. "Dodgeball hit a new high this year, with many more students in attendance than last year. But it also had that personal touch, when a certain dark green 'Reebay' ran across the line and started hitting people with the ball -- he thought that was the object of the game."

PresiVadia had a number of people to thank for the successes of his administration. "Joyce Cohen, Lilly Tebele and Nicole Vaknin did a phenomenal job, as did Edward [Benjamin] and Isaac [Sasson]. They were my cabinet, and they were good at being it." The student council of 2012 will be graduating this year. "I also want to extend my greatest thanks to our 'unofficial' student council members: Leon Ebani, Lee Matalon and Ricky Tawil."

"SemiNar comedy was ridiculously good this year thanks to both our official and unofficial members. Ricky did an amazing job with the videos. Lee, as well, produced some A+ work on his videos and skits. They worked countless hours to pull the whole thing together. The StuCo guys put together a great dance; the girls did a great job with all of the behind the scenes things. I could not have wished for a better team for SemiNar."

Ovadia recalls the night before SemiNar, asking the administration "who was doing the Saturday night comedy. They replied, 'we got this guy named Bill, he's great, don't worry.' Turns out he was the biggest goon in history." Dr. Burnout Bill, HyD (Doctor of Hypnosis), was unable to comment.

"Possibly my biggest political achievement was solving Hillel's hunger problem. If you'll notice, the bagels come on time every day. There is always cream cheese. The box and vending machines are overflowing with product." The situation is indeed much better than that of last year, when Hillel did not actually have a Student Council President.

"Lastly, I want to thank everyone who made it possible. Joyce, Nicole, Lilly, Isaac, Edward, Lee, Ricky, Leon, Al -- the list could go on. But for now, I bid you farewell." The president was shortly lifted off by a Lebanese Air Force helicopter.

President Ovadia Harary shuttled away by air

Political Differences Cause Failed Senior Pranks

DEAL, NJ -- This week saw the execution of not one, but TWO Hillel Senior pranks. Both were major failures. President Harary is, in both cases, blamed for not diverting enough funding to each prank. Interior officials attribute the lack of funding to "a 50/50 political split" in the House of Rabbisentitives. The House of Rabbisentitives is Hillel's student-run congress, which votes on all taxes and pranks.

"We had funding for a great prank" said speaker of the House for the Ovadia Administration, "but the congress couldn't agree. It was an even split between both parties." The two parties, the conservative Rabbipublicans and the liberal Democrabbis, hotly debated the prank for weeks before a settlement was reached.

The Rabbipublicans wanted a traditional prank. Their plan proposed wiring up noisemaking devices to the loudspeaker, and flooding the school with sirens at a specific time. "We needed money to hire technicians to hack the loudspeaker. It's a classic prank, and always a winner," said Rabbipublican majority leader Nathan Betesh.

The Democrabbis wanted a departure from the traditional. They proposed the "Art Heist Plan." "We want to steal every piece of artwork -- every poster in the school -- and make a giant papier-mâché tower on the roof. We needed supplies." said Deomcrabbi leader Jared Gopin. "Ovadia refused to give us full funding, and we needed to buy a lot of glue."


A solution was eventually reached: PresiVadia would divide the funding equally in half, and allow both groups to initiate their plans.

Betesh continued, "so we scaled down he prank a bit. Instead of rigging the clocks to the loudspeaker, we just put them in every classroom. It didn't work very well, because the Administration found out. Besides, even when the clocks went off, half of the classes didn't know it was a prank, and the other half didn't care." Rumor has it that many of the alarm clocks were donated by the Charles family.

Gopin said in a statement, "we also had to scale our prank down. We didn't have enough money to steal all the art, so we decided to steal the plaque from the Art History class instead. We had it for about 20 minutes, and a squirrel ran off with it. We were going to return it." The Democrabbinic Party has taken fire for stealing and losing the plaque. "It not our fault."

Rumor has it that the Freshmen tried to start a "freshman prank" by stealing their bagels for a week. "But we shouldn't worry about it" said Ovadia, "nobody else really eats Cinnamon Raisin."

AP Chemistry Excels In Studies

WEST DEAL, NJ -- Today was the beginning of AP week. This morning saw the AP Chemistry test, the forefront of Hillel's science curriculum. Afterwards was the AP Psychology, following the AP tradition of "one science test a day." The Psychology class was well prepared, but the class of focus will be AP Chem. "We weren't expecting to do well" said senior Mitch Parker, "especially since we didn't learn molarity."

But that was not the case. As soon as the exam finished, the answer sheets were rushed by truck to the AP Chemistry grading center in Far Rockaway, NY. These papers were the first to be graded. The test consists of a Multiple Choice section -- scantron graded, and 6 free response questions, graded by hand. The free response topics included [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY] and [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY], as well as [CENSORED BY OFFICE OF TESTING INTEGRITY].

"We fed the answers into the machine," said College Board spokeswoman Sarah Casanova, "and it practically exploded! Twelve perfect scores in a row, from one school, its unheard of!" Casanova dispatched agents to Hillel to give the Chem students stickers that read "5" and pencils that read "Star Student of the Week." Graders were baffled with how well this one class did. "The machine graded one superb test by a student named 'rrrAl,' and a siren went off. Next thing we know, there was confetti everywhere, and the machine awarded him a Nobel Prize!"

"Our secret," said chem student Jrck Alboucai, "is how prepared we were for the test. We had two periods every single day, except Friday and Wednesday. We stayed until 7:30 twice a week. We even hired a second chemistry teacher to make sure we were good to go. We were so ready, she didn't even bother giving us packets." A problem occurred with Alboucai's score, and the Office of Testing Integrity is still debating whether he got a 6 or 7.

"Our AP class is the best," says student Ovadia Harary, "we have everything. We have Sunday reviews in the library. We have our own Theme Song. Heck, we even have our own private train." This train has been coming since September. It arrived at 9:28AM today, and then, after 8 months, the train left. Teachers were asked how often a student like Al had to study to win his Nobel Prize. The general consensus was that "he does it everyday."

The one student who did not do well on the test was Steven F. Jemal. Also known as "Airhead Steve," "Jamal Stevens," "That Jamal Kid," or simply "Steven F.," he switched out of AP chem after the first week. He requested to have his scores cancelled, and did not take the test. He reportedly makes a living taking SATs for people. The Office of Testing Integrity "suspected him of taking the AP Chemistry Exam for other classmates" so they forced him out of the class.

The students are now enrolled in a more advanced course, Post-Advanced Placement Chemistry, known a PAP Chem. The students of PAP Chem are learning all of the rigors of second year college course. The subjects include Ice Cream, Titrations, and a 10 page research paper on the Octomom.

YMD Seminar: Freshmen To Go Pantless

PISCATAWAY, NJ -- With YMD SemiNar around the corner, Hillelians all over the globe are psyched for the annual big shabbaton of the spring. Reports say that Jeff Epstein, Morris Hanono, Yvette Halawani and others have been working round the clock to deliver "a kick-abboh weekend." The event will be held at the Radisson in Piscataway NJ, the Official Home of Asher Marks. The event was originally planned for the Ramada, but Hillel is officially banned after David Abraham's lawsuit a few years back.

"Its like a second Hillel SemiNar. Kinda like Spring SemiNar, if you will," said junior Joe Epstein, "and I will". YMD SemiNar is known for being a weekend of fun, singing and ruckussing. YMD SemiNar is known for getting 5 more people than last year's SBH SemiNar. YMD SemiNar is known for its inspirational speakers, divre torah (what?) and themes. But most importantly, YMD SemiNar is known for giving everybody an awesome pair of sweatpants at the end.

"But this year," said a YMD coordinator, "we're making YMD Sweatpants mandatory dress code for everybody."

YMD's policy dictates that the sweatpants cannot be given out until Sunday morning. "To evade the obvious issue," said the coordinator, "we are permitting students to wear sweatpants from past SemiNars." All attendees will be required to wear sweatpants from last year's YMD SemiNar. "On Sunday, they will have the option of switching to our new sweatpants, or keeping on their old ones."

Senior Jared "Tzvi" Gopin points out a major flaw: "what about the freshmen, who don't have old sweatpants?" YMD replied, with the following protocol updates.

Dear YMD attendees, we hope you are all ready for what is sure to be a kick-abboh weekend. Some of you have brought to our attention a minor problem with our new dress code. The law in question is the requirement of wearing YMD sweatpants at all time. Many have questioned how this will apply to freshmen. The answer is simple. Although it violates many Hillel rules, the freshmen will be permitted to go pantless on the semiNar. They may hide their legs under the tablecloth during meals. For Shaharit, they may wear their talets around their waists like a skirt. (Any attendee WITHOUT a talet will receive a refund, and be escorted to NCSY Regional immediately). Underwear is mandatory at all times. We look forward to seeing you! --The YMD team

In summary, the freshmen shall not be required to wear pants on the SemiNar. YMD Staff has already assured the Update that they will "keep the thermostat in the upper ranges."

Finally, YMD has communicated that they will keep "emergency pants" within 30 seconds' running distance of all freshmen in case Burnout Bill decides to show up. "You know Burnout Bill. He shows up on SemiNars and takes out his 'special feeling hand.'" YMD cannot reveal any of their comedy or speakers, but assure us that "it's bound to be a touching SemiNar."

Local Blog Celebrates 6 Months

DEAL, NJ -- On November 2nd, 2011, a Hillel junior named Lee Matalon decided to launch a newspaper. The topic of the publication would be no-nonsense reporting of news of his school, Hillel Yeshiva. Word soon got out that Hillel was launching the Herald, a successor to the one-issue HL News. He decided that the best way to direct this publication was in a satirical direction, and to the internet.

"Paper is expensive" said Matalon, "and that's why its online. Also, if I created it in paper format, it might spread too quickly and be its own downfall. So I decided to let it slowly build up its own popularity." At exactly 6:13 PM (unplanned!), the first article was posted. It was about bagels. "I reread that article every now and then. Its short, and way below my current standards."

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS
"I entered the year with a DroidX, which I had since Hanukkah. Lies. I lost my DroidX in Israel, and got a new one. Like other past online ventures, I got extremely excited with all of these new ideas. That night, while lying in bed, I posted a second article on my phone. The next day, during lunch, I posted the third. It was utter crap. I realized that I shouldn't rush these things, or it'll just blow up in my face."

That particular article was pretty much a Y13 inside joke about Torah that only Jesse Rothstein (partially) got. "Shtut was not really a funny concept after all."

Publicity also became an issue. "Flyers don't really work in school. Not even the SBH flyers accomplish what they mean to. Speaking of mean, MEAN?!" The editor decided to promote the blog solely on his own facebook and twitter. "I left it up to viewers. If they decided to like or retweet, it reflects positively on the blog, and gets the word out."

BECOMING THE DAHAK
"People slowly started noticing. They would come up to me and say, 'that thing is cute' and walk away. I knew what they were talking about." Although the blog was mostly written my Matalon himself, some writers, including the anonymous duo Inc and MYNO contributed articles early on, which helped jumpstart the blog.

"Part of the trick is to tap public in-jokes. For example, I put Shlomo jokes for the Memphis people. There are some older SemiNar references for those who might remember. And there seems to be another AP Chem joke every single day."

"It went from receiving accolades from people who liked it, to receiving death threats from people who wanted to be in it" (laughs). Everyone began wanting their names mentioned in the blog. Common blog-celebrities include President Ovadia Harary, Rabbi Dr. Nathan Betesh, Leo Hanunu, Al "rrrAL" Sultan and Saka Charles. "I remember one day Saka came up to me and said, 'Lee, your latest tweet was funny.' I know he meant the blog, but I didn't care,

WELCOMING THE DIGITAL AGE
With the advent of 2012, the Update staff decided it was time to bring the blog into the future. "Its ironic, because it's already online." In early January, a web-based mobile App was released for the smartphone market. "Its a big gimmick. They only read the blog from their computers anyway."

At the same time, the new logo was debuted. "I wanted something that resembled the Hillel logo, while also satirizing it. The layout was Leon's idea." Leon Ebani, a top executive from Cafe Box, suggested it contain bagels and a laptop to represent the union of Hillel and the Internet, and suggested the slogan "All the news that's fit to bash."

"I liked that idea." The final logo ended up with a Torah scroll on top of the words "Hillel Update;" below these words are two bagels with a tub of cream cheese. This is surrounded by the slogan. Next to the words are a Star of David, and an @-sign, to symbolize the internet. "Ovadia told me that I did it all wrong; 'the bagels should be on top of the Torah, in order of kedushah.'"

SLOUCHING TOWARDS DEAL
Avid readers may remember about a month or so when no articles appeared. In late December, the blog slowed down a bit. "My life was consumed by the blog. But I needed to focus more time on my schoolwork. Finals week was coming." On January 5th, the blog was put on hiatus.

"Midterms went rather smoothly, and I was ready to write 5 minutes after the Math test. But lo and behold, I found myself in the Dominican Republic, 24 hours later." Vacation added a further 10 days to the hiatus. "I was running in a marathon. My feet hurt. Naturally I couldn't type.

On January 30th, the post-vacation article was posted. The cogs were oiled up and the blog began putting out the best quality work, again. "I like hiatuses. It makes for a good return article. It builds anticipation, and it forces me to work doubly hard to bring it back with a bang." The post-vacation, post-Senior Trip and post-Passover articles have been lauded as some of the best ones.

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND
"I didn't think we'd last 6 months. The blog is an unconventional existence, and will probably fade away after my graduation. I can easily find a replacement, but I don't know if I can find one with such devotion to the Update. Its a one of a kind thing."

"But we still have a year to go." For now, the blog will continue pumping out top quality work. "Its a long road, and, fortunately, we're not even halfway there." The blog has received loud praise from students, and silent accolade from teachers, administration, and even parents in the community. "I feel I've established a permanent reputation in the history of this school," finished Matalon.

"One day, I hope the class of 2025 might find an old book called 'The Legends of Hillel,' and read in wonder: Greg the Goalie. The Fate of the Jewish People is In Your Hands. Hillel Update."

Hillel Students Get Lost, Results Hilarious

DEAL, NJ -- Today was a day of lighter tragedy. By coincidence, two students got lost on separate occasions. The first of whom was Al "rrrAAAAAL!" Sultan, and Saka S. Charles. The chaos has launched entire rescue mission and sent the school into disarray. One student commented that the whole situation was "shpilkes."

During the morning's series of Fire Drills, known as "OPERATION: Frrr," the student body was evacuated twice. While organizing the lines, a teacher noticed that Al Sultan was not outside lined up. It was feared that he was still inside the building. "We're pretty sure he's alright," said one StuCo representative, "but lets look at the facts. If anybody would be caught in a burning school, it would be Al." Al was reportedly wearing a new shirt today.

Later, during lunch, it was reported that Saka Charles, heir to the Hillel throne, was "lost somewhere in Trenton." The twitterverse exploded with tweets, and the hashtag #WheresSaka was trending within minutes. Rumors reached the Update that he was carrying Nathan Betesh's Glatt Bite, but that is unconfirmed. The world stood still for 10 minutes until Mr. Charles finally came in the back door to the Shalom Lounge.

"There's a sign on the way that says 'Shore Points,'" explained Charles, "and everybody says you go the way thats not 'Shore Points.' So I went the not 'Shore Points' way. On the way back, I saw the 'Shore Points' sign, and I thought, you're not supposed to go the 'Shore Points' way, so I went the not 'Shore Points' way. Turns out, on the way back, you're supposed to YES go the 'Shore Points' way. I'm so bad at this."

(This Update reporter knows the sign he was talking about, and it actually only reads 'Shore Point' with no pluralization.)

MEANwhile, Al was still lost. The smartest students in the school were called to brainstorm, but they were unavailable. AP Chem was called instead. The idea put forth by Mrthcrll "Mrtch" Prrkrr was to assemble a search party to find the lost student. Following the example of the National Guard, a group of students began playing soldier and assembled a group willing to go. "This is the second time Al got lost," commented Prrkrr, "and we're doing it right this time."

The search party, in uniform

The assembled search party consisted of the AP English (Language) class. The members put on matching Army uniforms, complete with hoods, and set out on the Hillel campus to find Al. Fresh footprints were found on Charles Field, and three students followed them into the forest. They shortly radioed Hillel Base, or H-Base, that they did not find Al, but instead encountered an old enemy -- the Hillel Killer Goose.

The students wandered the building, randomly shouting "rrrrAL! rAL! RRRRaL!" to get the lost student attention. He was eventually located in the "Kaparot" courtyard outside the Purple Doors, a location rarely visited by students. This small enclosure is used to perform the famed "chicken swing" for the ELC, and is used by the HS during fire drills.

"He was asleep on the bench" commented the student who found him.

HBB Financial Plans Leaves Breakfast In Ruins

DEAL, NJ -- As students fill their backpacks for the first day back after Pessah, little do they know they will not receive breakfast the next day. Bagels -- normally a staple of the Hillel Diet -- will not be available on the Monday after break. This is due to some new financial planning at the Hot Bagel Bakery.

The Update sat down with HBB manager Steve Ronaldson to discuss the issue. "For years, the Bakery only opened one night a year -- the night after Passover" said Ronaldson. "They clean us out. We're usually completely sold out within 20 minutes. The line stretches back 50 feet through the door." One HYHS graduate comments, "total scene. Its majnoon."

The Egg ET bagel. An HBB original creation, this best seller is popular with Hillel Students.

Its well known that the Bakery opens at 4AM to produce the bagels. Why, we asked, will there be a shortage? "The answer," continued Ronaldson, "goes to our friend Keynes." John Maynard Keynes was the father of Keynesian Economics. One of his major ideas was that of Deficit Spending, the spending of money a government doesn't have. This creates a national debt, but also stimulates the economy. "We're following the same idea. We're selling the bagels we don't have."

Mr. Ronaldson, along with his neighbors Mr. Adler, and Mr. Atillio worked together all Passover to build a time machine. This amazing device allowed the three to travel forward in time, take all of following week's bagels, and have them back to the store in time for Pessah Havdalah (many customers were camped out since Minhah).

"In order to handle this 'Bagel Debt' we will be unable to provide any bagels for the next week" said HBB Marketing director Jonathan Heft. "Its not that we can't make them. Its that anything we make gets sent back in time.

Pessah 2012: 5 Seder Controversies

DEAL, NJ -- The Pessah Seders have barely left us, and top researchers have already identified the year's biggest scandals.

1. Hummos = Hametz. One of the top issues in Sepharadi homes. Ashkenazi Jews do not eat chickpeas on Pessah (or any beans/legumes for that matter), but Eastern Custom, which worship this dip, have trickier legislation. Many rabbis rule that Hummos is banned on Pessah, as the word Hummos sounds like the word Hametz.

2. Which one is the Marror? A Seder plate will generally have two bitter herbs: Romaine Lettuce and Endive. No family is ever sure which one is the Marror, and which goes in the Korech sandwich. This legendary problem dates back to Egypt itself, where Moses' wife returned from the market with the wrong shopping cart. There is not, and will never be, an answer.

3. Fruity Pebbles This one is sketch. Come on, people.

4. Ishu Zawatak? The third of the great Arabic questions asks "What are you carrying?" After the leader answers "Matzah uMarror" an older relative generally whispers to the person to his right, "we never had this one." Is this question new? Historians like to believe it was originally just part of the dinner conversation back in Halab. But most evidence points the source to the Maxwell House Edition of the Pessah Haggadah, where the question was answered with "Maxwell uMarror."

5. Leave the door open for Eliyahu. Apparently we're supposed to not only leave a cup of wine out for the spirit of Elijah, but we're supposed to leave the door unlocked for him. Never mind that he can just faze through the door, but he probably can't drink everybody's wine either. Nine out of Ten physicians agree he'd be wasted by the time he finishes with Musket Lane. Instead, the Police advise to keep your door locked in case of robbery.

POEM: Twas The Night Before Pessah

Hillel Update Editor in Chief Lee Matalon has written a lovely poem about Pessah and Hillel. He has chosen to share it with us here on the blog. This poem is not affiliated with the Hillel Update.



Twas The Night Before Pessah
By: Lee Matalon



Twas the night before Pessah, and all through Hillel,
The teachers they cleaned, they could not fail.
And though they do not get paid a lot,
Their contract includes yearly Bedikat.

All ten pieces hidden, wrapped up like a shirt,
So beautifully scattered by Mr. Hubert.
And as the faculty began to look,
In came Ovadia with a coffee cup from Rook

"Dear teachers and Rabbis, and Mr. Li too,
We cannot begin searching, as we should do,
Until we make sure the situation is well,
The hametz in the Box too, we must sell!"

And so came Susan, with cell phone in hand
And dropped the matzo, all crunchy and bland.
She called up the Rabbi, a certain Kassin,
As to make sure that Hillel does not sin.

Answered the Rav, "you must follow the Torah,
You can't just sell to Lupe or Cecilia!
A sale to chadameh is an interesting ploy
But you must be mahmeer when you sell to a Goy."

And then stepped forth a Mr. Puglisi,
"I am not Jewish, I can help, as you see"
So he bought the Hametz as he sat on a bench
And the rabbis exclaimed "this guy is a Mentch!"

Now began the awaited search for the bread,
And the rabbis struggled to get ahead.
Some looked left and right, some low and high,
Some searched the midrash, Ashkie and SY.

Until the first piece was found by Rav E,
Who clutched it and jumped, giddy with glee.
Down the hall to the office, the man did fly,
As he bust in and proudly exclaimed "REEBAY!"

One by one, the teachers found ten
Dropped them at the office and searched again.
In the morning they burned, to rid them of sin,
As nightfall approached, the seder did begin.

Then Rabbi Chait did sing, Kadesh Urchatz,
But after saying Karpas, he skipped Yahatz.
And he didn't break matzo for Misharotam,
As in Hillel, we only follow Rambam.

And next he announced that Maggid was to be,
Dr. Magid looked up and said "What, who, me?"
The story was told with the plate lifted up,
And after they finished, everyone drank a cup.

The matzo was hard, people chewed with pain,
But the "bitter" herb maror was only Romaine.
Rabbi Tawil made a sandwich with a crunchy slab
And called out "This is how it's done in Halab!"

The meal was great, with all of the best food,
But best of all, no children around to act rude.
Except Ovadia, who joined their pessah ball,
Turns out he's not so worthless, after all.

And finally the loudspeaker happened to chime,
As Rabbi Bald announced, "Its Afikoman Time!"
And he proclaimed, as they sang with, no end in sight,
"Happy Pessah to all, and to all a good night!"

Happy Birthday To President Ovadia Harary

DEAL, NJ -- April Fools, the day of pranks. Hillel has seen many pranks, from the well planned (water gun raid -- May 2011) to the unintentional (peeing in a locker -- December 2009). One of the completely serious, non joking, unprankly events of the day, is the birthday of Ovadia Harary, Hillel's Student President. The Update had a "Roast Ovadia" planned, but the administration said they'd "absolutely not lend [us] the auditorium on a Sunday." Instead, we'll simply be posting what everyone was supposed to say.

The following are truthful statements from students, current and former.

Lee Matalon (11th): "Ovadia. I've sat next to him for a few years now in Navi. Yeah, he was actually born on April 1st. Like a prank, it was hilarious. Unlike a prank, it was poorly planned. Ovadia didn't really do much as president. But thats pretty good, seeing as the year before, we didn't even have a president. And, like our friends at the Box say, he's not completely worthless. Thats a lie. He is."


Isaac Sasson (12th): "Dear Ovadia, you are the best to-ac I know. At the moment, you plan on going to Georgia for college. Who knows whats going on in that big head of yours? (laughs.) But I'm sure you'll end up somewhere great and have much authority over others. Lebanon is to being proud."


Leo Hanono (11th): "Who?"


Anonymous Science Teacher (9th): "OVADIA'S 18 NOW. HE'S AN ADULT. HE SHOULD BE A MODEL OF BEHAVIOR FOR THE STUDENT BODY AND THE CLASS. HE olWEEZ DOES THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT EVERY DAY I HAVE TOAL!!!"

Marc Nardea (MU): "Ovadia? Oh, you mean that guy who, for some reason, participates in all of Saka Charles' football tournaments and stands in the endzone, wide open, with nobody around him, but never gets a ball thrown his way? I don't really know much about his presidency, but if I had to bash Ovadia, I'd say that he laughs like a duck. (Cut to clips of Ovadia Laughing)."


David Abraham (12th): "He's got a heart as big as his head. His soothing Lebanese makes us all want to return to the middle east. He had less power than Joey Bouganim; he couldn't even get the bathroom doors unlocked. But still, better than last year's president -- what was his name?" 


At this point, Ricky Tawil would burst in and whisper in my ear that we don't have enough funding to air the show. I'd yell cut, pocket the tape, and the roast would never be seen again.

Hillel Senior Captured by Hamas, Rescued

GAZA STRIP, P.A. -- Hillel 12th Graders were preparing to go on their Senior Trip to the Holy Land. But instead of visiting Hershey Park, they ended up going to Israel. This 8-Day journey was the culmination of their high school experience. Israel, being a perpetual war zone, was guaranteed safe for tourists. This guarantee, however, did not hold.

On their first day, the seniors went for lunch at the food court at the Gaza Strip Mall. Students rushed for the McDonalds, which had no visible certification, but the sign was in Hebrew. (Saka Charles was asked what certification it has, and he replied "OK!"). Just as the third round of fries were ordered, the sirens went off. People rushed left and right to get to bomb shelters. No bombs actually hit, but student Al "Rrral" Sultan was lost in the commotion.

IDF Sergeant Leo Hanono, who was not actually on the trip, immediately concluded that he was taken by Hamas. President Ovadia S. Harary was contacted immediately, but, was unavailable to act. When asked about his middle initial, he said it stood for "essss." Edward Benjamin, StuCo VP, was summoned to settle the  issue.

"We don't know wherrrAl is, but we'll find him." noted Benjamin. Meanwhile, a keen-eyed student spotted a minivan speeding away from the site. This minivan led Hillel Authorities right to the beis medrish of the Chief Reebay of Israel. The students, only having learned NETA, were unable to communicate with him in Hebrew. The Rabbi -- a native of Hong Kong -- was able to speak with Hillelian Jacob Cohen. The clues he gave led the Hillel boys to the next step in their search for Al, the Kotel HaMa'arabi.

Also known as the Wailing Wall, the Kotel HaMa'arabi is the holiest site in all of Judaism. The boys stopped for a quick prayer, led by former Hillelian Ari Abrams. Since his move to Israel, Abrams became a notable Sephardic Cantor, overshadowing a very upset Mr. Charles. While crying in the corner, Saka noticed a very distinct trail of Tahine. Following this trail brought a group of Jewish boys close to their homeland -- Uncle Jacks Good2Go on Route 35.

Uncle Jack (who's actually named Roberto, and has no family) took one look at the Tahine and was able to identify its origin. After tasting it, he blurt out an address: 73 Rechov Mahmoudi, Khan Younnis, 'Aza, Yisrael. After a brief search on Google Maps Beta, a boarded up warehouse was located as the source of the Tahine. The Hillel Boys were off again.

Having arrived at 73 Mahmoudi Street, the boys devised a plan. Alpha Team readied themselves at the front, and Gold team hit the back. Nathan Betesh reportedly said "Gold Team rules!" In an instant, all 10 students were inside. Found were 4 mid-twenties Israeli Arabs. After wrestling them down to the ground (nobody had guns), they were questioned.

"It turns out," commented President Ovadia, "that Hamas was not responsible." The fiasco was due to a typo on the accident report. "In reality, the real culprit was not Hamas, but secret organization called Hummous. Dedicated to making "the best darned chickpea dip in the East," Hummous sent its members for lunch, who accidentally pulled the fire alarm at the food court.

"But where's Al?" one may ask. Funny story actually. It turns out he was actually holding the camera the whole time. Ha ha, good one Al!

Hillel Girls Refuse To Buy Bagels

DEAL, NJ -- It was a lovely day. Prayer went particularly fast. The Seniors were away on their annual Israel trip. The Ovadia Administration, away at a meeting in Knesset, left other students in charge of food, under the new Ekel Distribution Board. Leon Ebani and Ricky Tawil ran the box as usual. Morris Cohen and Leo Hanono took lunch orders. Bagels were sold by Lee Matalon and Jack Alboucai. Cream Cheese is reportedly "being handled" by Michael Shomer.

The two Juniors began walking around with their brown paper bags, part of a new Mobile Bagel Sale Program. "The bagels come to you!" commented Eric Vaknin on the new system. Also known as "Beggle Snacks," these bagels are known to be a staple of the Hillel Diet. The menu includes Egg, Egg ET and Cinnamon Raisin. Legend has it that the 2009-10 School Year featured many more flavors. As appealing as they are, some students, unfortunately, refuse to buy bagels.

Rachel Wolkoff (11) and Devorah Wittels (11) were two such students. When the Beggle Snack salesman passed by and offered, they declined. The two, however, requested to be in the Update. The salesman offered to write an article about them if they bought bagels. They declined once more.

"I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS" commented Bagelier Lee Matalon, "EVERY DAY I SELL THESE BAGELS. WHY DO GIRL AND OTHER GIRL HAVE TO WHINE? THEY'RE RUDE! I NEVER HAVE TO YELL AT MY STANDARD CUSTOMERS. I WANT THEM TO EAT. THEY NEED TO STOP THESE DUMBGERRY!"

The Ekel Distribution Board said in a statement, "the underlying problem is that these girls are simply MAYHS girls. They didn't get daily bagels over there. They're simply not used to the system." The bagel system reportedly takes more than a year to acclimate to. "Today, a Freshman asked, 'why do the Juniors sell bagels?' and we replied, 'because the Seniors are away.' He then asked, 'but why the JUNIORS?'"

Official sources claim that Wolkoff and Wittels will not be featured in the Update. "They didn't buy bagels, they don't get in the blog" said blog editor Lee Matalon. "The bagel world seems simple, but in reality, its very cray." Bagels are available for $1.00, Monday through Friday, after ShahHareet.

MENTION THIS ARTICLE AND COLLECT A FREE BAGEL ON THE 4TH FLOOR, THIS WEEK ONLY!